


Moony & Doe Go Adventuring Through Italy Because Their Friends Suck!

by professorrjlupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff & Angst, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders era, Slow Burn, The Prank(TM), a ~coming of age~ story, eventual james potter/lily evans - Freeform, italian!remus lupin, jily on the side, matchmaker! lily & james, oblivious! remus, pining! sirius, tw depictions of anxiety/panic attacks and depression, tw drugs & alcohol, tw physical abuse by family, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 11:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 57,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17980487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorrjlupin/pseuds/professorrjlupin
Summary: “Yeah, I’m fine. What are you doing this summer?”“You already asked me that,” Lily said.“Oh.”  Remus forced himself to take a bite from his toast. He then realised he didn’t have any toast.“You- You seemed pretty lost there, Remus.”He stared at his plate. It was porcelain china, with red and gold swirling into the center. Gryffindor pride! “Sorry.”“Don’t say sorry,” she huffed. “I think…” She leaned into him, to whisper. “I think you need a best friend right about now.”Or, Remus and Lily become best friends after their previous best friends betray them; James, Sirius, and Peter attempt to throw the party of the century; and everything goes wrong before it goes right.





	1. best friend

 

The world does not deserve Lily Evans. The universe is not worthy for her empathy, her intelligence, her work ethic, her loyalty, her generosity, her ferocity, her independence, her good hair.  Lily Evans was a goddess among mortals. So why did she associate herself with simple, vexatious, nauseatingly narcissistic plebeians like Severus Snape? 

In search of the answer, Lily had been reassessing herself as a person, with the help of essential oils, meditation, and yoga. Her favorite new hobby is journaling positive self-affirmations. She is confident. She is fearless. She is everything the Gryffindor house stands for. She is not silly. 

Oh, who is she kidding? Lily Evans has been reduced to an absolute trainwreck over the past seven days. The most essential oil in her life right now is olive and her favorite yoga pose is the corpse. For the past week, her only consoling thought has been that, no matter how far it may seem, or how many times she has to walk past the Slytherin house colors every day, she would be leaving for home on Saturday, June 20th, 9:00 am. That was only an hour away! In less than six hours, she’ll be in the privacy of her bedroom, where she can eat popcorn in her bed as much as she wants without Alice MacMillian yelling about mice. 

“Oh, please,” said Alice (speak of the devil!), who was calmly stirring cinnamon into her oatmeal next to her. “You can’t keep going on like this. You’re turning into this-this-” she waved her spoon in the air. “You’re barely yourself anymore, Lily.” Apparently, the conversation had turned too awkward for her then, and Alice continued to stir her perfectly mixed oatmeal some more.

Alice MacMillan was a good friend, but not a best friend. She had good advice to give but always gave it at the worst times. She could do braids, but it’d take her an hour. She’ll tell you funny stories in class, but she’ll always choose Frank Longbottom over you. Lily didn’t dislike Alice, but some people are your dorm mates and nothing more. And that’s what Lily needs most right now.

For the last five years, Lily Evans regrets to say that she and Severus Snape were best friends. They united over being the “only wizards in this God-forsaken muggle town” before Hogwarts, and once they made it, they bonded over a shared hatred of professors and awe of magic. They weren’t the best or most popular pair, but they had each other nonetheless. But then the betrayal happened, so Lily has some time to make up for. 

Lily Evans needs a new best friend. 

~

Remus J. Lupin wouldn’t say he was popular, but everyone in Gryffindor house knew who he was. It wasn’t for any of his ridiculous stunts (he made sure those went unnoticed), but for those of his dorm mates. 

And _fuck_ his dorm mates. 

His dorm mates- who shall go unnamed- were the biggest prats he ever met, and his life would be stupendously better if instead he was placed in the calm dorm down the hall with Frank Longbottom and Kingsley Shacklebolt, where there were never new burn marks made in the walls and no one ever got wood blisters on their arse. At least if that happened, he would not be nearing forty minutes hiding in this bathroom right now. 

Despite appearances, Remus is quite an emotional person, he just likes to keep this fact hidden. He won’t scream himself hoarse if you’re an ignorant, capricious dog, but he will if you try to confront him later with fake tears and superficial apologies. He’ll scream and stomp and forget how to differentiate languages until both parties are crying and shaking. But that never happened to Remus before. He wouldn’t let it.    

So instead of getting so worked up by walking into the dining hall and seeing everyone in their supportive friend groups that have grown and prospered over the years, Remus decided to count how many tiles the one-person bathroom in the dining hall had (42!). He was perfectly fine with hiding out until the train left, being alone, and he would’ve done so if someone hadn’t come knocking on the door just then. 

The one-person bathroom was rarely used by just one person at a time; Instead, it catered to groups of horny and stoned teens to mingle with the door unlocked. So when the door was locked (just as Remus liked it), people were bound to knock. He wasn’t surprised- frankly, he thought someone would’ve come sooner. 

Remus opened the door to find Gideon and Fabian, ready to finish off their weed supply so they wouldn’t be caught sneaking it on the train. Both parties nodded politely, Remus’ eyes glued to the floor as he moved out of their way. 

Remus Lupin was now out in the open. 

Standing by the door, Remus scanned the Gryffindor table. It was too risky to try to sit with an acquaintance from another house, for it’d be too humiliating if he was pulled out by a professor. There had to be at least one person he trusted to sit next to. Did he really close himself that much, focused on being an immature delinquent so passionately that he had no one else to turn to when he decided to broaden his horizons? Damn it, look what they did to him! He’s _needy_ now! 

Mary MacDonald was Remus’ potions partner, but there were no open seats with her. Emmeline Vance had a seat next to her, but that’d be terribly awkward, as they have never spoken outside of small talk in herbology. Lily Evans was probably his closest thing to a best friend outside of his dorm, but she didn’t have any open spots next to her, either. At this point, the option of going back inside to smoke a joint with the Prewett brothers was seeming more and more lucrative. Until, miraculously, there was a shift at the Gryffindor table. 

Someone had gotten up. Who? Remus couldn’t tell immediately until they ran up to meet their Ravenclaw girlfriend- _Dorcas Medowes, of course-_  leaving the seat next to Lily wide open. 

So God wasn't dead after all! Maybe he should start taking synagogue more seriously this summer. 

Remus started to make his way across the dining hall, careful not to let his laid-back facade dip while making it to the seat before Medowes could hop back on it again. He ignored the calls of his name from his usual spot (good to know his chair was still empty) and headed straight for his new spot. 

He took a deep breath. “Hey Lily, anyone sitting here?” 

Lily turned around, looking worse for wear. She had been going through a rough few days after snapping at Snape. She described the feeling as breaking up with a long term partner one day during prefect duties, and then slapped Remus upside the head with a scoff after he cocked his eyebrow. 

“Oh, hey Remus, sure.” She patted the seat next to her, then took a bite into her toast again. 

Success! Remus could practically hear his dorm mates astonishment as he ditched them for a fellow prefect. Sucks to suck! 

“Thanks,” he said, cool as ever with no anxiety at all. Remus was doing fantastic. “So, what are your plans for the holidays?” 

“Nothing much.” She took another bite of her toast. “I’ll probably get a job at some strip mall and call it a summer. What about you?” 

“Probably help with my aunt’s restaurant, but I won’t be paid. As usual.”

“It’s so cool that you get to do that. Like, you and your family.” Remus shrugged. 

“Hey, wait,” Lily said. “Shut up.” Remus checked behind him to make sure she was certainly talking to him. “You broke up with those dicks, didn’t you?” 

Remus blinked at her. She wasn’t wrong, not in the slightest, but since the whole incident was only two days ago, he hadn’t had the chance to tell her. Did one of them tell her? Why the hell would they do that? Wait, no, Remus knew the answer: because they’re insensitive dicks whose need for attention drive their every action. 

Lily laughed, probably for the first time in a few days. “Mate, they’re all gaping at you like you’re their dad and you just told them you’re getting a divorce.” Remus turned around and, lo and behold, his three children, staring at him from a dozen seats down the table, eyes misty with betrayal. 

Since these characters are refrenced many times in the course of this story, it is important they’re introduced in the most seamless and unbiased way possible. But fuck that. This is Remus’ story, and if he’s going to talk shit, it’s going to be steaming. 

James Fleamont (yes, Fleamont) Potter was the ringleader of the dysfunctional circus. The cocaine-crazed boss of a suburban teenaged mafia. Whatever trainwreck idea he proposed at two am on weekday nights would be carried out as raucously and whimsically as possible by the rest if Remus wasn’t there to slap some logic and sensibility into them. (Then teach them how to do it _right,_ without getting caught and consequently expelled.) 

Peter Pettigrew (his parents dubbed him too irrelevant to receive a middle name) was, in one word, American. His mother lived in Idaho for the first forty years of her life, and birthed four beautiful potato children, until her husband had an affair and she divorced. She started a new life in Ireland, (falsely) claiming to have an Irish grandmother. There, she had Peter with a real Irish man, and raised him all by herself. He grew up with his mother’s Idaho culture and adopted her accent. This cultural mix-match would turn him into to the awkwardly egotistical pushover that always trailed behind the cool crowd, cracking jokes to make sure he was tolerated. Peter was a pretty pitiful character, in all honesty. Recently, thinking about Peter too much made Remus sad. 

Finally, as a glittering bow to wrap up this collection of dumb-asses, Sirius Orion Black is unspeakable. Remus knows him well enough that being ignored in such a manner would drive him crazy, and still, that insanity would be a fraction of what he put Remus through. Sirius Black does not deserve a paragraph, or even a sentence. He will be shunned. 

This moment, at precisely 8:22AM June 20th, 1976, was the first time Remus Lupin has stared down this boys since he met them at 8:45AM June 18th, in Professor Dumbledore’s office. The headmaster’s office. He was sent down to the headmaster’s office because.. 

The thought of that day made Remus feel like he was on the Titanic. 

“Wow, Remus, good for you! About time, honestly.” 

Oh, yeah. Lily is here, too.

He turned around, feeling the swaying deck underneath him. Suddenly, his toast looked much less appetizing. 

“Remus? Hey, you okay?” 

Any moment he’s going to hit the iceberg.

Count down from three. Three, two, 

“Yeah, I’m fine. What are you doing this summer?” 

“You already asked me that,” Lily said. 

“Oh.”  Remus forced himself to take a bite from his toast. He then realised he didn’t have any toast. 

“You- You seemed pretty lost there, Remus.” 

He stared at his plate. It was porcelain china, with red and gold swirling into the center. Gryffindor pride! “Sorry.” 

“Don’t say sorry,” she huffed. “I think…” She leaned into him, to whisper. “I think you need a best friend right about now.”

~

  


James Potter likes to joke that the Marauders formed by default. He would say that, if he were placed in a different dorm room or (gasp!) a different house, he would have steered clear of those bumbling idiots for as long as possible. But, alas, James was partnered with them, and they have formed an unbreakable bond since.  

Just because Remus is taking a leave of absence does not mean the bond is broken. James wouldn’t let that happen. Remus might be fuming like Filch after a good prank day, but the Marauders have not broken up! 

The Marauders are indestructible! And they will all be together once again! 

“Nah, mate, he’s not coming back. Moony’s gone for good.” 

Inhale… Exhale… 

“Wormtail, mate, buddy, love of my life, please, be a tad bit more cheerful, yeah? This is our Moony we’re talking about. Let him cool off, he’ll come back on his own.” He shrugged it off with a smile, tightening his grip on his luggage. Lately, the subject of Remus has made James’ core temperature drop five degrees. 

“I dunno. When was the last time he made eye contact with you?” Peter really was set on being thick today, huh? 

“Wormy, he’s mad right now, but he won’t be forever, yeah? We’re going to bounce back, right guys?” 

He turned to his two friends, who too closely resembled rag dolls hanging on by a thread and a prayer. God knows James went absolutely bat shit on Sirius when he found out, and then again after he saved Snape’s life. It was the first (and, hopefully, the last) time he has ever punched Sirius. James had to explain the entire scenario to Peter just two hours earlier, but even before then he was affected by the shift in the group. It must have been like waking up after an earthquake: having your entire world be upended in a matter of minutes without understanding why or how. 

“C’mon, he has to come sit with us on the train. It’s Marauders tradition. I mean, where else would he be?”

“Maybe with Evans,” Sirius said after a pause. 

Sirius’ normal strident personality was known to quiet down on the days leading up to going home, but those three words were the first he’s said in two days. Three words in two days would be a stupendous achievement in normal events, but recent events have been depressingly far from normal. 

“Whatd’ya mean by that?”

Sirius pointed across the entrance hall, where all the students were lined up with their luggage, waiting to leave for the Kings Cross station. Remus was standing, looking a tad bit happier than usual, with the goddess of all things good in this world, Lily Motha’Fucking Evans. 

Wow, did she make him weak. It’s almost as if God made her just to tempt James. 

“Ohh-kay, he’s replaced us. It’s over. Guess we’re just Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, now. It doesn’t ring as well…” 

James didn’t respond. 

It was going to be a long train ride. 

~

It takes two hundred hours to form a best friend, and Lily Evans needs to squeeze all that effort with Remus Lupin into a four hour train ride. 

At least they aren’t starting from scratch. Lily and Remus were Herbology partners and prefects together, and have spent their fair share of hours wondering the Hogwarts halls and burying themselves in the library. 

And Monopoly. Lots and lots of Monopoly. Their friendship was first born when Lily brought the game down to the common room in their first year, unaware that wizarding children played magical games like Gobstones and wizards chess and didn’t care for colorful money and hotels. Except Remus. He rarely played, but loved to watch his older muggle cousins do so on family holidays. That was their foundation for five years, so it makes sense that they’d play in this extremely crucial point of their friendship. 

Remus rolled a seven and moved his piece (the ship, of course) to Atlantic Avenue. 

“Okay, unpopular opinion, go,” Lily asked him. 

Remus flipped through his money, trying to decide whether he should break Lily’s monopoly or save to put a hotel on New James Place. “Uh, flare pants are bad and should be banned.” 

“Really? Why?” 

Remus started counting out his money, ready to snatch Atlantic. “What’s the purpose of them? It’s like, do you want me to look at your ankles? Because that’s where my eyes are going. But then they go down to cover your shoes. It defeats the purpose. Also, I just broke your monopoly.” 

Lily looked down to realize that, yes, she lost her monopoly. “You dick!” Remus shrugged as she shook the die with an added fervor. 

“Your turn. Unpopular opinion on anything.” 

Lily was prepared. “I never understood why you hung out with those boys. They were so… immature. Playing pranks and whatnot. But you’re a prefect. What’s up with that?” She moved her piece seven squares to Free Parking. “Wait, no, don’t answer that. You don’t have to.” 

Remus wasn’t surprised by her answer; in fact, many professors used to voice that same question to him. It was a well kept secret that Remus was the mastermind of most plans, critiquing them to be as efficient and moral as possible, and making sure it could never be traced back to them. Next year, there’d be a noticable difference to Hogwarts’ prankery. He shrugged off the question, deflecting. “I thought the same about you. You and Severus.” 

She scoffed. “Yeah, I’ll admit, those last few weeks I stuck with him out of pity.” 

They laughed at their immaturity from two weeks ago, aware of their obvious upgrades. 

“I’m glad you’re here, Remus.” 

He was taken aback, but laughed anyway. “Me, too. With you.” 

The train rolled into the station as Remus rolled the die. They picked up the pieces hastily in a race to clean up. 

“We need to hang out, okay? Where are you from again? I’m from Ireland, but I can floo if I need to,” Lily said. 

Remus tensed. This was the question he had been hoping to avoid. Maybe Lily would be satisfied with just writing? Of course not. 

Remus preferred to avoid the subject of home countries. As Hogwarts accepted students from across the United Kingdom and Ireland, the subject often popped up. When it came to admissions, he was, as Professor Dumbledore had put it, a “special exception.” 

Remus was Italian. It’s not one of his biggest secrets, and pretty obvious based off of his culture, but he let’s people assume he’s living in England. He’s only ever told his dorm mates, and that was after nine months of living with them in first year. It’s a pretty dull secret to keep, but telling people would involve explaining why he doesn’t go to Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, and, to be honest, he doesn’t know either. He just never got the admissions letter. 

Did he want to break the news to her? 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll owl.” 

Not yet. 

“You’ll have time to hang out, right? Your aunt can’t lock you up forever.” 

“You haven’t met her,” he joked. _Fuck,_ he hates lying, and it shows. He already feels his ears burning up. His zia Beatrice would most likely make him work with his cousins, who already know him for slipping out to smoke weed and steal figs from the neighbors’ trees. 

Lily began organizing the money that Remus tossed in as he took down their luggage. They walked out into the sea of screaming teenagers celebrating two months free of transfiguration essays and exams. Remus was busy focusing on how to make it out of this station alive that Lily needed to yank his sleeve to get his attention. 

“Hide me,” she hissed. She crouched behind him as he made a show of standing up taller and holding out his luggage. 

“Uh, why?” 

“To your right!” Remus noticed the group of Slytherins gathered on the far right side of the station, and in the center: Severus Snape. He was as odious as ever and performing the amazing feat of appearing gangly while only being 170 centimeters tall. Everything about him resembled molding string cheese, and his personality wasn’t much better. Remus managed to rush ahead while keeping Lily as unnoticeable as possible. 

They made it to the corner by the floo station, where Remus’ parents were due to arrive (late, of course). Lily popped up again and arched her back. She thanked him, and he replied it was no big deal. If Remus was going to break the deal to her, it would be now.

“I’m going to owl you this summer, of course,” he said. 

“Of course! You’ll get to hear all about my amazing adventures at youth church meetings.” Lily took off her Hogwarts robe and stuffed it into her luggage, already entering muggle mode. 

“But I don’t think we can actually hang out,” he rushed. 

She paused. “Why?” 

Straight to the point, Evans. “I- I don’t live in Ireland.” 

Lily sighed. “Remus, we can more than go around that. You can floo or apparate across the United Kingdom and Ireland.” 

Remus took a deep breath. “Yeah, but I’m in Italy.” 

Her eyes widened. “You’re kidding.” She stared at him until she realized he wasn’t joking. “Holy crap, Italy!” 

“Keep your voice down!” Remus quickly examined the area, but no one seemed to mind her outburst but the flock of startled pigeons that jumped away. 

“Mate, why didn’t you tell me? We’ve known each other for five years and you never thought to tell me that?” She laughed, enjoying this fact about him. 

“Lily, I’m sorry, but over the holidays, I literally have almost no physical contact with anyone from school unless I can sneak a portkey.” 

“Then _I’ll_ sneak a portkey, Remus. We’re best friends now. We’re not going to let boarders get in our way.” 

Remus smiled. He had a best friend again. 

~

Sirius Black could be quiet if he has to. And ten months out of the year, he doesn’t have to, and that’s why Sirius loves Hogwarts. He loves living with all his closest friends and being absorbed in all the drama of secondary school 24/7. He loves long days playing Quidditch on the field or swimming in the lake, and long nights building pillow forts in the common room and playing hide and seek in the castle. He loves the dining hall where eating is a social event and not something to do while wearing expensive robes and making deals with important officials in the Ministry. He loves having a support system of teachers that won’t lock him away if he speaks out. He loves to be free. 

So when June comes around and all the luggages are packed and the train slides into the Kings Cross station with the roar of five hundred wizards in training, it’s not unusual for Sirius to be reticent, for he’s practicing for another two months at Grimmauld Place. 

Sirius has established a routine for the holidays. Stay in his bedroom for as long as possible, write as many letters to the Marauders as he can, have constant music playing to trick himself that he’s not trapped in one of England’s largest manors, and sneak out at night to ride aimlessly, or maybe make it to the Potter’s to reunite the Marauders. If he’s lucky and makes himself as manageable as possible, he can stretch his trips to last days or even a week before Walburga tries to check on him. But if he’s not lucky, he’ll have a limp for the rest of summer. It’ll be worth it, however. The Marauders pulled him through. 

But not this time. 

Sirius was the last to walk out of the train, with Peter and James in front of him. He breathed in the sultry air and made eye contact with his father, Orion Black. His jaw started throbbing, still a mix of dark colors from where James punched him. The more he thought about James or Snape the dull pain started ringing again. But if he thought about Remus at all, if he crossed his line of vision, if someone mentioned his name, or chocolate, or made a sarcastic remark, or said a dumb pun, or started talking about DADA principles, or even was the same height as Remus, the pain came flooding back again, fresh and throbbing and justified. The pain would make him unable to speak or think or mourn. Sirius didn’t despise the pain, it became sort of like a partner for his misery: dependable and responsible. 

He swallowed hard and grabbed James’ shoulder. It was a force of habit by now, turning to him when seeing his family, but now he wasn’t sure if James was going to support him this time. James barely acknowledged Sirius anymore, except to speak to him as part of the group. Would he still be there to comfort him this time? 

James turned around, staring above Sirius’ head. He followed Sirius’ eyes to Walburga and nodded his head. “Sorry, mate.”

_Sorry, mate._

The answer is no. 

Sirius put a hand to his jaw to make sure it wasn’t dislocated. 

“Marauder Huddle!” James announced. The Marauder Huddle was their unique call to have impromptu discussions in public. They’d all huddle like in the muggle football games Remus introduced them too. In fact, he called the first huddle during their first prank: painting obscenities on the door to Filch’s office. 

Remus- ouch. 

“Okay, Marauders, here’s the game plan. We’re not going to stop writing, yeah? Letters everyday, no exceptions. We’re addressing them to Moony, too. Don’t stop unless he sends literal death threats-” 

“You think he’s going to send death threats?” Peter asked. 

“Of course not,” he sighed. “Just- keep writing until he freaks out on us, yeah? And we’re going to be here for you, Sirius, but that doesn’t mean we forgive you.” 

Sirius felt his jaw ache. “I’m sorry, I’m really-”  


“We know,” Peter said. 

They left for the summer of 1976. 


	2. summer letter writing

June 21st, 1976. 

_ HEY MARAUDERS!!!!!!! _

_ I swear to God, this summer could NOT have come fast enough!! This has to be the summer of our lives to make up for that CRAP of EXAMS. WHO EVEN CREATED THE OWLS ANYWAY!!!!! I’d like to meet them and rip em a new one, watch me. That could be our first summer adventure!!  _

_ I have a good feeling about this, gang. This morning, I think I saw an upside down U, a really small key, a heart, and the sun in my tea leaves. I showed it to my paps and he slapped me upside the head because I almost messed up his potions, so I don’t have a complete interpretation of it. It must mean good things, right?  _

_ Listen, I got the CRAZIEST NEWS GUYS!!! My paps just told me that he’s going on a trip to Mahoutokoro School of Wizardry to lecture on some potions stuff, and both of my parents will be GONE for a whole week! Thank GOD Japanese wizards go to school through August, yeah? We’re throwing a banger!! _

_ Write back ASAP, we got Maraudering to plan!  _

  * __Prongs__



_ Hey, Padfoot, _

_ It’s time we put a stop to this.  _

_ It's been really hard trying to maintain the Marauders while being mad at you, and being mad just sucks. So I’m forgiving you. I still don’t understand how or why you did it, but it's over and there's nothing left to do but move on.  _

_ We’re still the Marauders, and you’re still my brother. Don’t ever start thinking different, wanker! _

_ I’m sending this with the same owl I’m sending the Marauders letter with, so when I get Saturn back I’m writing Moony first thing. You should, too. Just saying.  _

  * __Prongs__



June 23rd, 1976

  
  


_ Hi marauders!  _

_ Prongs, just looking at that letter made my eardrums bleed.  _

_ We need to hang out this summer, or else i might throw myself off a bridge. I’m staying with my shitty muggle aunt and her three muggle daughters who wont shut up about their legos. So thats how i’ll be spending most of this summer…  _

  * __Wormtail__



_ Hi, Remus! :)  _

_ How’s the first days of summer been treating you? I’m writing this from my new job at the ice cream shop. We haven’t gotten much traffic yet, since it’s been nonstop pouring here for the past week. Does it rain much in Italy? ;)  _

_ Petunia hasn’t been around recently, and I notice this big dude dropping her off everyday. His body looks like an angular avocado with a grape on top. I wish I had Petunia’s prowess…   _

_ Seriously, I need to get out of this goddamn town sometime soon. Snake lives right behind my apartment, and I swear he walks past six times a day just to taunt me (and this is my first day!) That  _ has  _ to be loitering, right? Get me out of here, Remus!  _

_ Love,  _

  * __Lily__



June 24th, 1976. 

_ Whats up marauders???  _

_ Sorry I haven’t been writing recently, Walburga and Orion have been boasting Regulus around at the symphonies while I nap wherever I can for the past three days. It’s his first summer back from Durmstrang and he got an O in Dark Arts. Yipee!  _

_ Shits been better. We need to meet up soon.  _

_ Also, what the hell's a lego, Wormtail?  _

  * __Padfoot__



_ Hey Prongs,  _

_ Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you thank you thank you.  _

_ I’m so sorry I really am. You don’t understand how much I regret it.  _

_ Let's fix this.  _

  * __Padfoot.__



_ Hello Moony!! _

_ Good morning!! _

_ Hope you’ve had a bangin’ first few days of summer so far. I heard about the heatwave Italy is having right now. Stay hydrated!  _

_ You know we’re not giving up on you, yeah? You can ignore our letters all you want, but we're still gonna send ‘em!! We’re thinking of you, and Padfoot really is sorry. He’s been giving himself enough shit to last through the winter.  _

_ I love you!! _

  * __Prongs__



_ Hi, Moons,  _

_ I’m sorry. I am so, deeply, regrettably sorry. Words can’t express it.  _

_ I miss you. Please come back.  _

  * __Padfoot__



June 25th, 1976 __

_ Hi, Lily,  _

_ So sorry this is late! It takes about two days for me to get letters from the UK.   _

_ The past week has been hectic. My cousins from Beauxbatons got back on the 21st, so we’ve been having a family reunion type thing all week. I mean, I live with my grandparents, and my cousins live across the street, so we see each other all the time anyway. I’m not complaining, though- I forgot how good home cooked food is.  _

_ I understand your pain about Snake. Is he really passing by that many times? If he stops, you can do something, but if he doesn’t, you can egg his house between shifts.  _

_ The arseholes keep sending me letters. What part of ‘stay away from me’ do they not understand? I just send back the owls and rip up the letters. Paper mache?  _

_ I miss you, Lily. I miss being in such close contact with sanity.  _

_ Try calling me, we can talk more often: 0963-12  _

  * __Remus__



June 28th, 1976, 5:23PM Greenwich Mean Time, 6:23PM Central European Time. 

_ Ring…  _

_ Ring…  _

_ Ring…  _

_ Ri-  _

_ “Ciao?”  _

“Hello?” 

_ “Chi è questo?” _

Lily flipped through the small Italian-English dictionary she’d taken out the day before from the library just for this phone call. She found the common phrases page:  _ check queso?  _ She must have underestimated the extent of Italian accents. 

The woman on the other end (who must’ve been Remus’ mother) muttered enough for Lily to guess that she was about to hang up. 

“Wait! Lily!” She scanned hastily to the bottom of the section.  _ “Mi chiamo Lily.”  _

_ “Che cosa? Come posso aiutarla?”  _

She felt her face turning red as the dropped her book. 

“Uh- Remus!  _ Ho vole- voglio parlare con Remus Lupin!”  _

There was a long pause on the other end, then a laugh.  _ “Vuoi parlare con RJ? Remus Lupin?”  _

“Yes! Uh,  _ si!”  _

_ “Va bene, va bene…”  _ The woman yelled away from the phone something fast and Italian as Lily tried to estimate how many of her brain cells kamikazed for that conversation. 

“ _ Ciao?”  _

Lily wasn’t sure she had the right person. “Remus? Hello?” 

“Lily? Oh, shit! Hi!” There was laughing on the other side of the call, and Lily could overhear  _ “E che tua ragazza!?”  _

_ “No! Vaffanculo!”  _ More yelling. “Sorry, that wasn’t directed at you. I told my cousins to fuck off.” 

“Aw, what did they do?” 

“They think you’re my girlfriend.”    
  


“Oh, if I was so lucky…” 

Remus laughed on the other end. 

“Did I catch you at a bad time? It’s only five thirty over here,” Lily said. 

“Oh, no, no. I’m only an hour ahead, you’re fine.” 

Lily grinned behind the phone. “Good! I just got home from work, and I got the best news…”

“Mhm. Do tell.” 

“Okay, listen. So my dad’s a university professor, right? He’s not going to be teaching over the holidays, but he’s still going to conferences to speak. He travels alot for them and always gets two extra tickets, like last year when went to New York. I used to hate them and stay home because we didn’t stay long enough to do anything fun and I was too young to do stuff on my own, but this year we’ll be going somewhere where I have friends…” 

“Shut up. Lily, shut up.” 

“I know!” 

“You’re not- you can’t be-” 

“I know! I’ll be in Rome the second week of July! 

“You’re  _ shitting me!  _ Thats- thats amazing, Lily, oh my God... “ 

“I can’t believe it either! The luck!” 

“Wow,  _ Rome?  _ I mean, I won’t say it’s close, but I know my way around-” 

“Where are you from? What part of Italy, I mean.” 

She could hear the jump of pride from the other end. “ _ Viva la  _ _ Calàbbria!  _ It’s the tip of the boot.” There was a flare-up of noise from Remus’ line,  like some children just ran into the room. Someone new- maybe even the same person who first picked up the phone- said something to him that was too quiet for Lily to understand. 

“Hey- Lily, I’m sorry, my moms here, she needs me to help her for a bit. But I can probably use a portkey or app-  _ ehi!-  _ okay, no apparating. But my mom is originally Roman, so I know my way around. I’ll be your rookie Italian tour guide.” 

Lily laughed at that. “When can I call you back?” 

There was a pause. “Midnight.” 

She laughed, “Got it, Remus. See you! 

“See you. Also, my mom wants to say hi.” 

Lily felt her face begin to burn as the phone shifted. 

“ _ Arrivederci, Lily.”  _ She could hear the smile on his mother’s face. 

“ _ Arrivederci,”  _ she butchered. 

~ 

  
  


Remus J. Lupin is freaking out! 

_ So, who was that?  _ his mother asked him. But Remus is currently too busy to answer that question. He’s freaking out! 

Remus loves Lily. He really does. They’ve been close since the middle of third year. They have some decent history! But Remus needs more than decent history for him to confide in them his appallingly wondrous home life.

The first time his dorm mates visited Remus in Italy, it was during winter break of fourth year. By then, they’d all seen each other’s parents at least twice (with burning memories of Walburga and Orion) and had slept over at the Potter’s seven times. That didn’t stop Remus from giving them an entire presentation, complete with a white board for visuals and many reenactments of Italian family life, before allowing them to even ask their parents about such a visit (like they’d ask). 

_ RJ? I need you to help your grandmother clean up the glass your cousins broke. You know she’s old,  _ his mother reminded him again. 

_ “Ay, okay.”  _ He grabbed the broom and walked into the kitchen. How would he explain how his muggle mother lives with his magical family without his father? How would he explain how she blends in so well with the magic, and how his magical family forgets she’s a muggle? How would he explain the strange relationship his cousins have with him, and how he can barely leave the house alone? With his dorm mates, Remus had time, but now he has less than two weeks and he’s starting to feel nauseous. 

His grandmother was cleaning the dishes as he walked in.  _ You could use magic for that, my love.  _ But the blood rushing to Remus’ ears blocked out the noise as he pushed glass across the floor into the pan. 

The radio was playing on low volume, with the new Lucio Battisti hit on for the seventh time that day. The sun was filtering in to spotlight the dancing dust. As he poured the glass in the trash, Remus swatted them away until he was standing in the sun by the window. A flock of birds were congregating  by the ocean, looking for fish before the sun set. 

Inside, the wine-colored paint was peeling and covered by framed pictures that needed to be centered. There were graduation pictures, first day of school pictures, school Quidditch match pictures, marriage and birth pictures, and anything that nonna deemed valuable. Remus could spot a few pictures of him somewhere- yes, on the bottom left, next to a family reunion picture from 1969. It was when he and his mother moved in, April 1971. It was a sweet picture, with Remus smiling and his mother wondering why magical cameras had to be that big. 

Remus decided he would keep Lily out of the house as much as possible. He could take her to the beach, and let the kitchen window be as much as she sees of the Lupin family life. Maybe they could sneak onto the cruise ships that ported in the city capital, just like his older cousins showed him how to do (but they won’t get arrested this time). They can catch a ferry and make it to Sicily, the magical party center of central Europe. As long as he kept his feet on the ground, Remus was never going to explain those pictures to Lily Evans. 

~

Surprisingly, if you spend days on end in your room, your room becomes a pigsty. Good thing Sirius has some spare time. 

Summer holidays have lasted about a week already, and his time has been well spent. He began each morning with opening the windows as a reminder that, yes, life exists outside these claustrophobic walls. Then, he’d cast a silencing charm to play some punk rock while doing his hair (coconut oil treatments make up for lack of sunlight). After grabbing some breakfast of a granola bar he got from his midnight excursions (he’ll let you decide whether he bought or stole it), it was time to partake in one of his extensive hobbies, such as: mope over the fate of his existence, perform  _ Queen _ ’s entire discography, pretend he knows how to draw, learn he doesn’t know how to draw, annoy Regulus with thoughts like  _ do sperm have thoughts?  _ and  _ I think you’d make a great drag queen, Reggykins,  _ write letters to anyone who was naive enough to correspond with him, and nap. However, his lucrative past times would have to wait for today, as Sirius cannot see his floor. 

Sirius picked up a T-shirt with his toes while lying in bed. Upon further inspection, it was his Gryffindor quidditch windbreaker. He put it on; it was warm, and still had a blood stain from the last match he played in it. Moving onwards, he found his Hogwarts robes and the shoes James let him borrow, but they both knew he was never getting them back. 

After two hours, Sirius could conclude that his carpet was a moonshine gray. Maybe he should tie-dye it. He remembered when Remus taught him how to tie-dye clothes- thats why no one talks about the summer of 1973 anymore. 

No. Stop. No thinking about Remus. 

Sirius slapped himself and put a pound in his Moony jar. Every time he thought about Remus, he put a pound in the jar. By the end of the summer. he plans to donate it to a non-for-profit. He hopes Remus would like it. 

Now that makes two pounds for the Moony jar. The Moony jar is now proving counter-intuitive. 

After three hours, Sirius decided it was time to reorganize his entire room. He was going to rearrange everything, and make it a somewhat friendly place to be in. First, he was organizing his dresser drawers. The first drawer went from bursting to the brim to being able to close properly after forty five minutes. With satisfaction, Sirius moved onto the second drawer. 

Sirius likes to keep this drawer hidden from others, as he calls it The Memories Drawer. It has every picture of his friends ever taken, various knick-knacks, and every Marauders letter. Upon opening it, Sirius realized it was redundant to sort through it, as it’s one of the only things he handles with care in this house, but it was too late now, because he was holding all the letters and sitting on his bed already. 

He flipped through the pile slowly, running his fingers on the parchment. He smelled it- still smells like parchment. God, he must really miss human contact. This is pathetic. But that realization didn’t stop him from picking out a letter to read. 

The date was August 1975, from last summer. It was a good summer: James, Peter, and him had their first breakthrough in the animagi process. He smiled just thinking about it. 

_ Hi Marauders,  _

_ Honestly, I can’t wait for school to start again so I can be in an air conditioned building. I’m covered in a film of sweat 24/7. This is hell.  _

_ I can’t wait to see you guys next week! Prongs just warning you I’m spending the entire time in your pool!  _

_ In other news, I crashed my bike into a tree yesterday. I was too busy thinking about the prank we have planned for Wormtail’s mom. I was going over how stage two would’ve worked out because I’d rather die than follow Prongs’ advice, until suddenly I was on the ground with my body half a metre away from my bike and the left arm twisted until my elbow popped out. Good thing my cousin was there with me. Sometimes it pays to be chaperoned everywhere (even to the post office. When you’re fifteen…)  _

Sirius’ breath hitched. He only knew one person who had to be escorted everywhere by family. 

  * __Moony__



_ Shit!  _ Shit motherfucking bitch! What the  _ hell!  _ This is worth seventy pounds for the Moony jar! His fucking  _ luck!  _

Sirius stuffed the letters back into the drawer before he could get anymore tears on them. (When did he even start crying? What the fuck?) Within seconds, he was sobbing into his pillow. 

He hated Remus. He hated how he could cry over him, how he can make him so angry or happy or whatever the fuck. Remus made him feel emotions, too many of them. 

Sirius could remember all the times he cried over Remus Lupin. It was six times, but he won’t bore you with the details. What matters was the fourth time he cried over him. 

It was April of their fourth year. James had the wonderful idea that Remus and Mary MacDonald would make a good couple. Peter, the romantic ass, concocted the brilliant plan to set them up, and they were going on their first date that day. They were going to spend the day in Hogsmeade together, until the Marauders swooped in to steal Remus and break him down for the details. 

They were back in the dorm when Sirius started crying. He was going over all the details Remus had told him about Mary, and he seemed happy. Happy to be with her, happy to have a girlfriend, happy to be happy. And Sirius was sick of it. 

He had gone into James’ bed, ready to vent it out. 

“I don’t- I don’t know what’s wrong, ‘cause nothings  _ wrong,  _ it’s just… I don’t know.” He wiped his tears on the bedsheet. 

“Is this…” James pulled Sirius closer, despite having cast a silencing charm around the four-poster. “Is this about Moony?” 

Sirius felt his face heat up at the accustiation. “What? Wh- no, the hell? I’m happy for him, Moony’s happy. I know- It’s not that I think he’s going to ditch us, I know Moony. He’s not going to do that.” 

“Really? Is it about Mary?” 

“That bloody whore? She doesn’t deserve a bit of him, but I’m not going to cry about it.” 

“Then what else could you be crying about?” 

Sirius looked at him blankly. 

“Mate, I love you, yeah? I see how you’ve been acting about Mary lately, and about Moony.” He raised an eyebrow at Remus’ name. “You were fine with Mary two weeks ago, but then she started dating Remus and suddenly she’s nothing but a bloody whore in your eyes-” 

“Hey!” 

“Let me finish! She’s a bloody whore to you now because you like Moony!” 

Sirius’ jaw dropped. For the first time in his life, Sirius Orion Black was speechless. 

“Don’t look at me like that!” James was sitting up now, getting excited to preach in rose-tinted glasses. “I have eyes, Padfoot. I see how you almost start crying when you see Moony in the hospital bed every month. I see how you’re so protective of him. I see how you look at him a second longer than everybody else, and how you stare at him when you think nobody’s looking. You always flirt with him so subtly that you don’t even notice, but I notice! You’re bloody in love with him, mate! I’m your best mate, why didn’t you tell me?” 

Sirius barked. “Becuase I’m not in love with him! We’re- we’re  _ bros _ , okay? I’m looking out for a bro.” 

James scoffed. He had his hands in the air and his hair was a mess like a potions master preaching to a Daily Prophet reporter about how deeply Sirius Orion Black is in love. He thought this whole scheme was very hilarious. “Don’t you  _ dare  _ call him your bro! You’re whipped for him, mate! You’re so whipped!” 

“I’m not whipped! I’m not whipped for anybody! In fact, everyone is whipped for  _ me!”  _ Sirius stumbled out of the bed, leaving James crying for him to come back. He did his best to slam a curtain shut, and cast another silencing charm so no one would know he was curled up crying. 

The next morning, Sirius wouldn’t make eye contact with Remus. He could if he needed too, but for the sake of keeping his dignity, he wouldn’t. His plan was going very smoothly until Mary was hugging him during breakfast. She hugged him from behind and surprised him, and Sirius looked up to see Remus blushing. He saw Remus smiling and  _ blushing _ so he couldn’t see his freckles anymore, and he was  _ smiling  _ so he could see his teeth and his lips were pink and soft, probably. His eyes were crinkling and closed so Sirius couldn’t see the amber. When Mary left to join her own clique, Remus opened them so Sirius could see them. His eyes were like if a painter dripped honey into brown paint and refuse to mix it before painting Remus’ eyes. It was the best mistake ever made while crafting a human. Also, Sirius noticed, he had stopped blushing. He could see his freckles now. Remus freckled in the sun very lightly, so you’d need to take him outside and be real close to him in the spring air to see them before the June heat made them multiply and made Sirius warm inside. 

James nudged his ribs hard. “You’re staring,” he said. 

Sirius was suddenly aware of the belt that was wrapped tight around his lungs, and how we felt like he needed an oxygen tank. 

Fourth year Sirius was whipped, and now fifth year Sirius might be even more whipped. 

Fifth year Sirius groaned into his pillow. He couldn’t believe Remus was mad at him. No, he could believe it. He just didn’t like it. What he would give to have Remus right next to him right now, to hold and to kiss and to- 

The bedroom door swung open. 

Sirius jolted up and instinctively pulled up his covers, as if he was hiding something. 

“Stop sobbing like a girl, it’s only me,” Regulus said. 

Sirius sighed. “Why hello, Reggykins. I’m so glad to see you again.” 

“I could hear you crying from across the hall. Shut up.” Sirius suddenly remembered that he didn’t cast a silencing charm this morning, and smacked his head again. 

Regulus had gotten taller over the school year. He was still a bloody runt, but now he was passable as a mutated house elf. His arms were crossed and his eyes cold, but the new Durmstang attitude didn’t change a thing in Sirius’ eyes. Regulus would always be the small nine year old boy who cried when Sirius got his Hogwarts letter because his older brother wouldn’t be at home anymore. 

“Great, glad to know you care so much. Is there anything else I can help you with?” 

Regulus looked down at the ground. “You’ve cleaned your room.” 

“Did you come in here for small talk?” 

He slammed the door on the way out. 

~

June 29th, 10:59PM Greenwich Time, 11:59PM Central European Time. 

_ Ring…  _

_ Ri- _

“Hello?” 

“Lily?” 

“Hey. You responded quickly. What are you up to at midnight on a Sunday?” 

“What are you doing up at eleven pm on a Sunday?”

“Calling you to discuss plans.”

“Ah. Is this something I can do while eating a grilled cheese?”

“Only if you send me some.” 

Remus flipped the sandwich on the pan. Grilled cheese is a delicacy only eaten when the rest of your family is asleep, so they can’t gawk at what a terrible creation it is and make fun of you for having such terrible taste for the rest of eternity. “Expect an owl.” 

“Noted. Okay, I asked my dad and he said we’d be staying in a hotel by Sapienza University.”

“Yikes, okay, you just butchered that pronunciation, but I’ll let it pass for now.” 

“I’ve been teaching myself Italian. Ciao, mi chiamo Lily. Come va? Sono buono. Dov'è il bagno?” 

“Getting better, but good luck mastering dialects, now-” 

“There’s  _ dialects, _ too?” 

“Yep. So many.  _ Figurati.”  _

“Okay, well, that’s where we’ll be staying. We’ll be taking an international Portkey.” 

There was a pause as Remus took his first bite. “Got it. I have a cousin who lives in Rome. I don’t know if he’s around there, but it won’t be that long of a walk. We can stay there to get extremely high and eat the best gelato in the world.” 

“Damn, I’ve never gotten high before. Or eaten gelato.” 

“What? Both are holy experiences, I can’t believe this. We’re fixing that.” 

“I can’t wait. I want to get stoned in the Parthenon.” 

“You want to be a tourist, Evans? No. Not on my watch. You’re getting the authentic Italian experience. And we’re biking.” 

Lily laughed. “Thank God I have the best tour guide around. What do you have in mind?” 

Remus put his sandwich down as he felt a wave of nausea. “Well… I personally like the Spanish steps. It’s, like, a really big staircase. That’s it.” He cringed at his description. “There’s also, uh, the river Tiber. Supposed to be really important in Roman mythology. Oh, there’s also this statue there: it’s a wolf feeding these two babies, and they’re Romulus and-” 

“And Remus?” 

He laughed. “Yep, it’s so cool. I take a picture with it everytime I see it. I have three in my collection.” 

“Let’s up that to fifteen.” 

“On it.” 

Remus was smiling. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was feeling like he had a friend again, who wouldn’t betray him because she had been betrayed, too. Or maybe it was just hearing a familiar voice at midnight. 

“My family is pretty weird.” 

“Who’s isn’t?” 

_ Who’s isn’t?  _ If only it was that simple. “I’m sixteen and can’t leave my house alone. It’s like… I’ll be a legal adult next year. I need to practice using my freedom now, you know?” 

“This summer will be refreshing for you, then. You’ll have me to chaperone your dangerous drug habits.” 

He laughed at that, careful not to wake his family. “But what if you’re high, too? Listen, we’ll sneak out together. In the middle of the night.” 

“Fun,” she said, stretching out the vowel. She yawned on the other end.  “I don’t usually stay up this late.” 

“Lame.” 

“Don’t make fun of me. The latest I’ve ever stayed up that wasn’t for a reckless Gryffindor party or studying was, like, one am? Twelve thirty? 

“ _ One am? _ Oh my God, I’m going to turn you into a teenager by the end of this.” 

“I… already am one?” She yawned again. “I’m going to bed, Re, or else I’d fall asleep in my kitchen. Goodnight.” 

“Night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was the most dialogue i've ever written in my life and if this entire fic is going to be like that than idk man might take one for the team... 
> 
> as you can see, that was a disgusting amount of google-translate italian. to all native italian speakers: i am so, so sorry. this'll probably be the most you'll ever see for the rest of the fic. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed it though! hopefully i'll get the next chapter up this time next week. trying to push myself here 
> 
> looking for a place to vent about how god awful that google translate italian is? join me at my tumblr! proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	3. invincible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for alcohol, weed, and head injuries

In terms of international wizarding travel, there are three options. 

The first, and most common, is the International Portkey. An International Portkey is a very special magical object very similar to a traditional Portkey. There is one key difference, however: they are only accessible at International Portkey Stations, or more commonly known as an IPS. To gain access, one must buy a ticket in advance and present a valid wizarding ID. It is not very different than the muggle airport, expect the magical version is much more efficient and superior. 

The second version is the International Floo. Similar to muggle international calling networks, a wizard must connect their fireplace to the international network. A visitor must then purchase the International Floo Powder, which allows them access to the network. The International Floo then works similarly to a traditional Floo, with access to the countries provided through the powder available. 

The third version is very risky and is considered inadvisable to most. It is apparition. As apparition requires only willpower and focus to perform, it is a valuable form of national transportation. However, as apparition becomes more dangerous the further traveled, the Ministry of Magic advises that most do not attempt this form of transportation internationally. 

However, the Ministry of Magic has never met The Marauders. And they’re on a mission. 

~

Sirius Black arrived at the Potter Manor at approximately one am July ninth. He drove down the cobblestone path on his motorcycle, the letter tucked neatly in his back pocket. James Potter was leaning by the door with his signature smirk with Peter Pettigrew by his side. 

He parked by the porch as the two got up to greet him. Sirius took out the letter and showed it to them. “What the fuck is this supposed to mean?” 

“You read it,” James said smugly. 

He shook his head. “You sure this is gonna work?”

“Are you telling me you came here to nag us?” 

Sirius smiled and got off the bike. “No, we’re doing this.” 

Sirius took this moment to notice that James was fully dressed in black. He had a black hoodie and jeans, and a ski cap to mask his reflective hair. 

“Hey, Prongsie, what’s up with the getup?” 

“Well, Paddie Cakes, I am not an amateur. This is not my first nor my last rodeo. If we’re completing this heist, we need to do it right.” 

“Prongs, we’re apparating to Italy, not stealing the Queen’s crown-” Peter said. 

“Hush hush, my sweet spring child, all will be understood in due time. Now…” James took a deep breath as if he was a ballerina about to flitter across the stage for Merlin himself. “Follow along.” 

James crouched and opened the door very slightly to sneak into his own home. Sirius pushed him aside and strode in. 

“Padfoot! What the fuck!” 

“Your parents are on the third floor, you wanker!” 

James got up in a huff. “Did you forget? We need to steal my dad’s wand. From his bedroom. When he’s asleep.” 

“Wait, that was the plan?” Peter asked, astonished. “Mate, did _you_ forget- we’ve seen Padfoot do underage magic, like, a trillion times. No one is sending the heir of the Black fortune to Azkaban.” Sirius pulled out his wand for emphasis. 

“Oh, Wormy, I’m so glad you said that. Really, truly. But has he ever _apparated_ before? No. Are we going to risk that? No! He might be the heir of Black, but let’s not forget he’s a sixteen-year-old wanker who’ll be going to Italy with us in the dead of night. The Ministry might get a tad bit suspicious.” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Since when are you the logical one?” 

James pulled up his hood to blend into the darkness of his own home. “Venus has entered Cancer,” he whispered as he rolled under the table. 

Sirius rolled his eyes at the Divination prodigy and made his way up the stairs. Peter crawled up them like a dog (or like a rat?), thinking he’d blend in more easily that way. All it did was made him look ridiculous. 

“Wormtail, what are you-” 

“Don’t act like you don’t want to do it, too.” 

Sirius paused. Being honest, he did miss this. Just being ridiculous with his friends to pull off a dumb scheme. It had been too long. 

He swallowed his pride as he made it to the top of the stairs, and inched along the wall. Peter and James whooped for him, and he could almost imagine they were back at Hogwarts, sneaking into Filch’s office or the Slytherin dungeon. They would always sneak around like this, as only so many sixteen-year-old boys can fit in an invisibility cloak. Once, a passing group of first years passed them unnoticed in the middle of the night by standing pressed against the wall. After they passed into the next hall, they burst out laughing, both at the adrenaline rush of getting away with mischief and the wonder of where the hell could they have been going? 

They were all goofing off again. It’s almost like nothing bad had ever happened. 

James tenderly opened the door to reveal the master bedroom of Euphemia and Fleamont Potter. They were sound asleep, and they all knew from experience that this was the most difficult part. 

They all crouched to the floor. “Where’s the wand?” Peter asked. 

“On the bed table.” James pointed at it. It was right by his father’s head. 

Sirius set his eyes on the prize. “How are we going to get it?” 

Peter bit his lip. “Do you think we can just… snatch it?” 

Sirius slapped him upside the head. “Use your head, Wormtail.” 

“How do you know it wouldn’t work? Prongs, how deep of a sleeper is your dad?” 

James shrugged. “Pretty deep, I guess. It’s my mum we have to worry about.” 

They all stared at the wand. This would usually be the point where Moony would bite the bullet and follow Wormtail’s advice, using his super senses to make sure he wasn’t caught. 

“I wish Moony was here.” 

Sirius didn’t know who said it, but they all nodded anyways. 

Two pounds for the Moony jar. 

He bit his cheek as he pulled his wand out of his back pocket. He did a quick non-verbal summoning spell to the wand. and watched it stumble towards the boys (he needed to brush up on those non-verbal charms). Peter quickly snatched it as James grabbed the door knob and pulled him out, a wide grin on his face. He shut the door quickly. 

“We did it! Holy shit!” James exclaimed. 

“Holy shit…” came a voice from inside the bedroom. 

“Holy _shit_ , _”_ Peter breathed in horror. 

Sirius was too busy to curse as he was already high-tailing it down the stair rail. 

Peter jumped down half the flight in one go, clutching the wand above his head. James managed to run into a wall on his way down and might have woken up all of England if Peter didn’t yank him down. 

“Prongs, do the spell!” He whispered, forcing the wand into his chest as if it was cursed by a dead bloodline. 

“I don’t know! You do it!” James tossed the wand back to Peter. 

“And you think I do?” 

“I can’t! I’ll splinch us to Israel with all this pressure!” James tossed it like a bean bag to Sirius, who hit it back with his palm. 

 _“Pull your arse together!_ It’s your dad’s wand! You’ll have the best luck!”

“We are _not_ relying on luck tonight!” James slapped the wand into Peter’s hands and clutched his arm as the beat of Fleamont Potter’s footsteps caused the water in a nearby glass to ripple.

“Why me?”

“Just apparate!” 

“Jesus Christ!” Sirius grabbed Peter’s foot before he was jolted into the nowhere land between what is earth and what is apparition. He crossed his fingers as he didn’t expect to ever do it again. 

He felt a cool breeze on his back after twenty seconds of being sucked through the loudest tunnel ever. There was solid ground beneath his feet, and he could hear a radio playing from an apartment window. 

“Oh…. Did I do it? Did we make it?” Sirius heard Peter’s voice and decided it was safe to open his eyes. The radio was singing on a balcony to rows of apartments all lined together neatly. The sidewalk was wide and decorated with vibrant chalk drawings of stick people and the names of nursery school couples in hearts. Between houses that would be revealed to be painted pink or yellow when the sun shone, stray cats lingered and waited for dishes of milk that would be put out for them by nonnas in the morning. 

James fell down to his knees. “Italy…” he sighed to whatever gods were listening. “I missed you.” 

“Is… is everyone okay? Did anyone get, like, hurt? Or anything?” 

“I’ve never felt more alive…” 

Sirius felt himself matching James’ grin. “Who's ready to rock and roll?” He walked down the block, turning into a run as the others began to follow and their excitement got the best of them. After two blocks downhill and a turn into a neat alley where the sun began to rise, they found the Lupin household. 

It wasn't hard to pick out who were the Lupins. It was the red door with five wooden steps leading up to it, and a basket of oranges always left by the entrance. The balcony above it had a single chair and another basket for flowers. There was a single window with floral curtains that contrasted with the tan walls outside. Inside, however, the walls were a sunny yellow and the sofa violet. Through a slip in the curtain, they could see Ceres, their cat, sleeping on the windowsill and the entrance into the kitchen (which was painted forest green). 

Remus’ window was above. It was open and the curtains were sending the alarm for the boys to come. He would we in there- awake, of course- waiting for a sign. 

The Marauders were the sign. 

Peter pocketed two oranges and tossed up a third. The sound it made as it hit his palm again echoed through the alley, making them all more excited for whats to come. He took a step back and flung the third orange through the curtain. It flew through and landed soundlessly somewhere inside. They all watched in awed anticipation, waiting for the blonde head to pop out again. When there was no sign of life for ten minutes, Peter automatically sent a second fruit through the curtains without a ripple. James applauded him, and he did a bow. They stood in their smugness for a minute, until an orange hit Sirius square on the head. 

He fell like a rag, too busy wondering _what the fuck was that_ to break the fall. He jumped off the floor immediately as James shielded him from Merlin knows what. 

Turns out the person behind Remus’ window was not Remus. 

There was someone else there, with a pointier chin and thick dark locks hanging past the shoulders, someone with a murderous glare and an orange in hand. 

“That’s not Moony…” Peter whisphered. 

Because Moony left for Rome twelve hours before. 

~

At that very moment, at one forty four am July ninth, Remus Lupin was kneeling on his cousin’s bathroom floor in Rome. The medicine cabinet was open and the mirror on the front reflected Lily Evans, who was sitting with her knees pressed together on the toilet. The thick scent of rubbing alcohol and weed clouded the air, but neither complained. In fact, it seemed to hype them up. 

“What do you want?” Remus said, disinfecting an area of skin on Lily’s calf. 

“Gosh, I don’t know. Something simple, I guess. Is this going to hurt?” 

“A bit. It’s like having a sewing needle stab you a bunch of times.” Remus popped the cap off the tattoo pen. “I promise I won’t permanently damage your skin tonight.” 

Lily cringed. “Have you done this before?” 

“It’s fine! I know how to do this, I have one myself.” 

“Yes, but did you do that one on yourself?” 

Remus rolled his eyes and puffed on a joint. “It might swell up a bit afterwards, but you’ll survive.” He was wearing a loose t-shirt that day, so his own stick-and-poke tattoo was visible on his shoulder. It was a moon that sat between his left shoulder and his chest. It was minimalistic and not much bigger than her thumb, but Lily was still immensely jealous of it. Which brought her to this stranger’s bathroom. 

Lily gazed around the area, searching for inspiration. “Just… surprise me.” 

“I’ll surprise you with blood poisoning.” 

Lily kicked him in the chest. 

“Ouch! There’s not even lead in this ink!” Remus began to draw on her calf with the pen. “I’m just sketching it out first. For practice.”

“You sound like a real artist here, Re.” 

Remus bowed. “Thank you, ma’dam.” He put the cap back on the pen and rubbed alcohol on it one last time. “Are you ready?” 

“What are you giving me?” 

“You’ll find out later.” Remus smiled in concentration as he dipped the needle in the ink and began the outline without a moment’s hesitation. 

It felt like a cat with extreme precision and hatred scratched her. “Ouch!” 

“Hold still!” 

“Oh, God, _ow._ Okay, distract me, talk about something.” 

Remus held up the joint. “Weed?”

Lily raised an eyebrow. 

“You don’t have to...” Lily took the joint and rolled it around in her hand. 

“I just… inhale?” 

“Not too much, or you’ll get sick.” 

Lily counted down from three in her head, and took a very small puff of the drug.

“C’mon, a little more.” 

“Is this peer pressure?” 

“No, jus-” 

Lily took a second puff, a little more this time, and Remus clapped for her. She grinned. “I’m a woman now.”

“A woman with a stick and poke tattoo,” Remus said as he made the second poke. 

“Ouch, okay, distract me again.” 

“With?” 

“Anything.”

“Well, okay, then. I hope I get some dick this summer.” 

Lily laughed. “You should. Are you looking for a summer romance this year, Re?” 

He laughed. “No. Just the dick.” 

“Didn’t you used to date Mary MacDonald?” 

“What?” He made the fourth poke as Lily bit her lip. “Oh, oh yeah, I remember that. Yeah, but that wasn’t serious, at least for me. She dumped me because she thought I was being secretive and I cared about my friends more than her.”

“She’s insecure like that.” 

“I guess. I couldn’t help that, though. I mean, I wouldn’t mind- no, I’d like a relationship. Yeah, they’re nice. Feels… good.” 

Cotton and good things started to cloud Lily’s mind. “You’re romantic when high.” 

“I’m not, I’m just stating facts.” He was silent as he made another poke. “Love is real. Just saying.” 

“Are you thinking about someone, Re?” 

“I’m thinking of how, how- shit, I don’t know.” He started giggling. “I’m high.” 

She started to giggle with him. “We’re high.”

He put down the needle. “We’re… so high right now?” 

“No, you’re wasted. Like a kite.” 

Remus knocked his head back. “God, like a kite.” 

“Re, you know what I always wondered?” Lily whisphered for no reason at all despite that the marijuana thought it was valid. 

“I always wondered what Beauxbattons was like…” 

“...It’s french. Anyway, so, this may just be the weed, but, because you like guys, and you live in a dorm room with three other guys, did you ever-” 

“Fuck?” 

“No! Did you ever, like, get a crush on any of them?” 

Remus paused long enough for Lily to regret everything and start mapping out the way back to her hotel. “Lily, did you ever have a crush on your dad?” 

“What the _fuck_ -” 

Remus started cackling. “Lily… oh my god… Lily, it’s like, when you live with someone for years, you see them at their worst. And it’s impossible to see them in any other light. Like, you couldn’t have a crush on your dad because you’ve seen him when he’s had a little too much to drink and his favorite football team just lost-” 

“Or maybe it’s because he’s my dad,” she chuckled. 

“Yeah, maybe. So the answer is no. Because dorm mates? Dorm mates are bros.” 

“Bros?” 

“And Lily, you wanna know something? You… are my bro.” 

He made the next few pokes in silence. “Lily, we need to make a pact. Bros before hoes. A pact that we’re not going to leave each other, okay?” He stuck out his hand for her to shake. She slapped it and they both laughed. Lily got up and walked to the kitchen, feeling ink drip down her leg. “We’re announcing this,” she explained. She opened the window and looked down onto the eternal city. She sucked in the Roman air and looked at Remus, who stuck his head out with hers so their shoulders were touching. 

 _“Bros before hoes!”_ Lily yelled so the farthest tree could hear. 

 _“I’m so high!”_ Remus yelled so McGonagall could hear and take away his prefect badge. 

They both bent over laughing at themselves, at the absurdity of it all. The tattoo would have to wait for tomorrow. 

~

 

Lily woke up the next morning with a headache. 

She and Remus had woke up at two thirty in the afternoon on a pull out couch in thirty six degree weather. “Disgustingly late to have breakfast,” in Remus’ point of view. 

“I'll trust the Italian on that note,” she yawned. 

“You shouldn't. I can burn pasta.” 

But Lily had slept over that night, which meant that they were officially having a sleepover. And when you wake up from a sleepover, you have to make the best (or worst, some debate) breakfast (or lunch, in this case) from whatever is in the kitchen. She searched the kitchen and dining room as casually as if it was her own for inspiration as Remus cleared the counter. 

“Huh, we got a letter,” he said as she took some fresh cheese out of the fridge. He waved the piece of crumpled parchment, sent without an envelope. “Must've come overnight.” 

Lily tossed a loaf of bread on the counter and rested her head on Remus’ shoulder, only to see harsh Italian written in purple marker. “What does it say?” 

Remus laughed, folded the letter, and put it in his back pocket. “Some teenagers tossed oranges through my bedroom window last night.” 

“Oh, damn-” 

“Oh, no, the window was open-” 

She sighed with relief. “Thank God.” Lily sat on the table, dangling her legs. “What are you going to do?” 

“Well, my cousin overheard and, with her Quidditch arms-” 

“Oh my God-” 

“Yep. She got them pretty good from what she wrote,” he chuckled. “Good luck to them.” 

“At least you weren’t home. What can we make with cheese, jam, cherries and pasta?” 

“We go out for pizza.” 

Lily clapped. “Sold.” 

~

Sirius Black got a concussion from an orange! Almighty Sirius Black, beater on the unsurpassable Gryffindor Quidditch team, the definition of sex appeal, Zeus’ human form, was taken down by a citrus fruit! 

Of course, if you asked Sirius, he would deny the entire situation, and state that after being hit with the first orange he stood his ground with the spirit of Godric Gryffindor in his heart and a dramatic war cry on his tongue. Good thing James has taken control of the story, because that is far from the truth.

After collapsing with a piercing crack, Sirius stumbled up like a drunken monkey and yelled, “H-Who- was that an _orange?"_

The thrower with a hell of an arm remained staring- almost curiously- at them, their expression obscured in the dark. 

Peter waved with his whole arm as if the thrower wasn’t about three meters above. “Hello?” In response, they reeled back their arm to throw another orange. “No! No, no, don’t throw! We’re looking for-” 

 _“Vattene, figlio di puttana!”_ Barked the voice. 

Peter took a deep breath. “Okay, you’re angry-” 

“Wormtail, please, now’s not the time to rationalize.” Sirius took a step out from behind James, which was the first mistake. He stepped into the thrower’s line of vision, into the sniping zone, and what came next could be anticipated. 

Upon recalling the event, Sirius says it was the impact on the ground that caused him to pass out. Even so, the second orange punched him on the hairline with a nasty smack that James can still hear and sent him reeling. 

If Italy was still asleep at this point, they were awake now. James made sure of it with his incessant swearing. 

 _“Holy shit!_ What the fuck, mate, what’d he do to you? We tossed an _orange,_ mate, calm down! Oh my God, Padfoot, what the  _fuck?”_

“Prongs!”

“Are you awake? Are you- Oh my God! Oh my God!” 

“Prongs, hey!”

“He’s out cold oh my _God!_ I- Oh no, oh nohoho. This is _bullshit, I swear to God-"_

Peter wacked James upside the head and he screamed, mistaking it for another fruit. _"Shut up!_ We gotta get Padfoot out of here!” 

“He could have a- a _concussion_ or something!”

“Yes! So let’s get out of here!” 

They each took an arm and carried Sirius’ dead weight after hearing a window slam shut. They carried him through and out of the alley, where the sun was turning the streets warm and the smell of bread started to fill the air, stopping on a curb. 

“Yeah, that’s definitely a concussion,” James said, tentatively touching the spot where the fruit hit him. 

“Are you sure you should be touching him?” After pondering, James moved away. They leaned over Sirius like surgeons over a loved one. 

It took another three minutes for Sirius to wake up. “Mate, you’ve been out for-” he checked his watch- “eight minutes now. That’s a concussion.” 

Sirius tried to prop himself up, but then all the blood ran from his head and he fell back, rubbing his temple. James pushed him down as he groaned and mumbled something incoherently. 

“What was that, mate?” 

“Did we… Moony?” 

“Huh? Moony isn’t here-” 

“What…? Where…” 

“Padfoot, calm down, yeah?” James patted him on the head. “It’s fine-” 

“No, where is he? Moony?” 

James chuckled. “Mate, you’re fucked up right now, yeah? You can barely talk at full volume-” 

Sirius tried to get up again, wincing as he gulped a wave of nausea. “‘M fine, ‘m fine.”

“Padfoot, you have a concussion, we’re going home-” 

Sirius whined like a dog and put his head in his hands. “No.” He sat there quietly, James rubbing his shoulder, until he got up like a baby giraffe again. “No, m’ not going home.” 

“Padfoot, are you-” 

“I’m not crying!” He sobbed. “I’m- I’m nowhere- no. No.” 

Peter bit his lip, failing not to laugh. James shook his head and grabbed Sirius around the shoulders. “Sirius, you’re confused. I’m taking you home.” Peter picked up the wand as James’ smile and pompous air began to grow, and grabbed the wand Peter tossed. 

~

Sirius had a stage two concussion. Surprise, surprise. Symptoms being loss of consciousness, dizziness, nausea, and

“Confused! I was confused, Prongs, don’t turn this into some Shakespearean romance.” 

Upon apparating to the Potter manor, Sirius threw up all his pain onto a sheepskin rug twice as old as him (but worth half as much, let’s be honest) and announced himself as “ready to rock and roll.” James determined that his use of the phrase “ready to rock and roll” qualified him for mental examination by Euphemia Potter, head nurse at Saint Mungo’s. First, Euphemia was furious that they had stolen her husband’s wand, but her maternal nature (or, as James referred to it, her Cancer stellium) sent Sirius to the sick bed with healing potions and the first warm meal he’s had since Hogwarts. Sirius praised her in the beginning for her excellent nursing, but now he is starting to believe that she was slipped a confundus charm, as she has allowed this hyperventilating pigeon into his room and is causing his blood pressure to rise. The bird in question was currently bouncing on his heels on the bed, and hugging the pillow so he’d have something to do with his arms. 

“Give me my pillow back, you wanker. I need it, I’m ill.” 

“You’re fine, you’ve rested enough already. You got a healthy blush on you-” 

“I’m not blushing!” 

James squealed like a teenage girl watching a chick-flick. “Yes you are! Look at you!” 

Sirius layed back on the (pillowless) bed, closing his eyes. “I’m ignoring you.” 

“You can’t do that forever.” 

“Yes I can. Watch me.” 

James poked his finger in the space between Sirius’ ribs, causing him to squirm. “You were crying for Moony. You miss Moony. You love Moony. You loved him since fourth year. His absence has driven you into an inconsolable depression-” 

 _"You’re_ an inconsolable-” 

“Admit you love him!” 

Sirius flew up and snatched the pillow. “I do not.” 

“You do, too!” 

“Do not. 

“Do, too!” 

“Do not!”

_“Do, too!”_

_“Do not!”_

_“Do not!”_

_“Do, too!”_

James clapped his hands and bounced. “See?” Sirius groaned as if hit by a third orange. 

“You are insufferable.” 

“I try.” James got up to his dresser and started rummaging through some clothes. “So how are we gonna woo him?” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, I mean, we’ve established that you’re head over heels for the bloke and your love cannot be contained. So obviously the next step is to end your useless pining and take action.” James pulled out a band tee they stole from a thrift shop. “I think this one brings out your eyes.” 

Sirius rolled his eyes and stared at the shirt, imaging Remus there with him. “I don’t pine.” 

“Oh, Padfoot. The fact that you had to pause and think-” 

James’ thought was interrupted by a pillow to the head. How’d that get there?

There was a knock at the door. James opened it nonchalantly as Sirius wondered at how his mother knocked in her own home. A chill breeze blew in. 

“James? Sweetie, Sirius’ father is here to pick him up.” 

For the first time that day, James wasn’t smiling. The chill breeze grew stronger. Sirius flashed behind him. “Huh?” 

“Hon, is there anything wrong? You look pale-” 

“Yeah, we’re fine, yeah.” James slammed the door in a way Sirius would be cursed for. He remained where he was as James paced the room, already thinking out loud. He felt the air around him stir, strangling him. He wondered if he fainted would he be able to stay with the Potters. Just one more day. Please, Lord, just one more day. 

James was saying something. What was he saying? Sirius couldn’t hear him. The air was too loud. It’s too cold in here. 

“Guess I’ll have to go, then.” 

James was speaking faster, now. How is that even possible? Sirius never carried more than he could hold in a pocket, so there was nothing to pack. Sucking in as much sub-zero air as possible, he opened the door. James hugged him from behind. 

“I love you, mate. Get home safe,” he think he said. 

“Thanks.” Sirius started heading down the stairs, James knowing better than to follow. 

Orion Black was standing on the porch. Of course he refused to enter the Potter manor, why would he, Orion Black, want to mix with blood traitors? Why, when Orion Black could stand in the thick July air in French silk robes, enchanted with ingredients deprived from endangered magical animals and sewed by house elves in a underground factory in Greenland? Why, when Orion Black could face away and hold his chin up to the sun and review his favorite illegal curses? Why should Orion Black demean himself in such a way? He has already proved in his first moments on the land that he is pure, with his fake French accent and unspoken insistence that he be called Sir Black at all times. He does not need to mingle with those who use their fortune for activism. What a wanton way to spend money! Orion Black much prefers banished goods and bribes to people in power. What does he bribe them for? Well, really, you mustn’t ask a Black that. 

He turned around as Sirius closed the door behind him, not to look at him, but to admire the mansion his son spent the night in. They stood in silence, Sirius searching his father’s eyes and his father searching for an excuse as to why Regulus is the new heir of Black. 

~

Remus had finished Lily’s stick and poke tattoo just in time for  _Festa La Vita._ It was a small, cutely lopsided flower. 

“A lily,” he said it was. 

“Remus, no offense, but have you ever seen a lily before?” 

“I was high, Lily, please.” 

Lily was headed for a music festival that night. It would be her first concert in her sixteen pathetic years of life. Technically, her first concert was her church retreat to see a gospel group when she was nine, but she likes to block out her childhood. It’s riddled with Catholic guilt, which she is now working to replace with live music and alcohol and someone named Antonio. Or Ronaldo, or Alejandro. Something Italian that Lily is trying to guess. 

“Alejandro isn’t Italian-” 

“Hush, he’s giving me bedroom eyes.” From this view from the third place in line to buy drinks, Antonio-Ronaldo-Alejandro, the makeshift bartender at the pop-up stand, appeared to have brown eyes, but they could also be hazel. 

“He’s giving you I’m-working-an-eight-hour-shift-in-the-middle-of-the-night-selling-drinks-to-wasted-teenagers-at-a-music-festival eyes. He’s exhausted.” 

“Oh, please. Exhausted is a good look on him.” 

Remus rolled his eyes as they moved up in line. “What should we get?” 

She stared at the foreign menu, mentally reviewing her knowledge of alcohol. “Something on the rocks.” 

“Lily, please tell me the definition of on the rocks.” 

“With ice?” 

He chuckled. “Huh. I stand corrected.” 

Remus ordered them both bitter, fruity drinks with a dialect name that Lily couldn’t pronounce as she sat on a bench facing the festivities. He came back grinning and a bit addled. 

“You seem happy.” She took a sip and felt her brain cells begin to vibrate. He shrugged.

“How much did this cost again? I need to pay you back.” 

He laughed, wiping his face and setting down his drink on the bench. “It was… on the house.” 

Lily almost did a spit take. “Remus Lupin, do you have a-” 

“Shut up!” He nodded behind her. “Don’t look now, but-” Remus grabbed her shoulders, anticipating her to jump around. “There was this guy, behind us, he started talking-”

“Just talking-” 

“No! Okay, I’ll admit it, he was a bit flirty. Maybe a little more. His name is Caetano, he’s from Catanzaro, he’ll be seventeen in August and…” Remus showed her the number on the napkin. Lily gasped. 

“Remus, oh my gosh, I- what does he look like?” 

He bit his tongue. “Look behind you, but don’t make it obvious. 

Lily adjusted herself so she was casually facing this Caetano. He looked to be about five centimeters shorter than Remus, but with a loud laugh to make up for it. His skin was clear and a deep olive that shone like water. His loose black hair was tied into a man bun on top of his head, and he had dimples and a Roman nose. He was wearing a band tee from one of the performers, with ruffed up sneakers and leather bracelets. 

“He looks like Sirius.” 

“What? No.” 

She squinted. “Yeah, he could be his brother, all right.” 

He shook his head. “No, I don’t see it. I have much better taste than that.” 

“No, listen. Hair a little longer, skin a little darker, tweak of the nose and you have Sirius Black.” 

“You’re looking at him from far away. Up close, he’s his own person. He’s Caetano.” 

“Sure, sure. Whens you’re date with Caetano?” She pronounced the name with a heavy accent that made Remus laugh. 

“He wants to get dinner tomorrow-” 

“Rem! Look at you!” 

He smiled proudly and flustered. “We’re getting by.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? projecting my love for astrology on james potter? never! 
> 
> so glad ya'll are enjoying this fic so far. it's getting hot in here now ;) 
> 
> join me on my tumblr! proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	4. what's up?

When Remus was seven and his dad was still around, he would take him to the Ministry to transform. He had a special cell just for him with cushioned walls and charms casted by twelve different aurors. It was an insane asylum for werewolves. 

His nurse was Nurse Winters, but he let Remus call him Gus. Gus was a tall wizard in his late twenties, lean from his young Quidditch career. He had brown hair that Remus envied and admired for being curly and tameable at the same time. His skin was smooth and glowed and always smelled of lemon. When Remus would leave, he would sneak a bag of chocolate into his backpack. 

Around Gus, Remus felt warm. 

Five years later, Remus was in his second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Due to mysterious circumstances, his last Defense Against Dark Arts teacher had left and had been replaced this year with Professor Jackson. Professor Jackson was insanely brilliant, tall as a tree, and was one of the best teachers Remus had ever had. He made Remus feel warm. 

One year later, Remus was sitting criss-cross on the red rug of his dorm room with Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew on either side of him. They watched with mixed boredom and awe as James Potter gushed in front of them. 

“There’s just something about her, yeah? It’s like- I can’t describe it. When I’m around Lily Evans, I feel- I feel warm, yeah? I feel like I can take on the world when she looks at me. She makes me anxious, but she makes it good, you know?”

Remus raised his eyebrow and laughed at his friend’s dramatics. But three hours later, staring uncomfortably at his four-poster curtains, he was no longer laughing. 

James feels warm around Lily. Who did Remus ever feel warm for? 

Oh dear Merlin. 

That was the same year there was a scandal going around Hogwarts. Felix McMahon, seventh year, captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, was caught cheating on his girlfriend with- gasp!- Martin Desaro! Hogwarts was turned upside down. Felix McMahon gay? Couldn’t be!

“McMahon can’t like blokes, have you seen him on the broom? He’s made for birds,” James had announced to his herbology class. 

Lily, who was sharing a table with him and Remus, dropped her jaw. “What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Well…” James would have slapped a case of fungi off the table in his nervousness if Remus wasn’t there to save it. Unfortunately, it meant he got a taste of James’ elbow. 

“Exactly,” she said without waiting for an answer. “Your statement is unfounded in fact. Anyone can be attracted to anyone, regardless on their ability on a broomstick.” 

Remus nodded and took a mental note that Lily was educated in these matters. 

It took two weeks of anxious planning and chickening out until Remus finally approached Lily in the breakfast hall. It was early and most people were still asleep, but Lily was a chronic morning person and Remus an insomniac. (Both are still this way.) 

“Goodmorning,” she had said, stirring fresh cinnamon inter her oatmeal. Remus nodded in reply. 

“Have you heard of Felix McMahon? What he did?” he rushed, careful to not seem suspicious, but it’s hard to not be when you’re pale as a sheet and whispering in an empty dining hall. 

Lily frowned, her eyes dissecting Remus’ thoughts, ready to pounce if he said anything mildly offensive. He gulped down some water, though most of it spilt onto the table cloth. The stain was shaped like the Grim. 

“What about him?” She said. 

“He’s gay.” 

Lily rolled her eyes, gripping her oatmeal bowl in case she needed to move in a huff. Or throw it at his face. Lily Evans can go either way. “And?” 

“Well, I- I wanted to know-” 

“Then you should ask him.” Surprisingly, Lily stood her ground and stared through Remus as if he were a burning forest and she a stoic pyromaniac. She was waiting for him to explode. 

“I- I can’t-” 

“Why not? Jesus, Remus, I thought you were better than this.” 

Remus breathed in, collecting himself. “We’re friends, right?” 

She paused at the unexpected question. “Why- yes, we are.” 

“Then follow me.” 

Remus forced Lily into the one person bathroom. The lock made a loud click that echoed through the room. 

“Lily, what I’m about to say is never going to leave this room?” 

“What? Are you-” 

He grabbed her shoulders. “Lily, what I’m about-” 

“Remus, are you going to tell me you’re gay in Hogwarts’ weed supply room?” 

Remus almost fell to the floor in shock. He had to support himself on the sink. “What?” They looked at each other in silence. 

“I- Oh, Remus, I’m sorry. Is that actually what you were about to do?” 

He stared at the gout between the bathroom tiles, tracing it across the floor. “I guess? I think so?”

“Remus, oh, I’m so sorry-” 

“Why are you sorry?” 

“I don’t know, I’m sorry I said that. Do you want a hug?” 

Remus bit his lip as she came in for one. He buried his face into her hair, finally understanding why James obsessed over it so much- did she wash it in pure coconut water? 

What happened in that bathroom never left. Remus never talked about his sexuality with anyone else. When Sirius came out as gay by referring to Professor Dumbledore as “a gay icon for all the young gays, like myself, to serve hand and foot” in the dining hall for all to hear, Remus just clapped and gave him a hug. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of it or confused. The most he thought about it was in his fantasies and when Lily gave him a uniquely cultivated survey made by herself to determine that, congratulations, Remus John Lupin is bisexual! It’s not a secret, it’s just not relevant. 

The only long lasting effect of that morning was an undeniable yet sudden closeness between the two. But they each had their own best friends at the time, their own social responsibilities and their own lives to live. 

Until now, July twelfth, 1976, when they’re close enough for Lily to stay with Remus at his cousin’s place for a week and to critic his latest date an hour before he needed to leave. It’s also why he didn’t kick Lily out when she brought up for the second time the utter lie that Caetano resembled Sirius Black. 

“Why are you so hung up about this?” He asked as he poured their second bowl of popcorn as they watched bad Italian soap operas with wrong subtitles. (Well, they would be, if they weren’t so talkative.) 

“Because you refuse to see it!” 

He groaned over her protests. “There’s nothing to see. And it’s not like it’s going to blossom into anything. We’re getting a quick dinner.”

“Caetano might think it’s more than just a quick dinner.” Remus added a tally to his mental list of times she has said the name Caetano since last night. It has been sixteen. 

“Listen, I’m not trying to lead him on, I’m not looking for anything right now.” 

Lily pushed herself up from her lying position on the couch into sitting criss-cross. “Maybe you should be.” Remus deflected by tossing a throw pillow at her, but she caught it and placed it in her lap. “Remus, I don’t care if you believe it or not, but you’re deserving of love.” 

He felt his face get warm. “Oh dear God, please don’t give me an inspiring chat right now about self-love.” 

“Maybe you need it. All I’m saying is, maybe you should give him a shot. Just for the summer.” 

“Give love a shot, okay.” 

“That’s not what I said. But if it becomes something more…” She shrugged, getting up and pulling Remus with her. “C’mon, you bisexual disaster, you have a date tonight.” 

~

The Black Manor in England was built in 1950. Before that, the Blacks resided in an equally luxurious manor in the Dominican Republic. When the Trujillo rule spread to control the wizarding society, they decided that, as the wealthiest wizarding family in the West Indies, they didn’t need to be dictated by a muggle. Corvus Black moved his family, consisting of Agatha, Orion, and Alphard Black to England, where they ordered the construction of the new manor. Even Sirius must admit they did a pretty good job; the manor was architecturally interesting while being able to support a (very, very, very rich and corrupt) family. He had one complaint, however: why do the floors have to be made of stone?

The basement of the Black Manor contained a brewery for brewing Dark potions and such, but it also served as the discipline grounds for Black young. As potions are required to be brewed at cold temperatures, the stone floor absorbs and magnifies the coldness by about three hundred percent. And when you’re kicked down to it, it’s two kinds of torture: the pain of being slapped onto stone by a two hundred pound force and the chillness seeping into your bones as you lie there. 

From this position, however, Sirius can’t see Orion Black’s face. That’s good in some ways: that means that there’ll be no faces to taunt in his nightmares. But sometimes having a disembodied voice torture you is worse. 

“You were with the Potters?” Orion Black asked, but both parties remained silent. “I see. And you were in a muggle town, I hear? A muggle town with a blood-traitor’s son? I see... “ He began to pace, his footsteps setting the beat for the rest of his monologue and his perfect diction making the room colder and colder. “Now, if I have my facts correct, you were found dawdling in a muggle town in Italy.” Orion Black turned to face his son on the floor, hands behind his back. “Is this correct?” 

A door slammed upstairs. “No.” 

“No?” 

“It wasn’t a muggle town. There’s a small road where the wizards live.” 

“It’s segregated, then.” 

“No. The wizards and muggles interact because they’re not dumb fucks like you.” 

The sentence did not have a chance to echo before Orion Black casted the curse. He slashed with his wand- rigid, asper wood, white river monster spine core- through the indifferent air, red light shooting out like electrified spider silk. Despite the brute force of the spell, he remained rigid and stoic. He could have been practicing on a dog and nothing about him would have changed. 

Sirius didn’t need to look at the man to know what curse he had cast. He could tell in the change of stance, in his intake of breath- hell, he even brought it on with what he said. He could tell in the feeling of pressure on every inch of his body, compacting his bones and organs and muscles and blood into a ball in the perfect center of his body. He could feel it in the fire on every hair follicle and the earthquakes behind his eyes. He felt it in the increase of gravity in his head and the star dying in his stomach. He felt it in his joints cracking and his muscles tightening and in the voices he heard telling him things in a dead language. Latin? Gaelic? Cherokee? It didn’t matter, they were all saying the same thing:   _ I deserve this.  _

He felt the pain when it stopped, when he struggled to control his erratic panting on the stone floor. He felt it in how Orion Black never moved the entire time. He felt it when he spoke: “Regulus told me what you’ve been doing. 

“He told me about your midnight excursions outside. He told me about how he saw you with muggles at night, and how he saw the letters you exchanged with others. I know you’ve been conversing with the blood-traitors and mudbloods and half-breeds. I can see it in how you’re seizing right now. 

“They’re ruining us. You’re already ruined the family, but you yourself have been ruined the day you had that Sorting Hat placed on your sorry head. We should have disowned you then, so we would not have the shame now of a recalcitrant, scandalous child mucking around our manor.” 

Orion Black stared at Sirius. Was Sirius alive down there on that floor? It was the longest he had withstanded a cruciatus curse. He didn’t care to find out and walked up the stairs slowly, with purpose. 

Sirius counted thirteen minutes on that stone floor. His heart beat subtly and sporadically, going long stretches without beating where he thought it’d be a pity to die next to a cabinet full of Asphodel roots. As he was considering getting up, he heard two pairs of footsteps and fell back down again. 

Orion Black reemerged from the stairs with his wand in hand. He stood so close that Sirius could smell the leather polish on his shoes. It might have been the closest they’ve ever been in contact. Orion Black kicked Sirius in the eye and he moaned involuntarily. 

“It’s alive,” he said. “Step up here, boy.” A second pair of feet stood next to him, facing away from Sirius’ eyes. 

“Regulu-” Orion Black kicked Sirius again, this time in the mouth, knocking out a tooth. His blood coated his tongue quickly. Regulus took something out of his pocket, something silver and compact.

“Kneel.” Regulus kneeled. They stood in perfect tableau. 

“Grab it.” Regulus collected Sirius’ hair with both hands, careful to scoop up every strand. Sirius pulled away, but Orion Black was faster and cast an immobilizing charm on him. 

“Do it.” Regulus didn’t move. “Do it, boy.” His grip on Sirius’ hair grew tighter. There was a clicking noise and a whisper as Sirius’ mind raced. 

Regulus brought the flame from his wand to Sirius’ hair and Sirius couldn’t scream. He couldn’t move or say anything. Even his breathing wasn’t under his control. As his hair caught the flame, Regulus tossed it aside onto the floor as the sulfuric smell began to spread. 

“Good.” The fire crept up Sirius’ hair like a snake approaching it’s victim. Regulus grabbed it from the scalp with both hands, clutching it and running his hands across the skin, almost massaging. It smelled strongly, but of what Sirius couldn’t place. He yelped as the fire reached his hands. 

Sirius shut his eyes, waiting for the fire to touch him, but it never came. At least, he didn’t feel it. It felt as if the fire reached the very tip of the root, but his scalp was repelling it. He didn’t have time to wonder, as Regulus cast a reversing spell and the fire ceased, the smell still rioting through the room. The immobilizing charm was lifted, and he gasped as Orion Black grabbed him by his neck like a mutt and dragged him through the brewery, up the stairs, to the entrance hall, up to the grand fireplace. The grip tightened the more Sirius let his feet drag, the more he tried to kick and trip his kidnapper, the more he dug his nails into his skin until purple blood oozed out and stained his sleeve. 

“Stop it!” Regulus yelled. He stared Sirius dead in the eye as he ran to keep pace. “Just go!” 

Sirius turned and glared with malice at him as Orion Black tossed Floo powder inside the fireplace. He saw his brother for the first time as brave, but only when he was behind daddy bear. 

Sirius screamed. He screamed so his vocal chords could have the hope of reaching out and strangling everyone in sight. 

Orion Black tossed him into the Floo. 

~

Remus biked back to his cousin’s apartment after his date. He could have called his cousin to pick him up, but he needed a way to burn some energy. Because Remus really hates admitting that he’s wrong, especially to himself, and even more to Lily Evans. 

Because,   _ holy hell, _   is Caetano exactly like Sirius. 

Sure, they’re close enough appearance-wise, but personality? Oh dear God, Remus had to keep himself from laughing most of the time. 

Caetano was a football fanatic. He was the star player on his school team, and once played in Milan. He talked about it like, well, Sirius about Quidditch. He found himself laughing or frowning at inappropriate times, drawing the similarities. It made him furious, but it was also slightly endearing in a way. Caetano asked him about it. 

_ It’s nothing, _   he said.   _ You just remind me of someone. _

_ Of who? _

_ Of my- of someone that I used to know. _

_ Really? _

Remus slaps himself now, while riding to the apartment.   _ Not- not of an ex, or anything. Just an old friend. _

_ Really? Just… just a friend? _

He choked on his drink at that.   _ Trust me, I would never- I never had feelings for him. You two aren’t even that much in common. _

It seemed like that was the end of that, and the night progressed like a normal date; one of the better ones, in fact. Though Remus found himself doing most of the talking (thank God that was one of the things he didn’t have in common with Sirius), they both had a pretty enjoyable night. Caetano was telling him a story about a stupid stunt he pulled with his friends. Remus laughed honestly, and said to himself,  _ Shut up, Pads.  _

_ Shut up, Pads.  _

Remus made up an excuse to leave early. They both knew it was the last date. 

That leaves Remus now, biking furiously through Rome, sure that he’s going to get whipped when he gets home for traveling alone at night, ready to collapse into his bed and never come out again. His head hurts but he doesn’t know why, and the setting sun cast long shadows through the streets as the light from windows guide the way. 

What has he gotten himself into? 

~

July 18th 1976. 

_  Hi Moony! _

_ Still writing you because we’re best friends and that’s what best friends do. Sorry again for throwing those oranges- they really were perfectly fine oranges, weren’t they? But now Padfoot can’t even look at one without flashbacks. _

_ We all really miss you, mate. Write us soon, yeah? _

  * _Prongs_



_ Hey Padfoot,  _

_ ARE YOU OKAY?! I haven’t seen you since you were formally escorted from my house and I have met your parents, Black, so don’t tell me that you’re fine. My doors are always open and it’s not like I have any other friends nearby to do dumb shit with and I’m feeling vaguely impulsive! _

  * _Prongs_



July 19th, 1976 

_ Hey marauders,  _

_ As you may have noticed, I have adopted a new owl. Her name is Silvia and we have grown a bond.  _

_ I’m doing fine up here, honestly. Just the usual. To satisfy our collective maraudering needs, I’ll meet all of you in Diagon’s Alley tomorrow night. No exceptions!  _

  * _Padfoot_



_ Hi Marauders!  _

_ Wish I could, mate- some of us are grounded from that apparition stunt.  _

  * _Wormtail_



_ Well, fuck you then.  _

  * _Padfoot_



_ Greetings, Marauders!  _

_ I can sneak out, see you then!  _

  * _Prongs_



_ Hi Moons,  _

_ I’m sorry. I don’t know if you’re reading these but it’s the truth, so take it or leave it.  _

  * _Pads_



~

July 20th, 1976. A Sunday. The sun is in the center of the sky. Any popsicle outside in this weather would melt in a minute. Every person afraid of heat stroke was lounging on their front steps, cup of juice in hand, fanning off the heat that their homes would insulate. Welcome to Calabria in July. 

Frankly, Remus missed Calabria. It was calmer than Rome and it had the ocean outside his window. It’s hard to appreciate, however, when he was guiding Lily Evans through it. Guiding someone new into his deep personal life. Welcome to Calabria! 

He walked her down the street, greeting the neighbors as she pointedly listened to understand the silky language and test it on her own lips (and butcher it much later to his delight), until they arrived at his house. The Lupin home, the one with the red door. 

“Festive,” Lily said. Remus opened the door, revealing the household that defied Western decoration in all aspects. He was preparing for Lily’s cringe. 

“It’s an aesthetic.” He walked inside, scratching Ceres’ ear as she leaped off the windowsill and picking her up. “It’s called demented-Italian-chic. Ceres, meet Lily. Lily, meet the love of my life.” 

Lily pet the cat, admiring her. “Nice to meet you, Ceres. I have to say, I’m a fan of demented-Italian-chic.” 

“You wouldn’t be if you lived in it.” 

Remus’ mother walked into the living room, powder caking her hands and smudged in places on her face.  _ RJ? Is that- oh,  _ she tried to wipe the flour onto her apron but only made it worse,  _ Hello. _

Remus turned around, searching for a way to introduce Lily to his mother on such short notice.  _ Um, mom, this is Lily. My friend.  _ “Lily, this is my mom. Cool? Cool.” 

"Buongiorno, signora Lupin," Lily said. 

_ We’re going to my room. We’ll be quick. Tell grandma we’re here.  _ Remus began to rush up the small flight of stairs before his mother could say otherwise. When both he and Lily were in his bedroom, Remus jumped down on his bed, Ceres in arms, ready to explain all the intricacies of Italian life like he had done before when his dorm mates first visited. Instead, she had some other questions. 

“Oh my God- Remus, are all those  _ letters?”  _

Remus looked to where Lily was now standing and sorting through a pile of papers. He stood up and walked behind her. 

“It’s like you received one everyday- July eleventh, twelvth, thirteenth-” 

“Give me that-” Remus grabbed a letter from her hand, ripping it open without care to the envelope. 

_ Hi Moons,  _

_ I’m sorry. Please forgive me.  _

  * _Pads_



_ Hey Moons,  _

_ I’m sorry. I’m hanging in here! _

  * _Pads_



_ Good morning (or whatever time it is when you’re reading this), _

_ I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say it? I am!  _

_ Hi Moons,  _

_ I’m sorry. It’s like writing you these letters is the only constant in my life right now.  It’s soothing. Do you rip these up? I don’t think I would blame you.  _

  * _Pads_



_ Hi Moons,  _

_ I’m sorry. I miss you.  _

  * _Pads_



Remus flipped through the letters, letting them fall on the floor. “Dear Merlin…” Lily picked up a letter but he grabbed it from her, blushing suddenly. “Sorry…” 

“Who are those from? This is insane.” 

“I don’t know…” Sirius. They’re all from Sirius. Some others are from James and Peter, but every single day without fail there was one from Sirius. Signed Pads. Every single day he thought of him. 

“They’re from one of the boys, isn’t it? Is it Sirius?” 

Remus squeezed the papers tighter, biting his cheek. “Yes.” 

“Dear God, what is he saying? Every day?” 

“They’re not bad!” For some unknown reason, Remus felt the need to keep the letters to himself. “He’s just apologizing.” 

“For this long?” 

Remus bit down harder, his world turning rose. “I guess.” He sat down on his bed, placing the letters carefully underneath his pillow and picking up Ceres again. Lily sat down next to him. 

“Are we going to talk about this?” 

“What’s there to talk about?” 

“Okay, I’ll bring something up, then. How’d your date go?” 

Remus groaned. “Fine.” 

“Usually people don’t groan before describing things as ‘fine.’” 

“I’m not like other girls.” 

Lily hit him with a pillow. “Don’t joke with me!” 

“Don’t use my own pillows against me!” He pet Ceres, buying time before explaining what exactly was wrong about Caetano. “He was boring. Football fanatic.” 

“That’s all?” 

“That’s all.” 

“You’re acting strange.” 

Remus didn’t respond. Something about those letters left him feeling a certain way.  Feeling like they were sacred only to him and feeling like they were deeply embarrassing, like a preteen girl to her diary. But, no- Remus Lupin isn’t some dumb preteen girl. He’s almost an adult, God damnit! Would an adult respond to those letters? His eyes started drifting to the pillow. Well, Remus is a petty adult. So there. 

“Are you listening to me?” 

“Hm?” 

“I said…” Lily put her hands on his shoulders, preparing for a pep talk. “It seems like he’s really trying to say something, if he’s sending you all those letters.” 

“His actions speak more than-” he began, under his breath. 

“What exactly did he do?” He remained silent. “Come on, Re. You haven’t told me what he did. Everyone knows what went down between me and Snape- you can’t exactly live down being called a slur infront of the whole school. But you and those boys? One day you four were hanging out in the common room as always, doing whatever you boys do, and the next day… you weren’t.” 

Remus felt the spotlight on him. It was blinding and suffocating. “It’s complicated.” 

“You can tell me, Re.” 

He shook his head. “I can’t.” 

“Why?” 

“I just can’t.” He knew he’d have to tell her sometime, but he didn’t expect it to be now. He expected, hoped, prayed for it to be somewhere in the far future, where Remus is on his deathbed and he starts the confession with,  _ oh, by the way…  _

“Remus, I don’t want to lecture you right now, but holding it in for this long isn’t helping anyone. I’m not forcing you to tell me now. But please know that I’m here, okay? Actually, I’ll be staying in your home for the next few days. We agreed on that.” She paused. “Unless you don’t-” 

“Yes, I want you here Lily.” 

She hugged him. “I want you here, too.” 

“That doesn-” 

“Stop being cynical, you dumb fuck.” He laughed. 

“He was just writing to apologize, that’s all. Each letter was about one sentence, but it was always saying the same thing.” 

“Sounds like he’s sorry.” 

“I don’t know if I believe it.” 

“Then why are you smiling?”

“Fuck off.” 

~

James Potter is many things and he will not bore you with listing all of them. But the most important thing about him in this situation is that he is very, very, very observant. It’s how he knows when Lily showers based off how shiny her hair is, and how whipped Sirius is on any given day based on how long it takes for him to close his gaping jaw after watching Remus walk out of the shower (average duration: 3 minutes on weekdays, 6.5 on weekends and holidays).  James Potter has keen eyes. So when he saw Sirius, hair chopped to just above his chin and without his signature leather jacket, alarms started ringing. 

“Jesus Christ, mate, what on earth happened to you?” 

“Nice to see you too, Prongsie. It’s been a while.” 

“Don’t pull that bullcrap on me, Sirius, what happened to your hair?” Sirius looked naked without his shoulder length hair. 

“Oh, this? New cut, you like it?” 

“Why would you ever do that? Cut off your baby?” 

“Thank you, James, I’m rather fond of it myself-” 

“Cut the crap, mate. What happened?” 

Sirius shrugged, the lamplights of Diagon’s Alley turning him transparent and sickly. “Switching it up.” James knew to back off. 

“Let’s get going, then, I’m not staying out in the cold to talk to you about your life choices, yeah?” 

“Prongs, it’s the middle of July.” 

“We’re going to the Leaky Cauldron, yeah?” 

James couldn’t tell if Sirius was smiling. “Of course.” They began walking down the alley, the sun behind them. James was doing most of the talking, but he notice Sirius wasn’t responding with the usual banter. He stopped suddenly, Sirius walking into his shoulder with a surprising bump. 

“Mate, you are not okay.” 

“And what makes you say that?” He replied, deadpan. 

“Mate, I have eyes. I can see you’re hurting-” 

Sirius flinched. “Don’t pull that bullshit on me, I told you I’m fine. Drop it.” 

James crossed his arms. “Come home with me, Sirius.” 

“Not on the first date.” 

“Sirius!” 

He laughed half-heartedly, more like a puff of air than anything else. “Mate, we’re already at the Cauldron. Calm down and have a drink with me.” He opened the door and walked in without waiting for a response. 

The pub was as calm as a pub can get. On a Sunday at 7pm, most pub-goers had already filtered out, leaving tried-and-true regulars sitting at the bar. Sirius found them a seat by the window and bought them two butterbeers (the bartender knew them too well to give them anything but that). James sat down in front of him with a huff. 

“I heard you’ve been feeling vaguely impulsive, Prongs.” He smirked, leaning forward with both arms on the table. “I have an idea to solve that.” 

“And?” 

“When will your parents be gone?” 

“First week of August…” 

Sirius opened his palms, the light from the window setting his eyes on fire. “Let’s throw a rager. Invite all of Hogwarts and then some more. Get some firewhisky and foreign booze and let’s party.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im alive!!
> 
> join me at my tumblr: proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	5. the party planning committee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: graphic depictions of anxiety & panic attacks

There's a muggle picture of the marauders on Remus Lupin's desk, right where the letters landed while he was in Rome. Its them last summer, August 1975. Remus is taking the picture in the muggle camera he got for his birthday in the mirror of a London charity shop. He’s dark and slightly freckled from the sun, with almost no bags under his eyes. James is on Remus’ left wearing bright green shutter shades, throwing peace signs. He’s laughing at a joke Peter had made. Peter is far in the back, not knowing a picture was being taken, but realizing just in time to jump up and smile. He’s balancing on a clothing rack carrying adult women’s button ups that are threatening to fall over. Sirius was on Remus’ side, wearing the leather jacket that would soon become his trademark. His head was in the crook of Remus’ shoulder, tongue out and winking for the camera, very punk rock. And Remus was smiling, obviously very happy. 

Lily loved this picture. 

~ 

Sirius Black is drinking lemonade in James Potter's backyard. It is the second batch of lemonade, for James made the first and, being the asshat he is, put salt instead of sugar. Very funny. 

Peter was lounging on one of the pool chairs and James was perched on the edge of the second, jiggling his leg. Sirius was standing in front of them, of course, because he had the master plan and he loved attention. 

"I'm thinking of inviting the Gryffindors who graduated two years ago, in our third year. They were the craziest-" 

"You sure they'll come?" Peter asked, raising is eyebrow. 

"Wormtail, please, be cooperative," Sirius continued. "This has to be the best thing to happen to the wizarding world of our generation! If we don't go down in history for this party, then it'll be a waste. It needs to be a game changer, it needs to change lives. Pete, you’re losing your virginity soon, so get practicing.” 

"Oi, is that a threat?" 

"It just may be!" A new adrenaline was coursing through Sirius, something he had never felt before. This party was his brain child that he was raising to become an adult of their own and one day surpass him. Sirius Black had a will to live. 

James raised his hand. “Um, Padfoot, I’m sorry to interrupt, but if my parents come home to find the remains of-” he made air quotes- “‘The Best Thing To Happen To The Wizarding World’ in their home, there’ll be hell to pay.” 

Sirius put his hands on his hips. “Prongsie, I am well aware of that. Who do you think I am? That’s why-” he waved his hands, making a rainbow, “there will be no physical remains. Only metaphysical. Because we’re just that great.” 

“Wow, ten dollar word, Padfoot. And how exactly will that be?” 

“Well, we do have magic,” Peter stated. 

“Yes! Yes, because we have magic. Boom.” 

James stared at him, head cocked like a dog. “I’m suspicious.” 

“Hi suspicious,” Sirius responded. 

He squinted, unsure. Sirius smiled widely. James squinted some more. Sirius didn’t seem to notice. 

~

Sirius Black feels fine, everybody! No, he is not depressed, he is not suicidal, he is not “going through something.” He is okay! You can all go home now, nothing to see here!

Sirius Orion Black is not going insane! 

Maybe he’s homeless. Maybe he’s hiding that fact from his closest friends. But he won’t be for much longer. He doesn’t plan on going home- no, not at all, that hellhole was never a home. That hellhole was just a house where people lived in, and Sirius is so glad to be out of there. He is starting anew, turning a new leaf in his life. Sirius Black may be motherfucking homeless but, fuck, he feels great! And guess what? He doesn’t need no motherfucking Remus John Lupin. Fuck Remus John Lupin and his fucking stubborn ass, guilting him for weeks. This is all his fault. 

What is Remus even doing right now? Feeling real smug holding all those letters, probably. Hanging out with his new friends on the beach, smoking weed or some shit.  _ Fuck Remus John Lupin and-  _

“Oh dear Merlin- Sirius are you-”

_ “I’m fine, Peter, Jesus Christ!” _

“Why are you- dear God, are you crying?” 

Sirius got to his feet from the bathroom floor, wiping his face with his sleeve. “Keep your voice down, fuck.” 

Peter had his hands up in surrender. “Sirius, dear Merlin, you look like-” 

“I know what I look like, Peter, there’s a mirror right in front of me.” The lighting in the room made the bags under his eyes a deep violet, like that belonging to a midnight sky. The dust in the mirror gave his reflection stark tear tracks. 

Peter examined him, slightly terrified. He looked like a cornered wild animal pretending to be the apex predator. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

“Okay, you’re fine, I believe you,” he rushed. 

Sirius stood up straighter and wiped his face a second time, collecting stray tears. “Thank you.” 

“No problem.” 

They stood facing each other for a long time, feeling like an equal eternity for both of them as they attempted to uphold their pride. It took James calling from the living room,  _ hey, what are y’all doing up there, shagging?  _ to shake them out of their trance. Peter, tentatively, held out is arms, seemingly more to stretch them than to offer a hug, but Sirius came into them anyway. Peter, being the least comfortable with physical affection in the group, stood still, patting awkwardly when appropriate. Sirius broke abruptly when he heard James footsteps approaching. 

“I should be heading home now,” Sirius said. 

“Why would you want to go back there?” Peter asked. 

“To keep appearances. Also, I’m tired.” 

James made his way to them. “You can crash here, you know.” 

“Walburga will realise eventually that I’m not home, and we don’t want that. I have my bike, I’ll be fine.” Sirius, in fact, did not have his bike, but no one needed to know that. He pulled his hair back from his face. “You’ll send out the letters tonight, Prongs?” 

James saluted. “Got it, mate.” 

He smiled. “Then we’re good to go.” 

~

Remus Lupin loves his bike. It isn’t a motorbike like Sirius’, but a dusty green hybrid he got at a garage sale. He put band stickers on it and a velcro flashlight for the handlebars. On this bike, he has rode all through Calabria and once onto the ferry to Sicily, but that got him grounded for the rest of the summer so he’s not getting caught again. Unlike last time, he’s telling his parents he’s staying at a friends house down the road. Nothing suspicious there. 

“You sure this is going to work?” Lily crossed her arms, leaning over the rail of Remus’ front steps as he pumped up his tires. “Like, are you sure that we won’t be hit by a car on the way?” 

Remus raised his eyebrows and turned to her pointedly. “Lily, it’s only down the road and there’s barely any cars this side of town. We’ll be fine.” 

Lily’s mouth made an o, realising her mistake. “Well, then, we should get going soon, right? So we’re not… too late.” 

Remus rolled his eyes; He would need to teach Lily how to sneak around some more. “Yeah, just hop on the back and we’ll get going.” 

Lily dropped her jaw. “You want me to just ‘hop on the back?’” 

“It’s perfectly safe, Lily. I bike like that all the time.” 

Lily leaned in closer so they wouldn’t be heard by the six other people who lived in the Lupin home. (Lily was still amazed at that fact- how can so many people fit in such a small space?) “Remus John Lupin, are you telling me that, for the duration of this trip, I will be standing on the back of your bike?” 

“You’re saying that like it’s dangerous.”

“Uh, it definitely is! There will be cars, Remus!” 

“Only when we get to the ferry! Most people here walk where they need to go, it’s not that bad. If you’re that scared we can take the stretch by the water, it’s only an extra thirty minutes.” 

“Okay, let’s do that then. Where’s your helmet?” 

“Oh, we won’t need it.” 

“Jesus Christ, Remus, do you have a death wish?” 

“Fine, I’ll bring the helmets, but yours is going to have princesses on it.” 

“As long as I don’t get a concussion tonight.” 

With that, Remus and Lily were off biking down the road. Instead of taking the right turn down the main street, he took the left and pedaled downhill. Lily gripped his shoulders tightly as Remus bit back a laugh. Remus lived on the very south edge of the county, almost a coastal city if you ignored all the cliffs and hills. He took a shortcut on a street that lined against the coast. 

Lily picked up her head to watch the small town go by. “I thought you said we’re going by the beach.” 

“Well, we are, it’s just behind those buildings. You do know we’re on a cliff, right?” 

“What?!”

“Yeah, technically. It’s not a big one, but behind those houses is just a drop onto a beach.” 

Lily paused, absorbing the information. “I want to see it.” 

“Let me rephrase: it’s sand and then the ocean and there’s cliffs and sometimes birds.” 

“I stand by my point.” 

Remus shrugged and took the upcoming left turn and stopped pedaling as the path dropped. The sweet breeze of fruit mixed with salt picked up as they gathered speed and Lily leaned in closer, staring at all the houses and trees rising behind them. Remus had done this dozens of times before, so much that he lost the excitement long ago, so he focused on going as fast as he could, dodging rocks older than him and accidentally scaring birds. There were alot of birds this night, holding town meetings on mountains before two teenagers on a bike threatened them. The sun was preparing to set and was burning the ocean and, from half a mile away, left Lily in awe. 

“You live near this?” She yelled with no reason to, just the feeling that, in this setting, the opportunity naturally presents itself. “You have the Pacific Ocean in your backyard!” 

There was always something refreshing about bringing new people to Calabria. Remus didn’t do it often, but sometimes his cousins would have their Beauxbatons friends over from France and he would introduce them to the country. Something about how they saw everything Remus knows like the back of his hand as magical was almost nostalgic, in a sense. 

Remus pulled up his bike where the dirt met the sand and Lily slowly slid off him. They both faced the ocean, staring for some time. 

“Guess we’re not going to Sicily tonight,” Remus said. 

“I… think I’d rather camp here.” Lily turned around. “We did bring all the supplies.” Their original plan was to stay in a motel overnight, but they brought sleeping bags and snacks because a) Remus doesn’t trust northern Sicilian hospitality, and b) it’s more fun that way. She dropped her bag in the sand and started walking towards the water. Remus dropped the bike and started to follow her, until he felt a bucket of ice water fall on him from the sky. 

The sun was starting to set. It was halfway down the sky now.  _ When was the last full moon? _

Shit. Could it be tonight? Remus checked his pulse: on the rise.  _ Slow it down or the transformation will come quicker.  _ Well, shit, you can’t consciously slow down your own heartbeat! He tried to breathe, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Or was it the other way around? Lily was walking into the water now. She turned around and waved. 

Remus swallowed and tried to smile, taking the first step towards her. He looked behind him, to where the moon would rise, and did the quick math. 

The last full moon was June 18th. Every cycle lasts roughly twenty-eight days. But this year, the earth’s axis was off and each phase lasted a little longer. His hormonal changes start three days before, so they should be starting tomorrow. 

_ They should be starting tomorrow. _

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck- 

“Remus, come into the water!” 

Lily will still be here tomorrow. She’ll be here for all the changes. For the mood swings and cravings and- dear Merlin. Remus Lupin’s life is a shitty game show. Spin the wheel, what will go wrong today? 

Lily started walking out of the ocean, her hair now black from absorbing all the raw sea salt. 

Remus could hear the audience applause. The show had really good ratings because of all the schadenfreude. Time to pretend everything is okay now, so it doesn’t get too depressing.

“Remus? You look sick, are you okay?” 

He could see the water start to swallow the sun now behind her. The moon was behind him. He bit back a hiccup. 

“Remus, will you be okay to ride home?” 

He knows he shouldn’t be staring directly at the sun, but it’s better than what’s rising behind him. It’s better than facing the cheering audience that’s chanting for your demise. 

“Oh my- Remus, you need to breathe with me, okay? Can I hold your hand? Breathe with me, let’s count together. In, one, two- Remus, are you there? Don’t fall over- oh my God, should I get someone? Remus, breathe, please, breathe with me. I’m here, okay? It’s just us, just you and me- okay, that made that worse. I will not say that. Do you need an ambulance? Do you need help? Can you hear me? Okay, lie down here, you’ll be fine. You will be fine. You will be fine. You will be fine.” 

~

Sirius Black has found a place to stay. Admittedly, it’s not glamorous, and some may call it slightly hazardous, but at least there’s no threat that he’ll be murdered in his sleep. 

Sirius is staying in homes for sale. Some have been on the market for months, and visitors and real estate agents don’t come at night. Sleep there, spend a day or two, return to the Potters to bathe and have basic social interaction. It’s much better than his old bedroom. He could really stretch his legs now. 

He knows he should tell James and Peter what happened. He’s not that self destructive. But that will happen at it’s due time. 

~

_ TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN :D  _

_ You are invited to the CRAZIEST PARTY OF THE YEAR! Free booze, free food, free entry! We got karaoke, we got a pool, we got live music, and we got the Gryffindor spirit!  _

_ August 5-8. Potter Manor. BET YOUR ASS YOU’LL BE THERE!  _

  * __THE MARAUDERS__



  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter 10

gossip

Remus Lupin doesn’t feel like Remus Lupin anymore. He doesn’t know what he is. 

Maybe Remus Lupin is pain. Certainly that’s the main sensation he seems to be having on this blood stained cement floor. He feels his blood running down his face and he wonders if it’s possible to feel dizzy while lying down. He’s twitching: his muscles aren’t used to this much exertion, changing shape like putty. His bones aren’t used to being forced to break overnight, his joints to bend backwards and sideways, and some haven’t put themselves back together yet. Without looking, Remus knows he’s broken a rib tonight and he’ll need to be hooked up to an IV drip. His heart’s barely beating. Remus wonders if he’s dead. Maybe he’s been dead all along? 

Or Remus Lupin could be disunity. He knows- he has known for a while- that he’s not a singular being. He’s two beings that occupy the same body that belongs to the state. It’s written in the registry, it’s been stamped on his birth certificate. When he’s seventeen he’ll have to file a formal report for his illness. Remus could be two things, seperate from another. One might be a person and the other is a conscious disease. And the two will never get along because the only thing they have in common is tearing people apart. 

Remus Lupin might be annoyance. An annoyance that needed homeschooling and to be locked away from children more other’s safety. An annoyance people hunted for sport or to relieve anger or to sell furs or to Inflict God’s Justice On Wrongdoers. An annoyance that, to accept him into a school, a tree taller and wider than three homes needed to be planted. An annoyance that people picked up because it looked interesting, then dropped when they realised the commitments. An annoyance that caused thirty year old men to drink and drive broomsticks and crash into muggle traffic. It would explain a lot. 

Remus doesn’t intend to be overly self pitying. He’s just taught himself to examine things unbiased. Something about the five am sun starting to rise and blood levels dropping that clears the mind and drops tears. 

The door of the lycanthrope clinic cell opened. (They couldn’t call it the werewolf clinic because it wasn’t PC.) Two healers dressed in white picked up his pale listless body and placed him on a stretcher. They examined the bones poking out of his chest and put a mask over his face. Someone started to insert an IV before pulling him out of the cell. The halls turned gray and blue in his eyes. Someone was yelling about blood loss and another was rubbing a lotion on his skin. Remus could feel a scar start to form. Remus doesn’t know if he fell asleep or passed out. Maybe he was asleep the whole time. 

~

Remus woke up twenty nine hours later with a cut down his elbow and another one on his jaw that would turn into silver scars. A nurse was already there to check on his energy and pain levels, but they were always the same. No energy, not enough to raise his hand, and pain. Everywhere. All kinds of it. 

The nurse let him pick a band aid for the cut on his jaw. It was a small one, about the size of his middle finger, so he got a band aid instead of a long bandage, like the one on his elbow. When it would be time to change it in a few hours, he could pick the color. (He always got the blue ones.) He picked the purple band aid and the nurse put it on for him. He felt like an eighty two year old man with Alzheimer's being cared for by his wife. (And smelled like it two, because all the products in the clinic were lemon scented. Remus always wondered what would happen if an Italian werewolf was allergic to lemons.) 

_ You got an owl this morning,  _ the nurse said, holding a envelope.  _ Your mother dropped it off while you were asleep. Read it when you’re ready.  _ The nurse set it on the bedside table. 

Remus didn’t read it until six hours later because he fell asleep again.

~ 

July 29th, 1976. 7:30pm Greenwich Time, 8:30pm Central European Time. 

Lily reviewed her index card with her lines and common phrases and set the dictionary on the kitchen counter before dialing in the number. 

_ Ring…  _

_ Ring…  _

_ Ri-  _

“Ciao?” 

She took a deep breath. “Ciao, sono Lily. Posso parlare con Remus, per favore?” 

A pause. "Vuoi parlare con Remus?" the other person responded, unsure. 

Lily took a minute to mentally translate the sentence. “Sì.”  

"È molto malato, non sarà in grado di parlare." 

“...Ho bisogno di parlargli velocemente. Per favore?" 

"Solo per un minuto." The other person set the phone on the table Lily heard them call Remus with the phrase "Il tuo amico ha imparato l'italiano di base."

Remus came to the phone after an awkwardly long time that Lily used to congratulate herself on completing a five sentence conversation in Italian in six minutes. “Lily?” He said it with a weakness that made her brow furrow. 

“Remus, hi. How are you feeling?” 

“I’m good,” he lied obviously. “You?” 

“I’m missing you.” Remus said something inaudible. “What was that?” 

“Me, too.” 

Lily leaned on her kitchen counter. “You sound like you’re going to pass out.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Are you lying to me?” There was a long pause. “Okay, you obviously don’t want to talk about it, so I’ll keep going. Have you gotten the letter yet?” 

“What letter?” 

“The one about the craziest party of the year, in all caps. It was written in neon ink, it’s pretty hard to miss.” 

“Oh, yeah, I got it.” 

“Should we go?” 

“It  _ is _ the craziest party of the year, Lily. I don’t think it’s our choice anymore.” 

“Alright, Potter Manor August 5, here we come. Should we go for the whole three days?” 

“It’s three days?” 

“Yeah, I know, I’m looking at it right now.” 

“What could you do at a party that would last three days?” 

“We’ll find out.” 

“I don’t know if we should. I mean, it’s going to be a James Potter party, we might not survive the second night.” 

“Do you know what I think, Remus?” 

“What?” 

“Well, one of the things I learned in Rome with you was how to be reckless. I rode on the back of a bicycle in a street-” 

“Yes, peak danger.” 

“And I think we’ve both gone through some serious character development because of that.” 

Remus rubbed his face, preparing for what was coming next. “You sound like Potter.” 

“Yikes. I think we should go and have the night of our lives, Remus.” 

He closed his eyes. “They’re all going to be there.” 

Lily automatically knew who “they” were. “I know, hun. But that’s why we need to blow them all away, right?” 

“I’d rather stay in bed and get high and eat pasta.” 

“Remus, that has been your Friday night plan for the past sixteen years.” 

“Ouch-” 

Lily was in Inspirational Speaker Mode and was unphased by the interjection. “You’ve been telling me to let loose for the past month, Remus. Just because some gross children will be at the party doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go. They’ll have live music!” 

“It’s probably going to be them playing the kazoo in various harmonies.” 

“They’re going to try to play Fleetwood Mac, I can feel it.” 

Remus gave a small chuckle, wincing at the ache it gave him. “They’ll do Rhiannon.” 

Lily laughed. “Yeah, and James will be Stevie Nicks.” 

“Oh my  _ God.”  _ Remus put his face in his hands, shaking slightly. He tried to keep in control so his ribs won’t be on fire. 

“See? And this is why we need to go. Those boys are going to do something dumb and ridiculous and we need to be there to record and sell the video while drinking red wine and looking like Greek gods- no, Roman.” 

“Of course, go Rome.” 

“Do you want to drop by my place beforehand? I’ll do your eyeliner.” 

“Sure, I’ll be there.” 

Lily smiled. “Looking forward to it, Remus.” 

~ 

Regulus Black has connections. (Not those kind of connections, God!) Back in Hogwarts, he knew important people from all houses to make sure his image remained clean and his grades straight O’s. When he left for Durmstrang, those connections didn’t break, they just grew stronger. Hey, he’s not a Black for nothing. 

As of July 29th, 1976, his most important Hogwarts connection is Mark Stainton. Stainton is going into his seventh year at Hogwarts and is preparing to become Head Boy of the Slytherin House. Proud member of the Slug Club and prime receiver and dispenser of local gossip. Regulus and Stainton have grown a strong partnership, so of course he told Regulus exactly what was up. 

They met by the entrance of Knockturn Alley, where some Slytherin boys were meeting to practice knew dark spells. “I have something to tell you. It’s about your brother.” 

Regulus raised an eyebrow. Sirius was always a fixture of entertainment in school, but what newsworthy things could he be doing on the run? If Stainton wasn’t going to tell Regulus that his brother’s not alive? 

Stainton pulled out an envelope that was neatly cut opened. There was the Potter Manor emblem on the front, meaning there was definitely something reckless in store. He pulled out the letter, and Regulus almost started laughing at the sight- he needed to bite his cheek to prevent a grin. It was written in neon ink and practically in all caps. “Might as well send a Howler…” he said under his breath. 

“Look who sent it.” Regulus skimmed down to the bottom, looking for the signature. Instead, he found a trademark. 

_ THE MARAUDERS  _

“Oh,” he said with surprise. “They’re throwing a party… How did you get this?” 

“Friend of a friend,” said Stainton. 

Regulus nodded. “That is why we’re partners.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like my first chapter is the best out of all of them but you know what? this chapter is kinda good. hope you enjoyed :) 
> 
> join me on my tumblr: proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	6. sod off

Remus Lupin is feeling a large variety of feelings while standing three meters away from Lily Evans’ front door. A fruit basket of feelings, if you will. A wonderful flower arrangement. (Making metaphors distracts him from walking up the front steps.) 

The Evans’ home is a quaint two-story, almost a cottage. The door is crisp white and appears to be freshly painted and matches the still curtains. A robin family was sitting by the window peacefully but flew away in alarm when Lily swung open the door. 

Remus blinked and took a step back. “Hi.” 

Lily ran up to him, leaving the door behind her open. “I saw you from the window.” She wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug, her bracelets clinging together. “It’s so great to see you, how are you feeling?” 

“I’m good, nice bracelets.” 

“Oh, these?” She fiddled with them. They were silver with small charms across them. “I got them for the occasion.” 

“Oh, and who are you trying to impress?” 

“Everyone and no one,” Lily smirked and grabbed Remus’ arm, pulling him inside. “I got you some, too.” 

“You didn’t have to-” 

“I wanted to because we need to be the best looking ones there, right?” She pulled him into the living room and up the stairs to her bedroom. It was neat except for the mix of outfits laid out on her bed; A mixture of dresses, flowy pants, and crop tops that made him question the Lily he knew. 

“Wow. It’s like… it’s like I’m seeing a whole new side of you.” He picked up a blouse. “Why don’t you ever wear things like this?”

“Oh, hun, I wish I could but Hogwarts has uniforms. It’s the worst thing about it.” Lily took the shirt back and held it up against her in the mirror. “I’ve actually got most of this stuff from charity shops and hand-me-downs, and then I fixed them up. I got this shirt for seven pounds and then cut it.”

“Oh, damn.” Remus mentally reviewed his wardrobe that was also second hand and asked himself why he still dressed like a thirty-three-year-old Defense professor. 

“It’s a skill. You have to look for a long time then sew for longer, but then you get to go to parties and go, ‘Oh, Jack! I didn’t see you there! Oh, it’s James? I’m-” she threw her hair back- “so sorry, I must have forgotten. You see, I was too busy recently being better than you to remember your name.’” 

“Oh, wow, okay Lily-”  

Lily laughed and grabbed his shoulder. “I’m just joking. But really, dressing up is fun. Is that what you’re wearing? Not to be rude or anything.”  

Remus blinked. He was wearing what he would usually wear everyday, jeans and a t-shirt. After all, it was just a party for drunk teenagers. “Um, yeah?” 

“And that’s why I’m here.” Lily picked up a shirt from under the pile and tossed it to him. It was a dark blue ribbed shirt with yellow detailing. 

“Um, okay.” 

“I thought of you when I saw it.” 

He looked it over a second time. “...Why?” 

“Because you’ll look hot while retaining your identity and modesty. Also, the detailing brings out your eyes. Tuck it into your jeans and I’ll get you a belt. Still want me to do your eyeliner?” Lily walked into her closet, pushing through hangers. 

Remus stared at the shirt in his hands, imagining himself in it. Imagining himself at the party, red solo cup in hand, loud music and jostling teenagers around him, and Sirius staring at him. Sirius staring dumbfounded at him. Remus walking past Sirius without making eye contact. Having Sirius near him agai- 

Lily was right. This night is going to be fantastic. 

~

Sirius Black stood by the front door at ten fifty-three, August 5th, next to a table with the spiked punch. People were starting to drift in, and Sirius was giving them cups and telling them to go to the backyard. He volunteered for this not because of the thrill of standing by a door and waiting, but to watch. 

Sirius Black is looking for Remus Lupin and he knows it. He doesn’t care that James gave him That Look when he volunteered, this is something he needs to do. He doesn’t know what he’ll be doing exactly when Remus walks in, but so far in Sirius’ sixteen years of life he’s been winging it so this can’t go that wrong, right? 

The doorbell rang and Sirius, being the wonderful dog that he is, swung it open before the bell had stopped. 

It wasn’t Remus. It wasn’t even Evans. It was Frank Longbottom. “Hey, Frank.” 

Frank looked around the manor like he hadn’t been there fifteen times when he was younger. “This is the party, right? Am I late?” 

Sirius closed his eyes. “Right on time, Frank. You can head to the backyard unless you want a drink.” He began to close the door but someone stuck their foot in the doorway. 

Lily Evans, all 180 centimeters of her, was standing in the Potter Manor doorway. What a day! 

“Lily Evans! What a pleasure-” 

“Excuse me, Black.” Lily pushed through the door and stood in the center of the main room. “Quite a party.” 

“It’s in the backyard, ma’am, just this way-” Sirius grabbed her elbow to escort her through like the lady she is (and partly to annoy James) until she harshly pulled away. 

“Don’t touch me-” 

“Lily?” Now Remus Lupin was standing in the Potter Manor doorway. It has truly become a magical doorway. “Lily, what’s-” He noticed Sirius and acted like he was surprised to see him, even though Sirius signed the invitation. 

Remus was… Remus. And that’s all Sirius has to say. Nothing had seemed to change about him except for the eyeliner Lily obviously did for him. Other than that, Sirius could still feel his temperature rise and his lips twitch up when Remus was around. That reaction never seemed to change. He had the same reaction in his fourth year when he would pick up Remus from the hospital wing in fourth year, when his eye sockets were violet and his voice a little raspy but his eyes still pools of sunlight and his words still sweet and smooth. He had the same reaction in the Christmas holidays of fifth year, when Remus explained to him the plot of The Hobbit late in his bed, the curtains drawn and his breath smelling like chocolate and Sirius getting a feverish high. He had the same reaction on Remus’ sixteenth birthday, staying up with him until midnight on a school night just to shove a cake in his face and give him too many birthday punches. Looking back on it, maybe Sirius was just like this all the time. He took a sip of his drink, hoping the bitter Firewhiskey would stop his mind from wandering to those places when, dear Merlin, the muse was right in front of him. 

Lily put her hand on Remus’ back and pushed him out of the hall, towards the backyard. She gave Sirius a look that made him wonder what James saw in her. (All Sirius saw right then and there was someone to punch in the face.) Remus didn’t turn around and Sirius went outside to pour his drink in the bushes. After two minutes of standing outside in the cool air, someone kicked open the door and swung it into his face. 

_ “Ow!”  _

“Sirius? Oi, sorry, mate-” James slammed the door shut with the same amount of force, showing that he was not at all sorry and was saying it for the convenience of the moment. “You know who just walked in?” 

“Prongs, I’m manning the door.” 

“Did you see Moony?” 

Sirius rolled his eyes, anticipating the upcoming conversation. “No, he slipped right by me.” 

James punched him in the shoulder with a grin. “So you did?” Sirius bit the inside of his cheek but James could still see the smile. “He was wearing  _ eyeliner.”  _

“I saw.” 

“It looks good on him, yeah?” 

“Sounds like you want to shag him.” 

“Only one person here wants to shag Moony and it’s not me.” 

“Are you just here to make fun of me now? Because I have people to greet-” 

“Oh, just come inside already.” James grabbed Sirius’ shoulder and pushed him inside to the backyard. The place was already reasonably full, with groups of teenagers and some young adults mingling around the snack tables with red solo cups, no one brave enough to jump into the pool yet. Sirius was ushered onto the deck and planted by the snack table, opposite of Lily and Remus. It was all done so fast that he wondered how James spotted them this quickly.

“Remus! Lily! How’s your summer-” 

Lily lowered her drink that seemed to be untouched. “What’s going on, Potter?” 

James grinned, seeming to anticipate and enjoy this question. “Just checking up on some friends.” Though a small gesture, Sirius could see Remus lower his gaze and raise his drink to protect himself. “How’s your summer been, Remus?” James repeated, jumping back in without alarm. 

Remus raised his eyes to match and swirled his drink like he was a pureblood wife in the twenties drinking wine. “I’ve been… productive.” 

“Productive?” James was acting extra golden-retriever today. “How so?” 

Remus tilted his head as if talking to a toddler that particularly annoyed him. “I’m afraid you don’t have the brain density to comprehend. You might explode.” 

A comment like that should have sent Sirius off the walls.  _ He comes to our party and talks to us like  _ that? But Sirius laughed. A whole, one hundred percent laugh that rose quickly to his shoulders and made itself heard before quieting down. James looked at him out of the corner of his eye but Sirius couldn’t see because he was staring at Remus’ lips, how they were slightly open and stained by the drink. The golden rims of his eyes seemed to pool out of the eyeliner and the poolside lights in the dark made him glow. Sirius blinked and did a double take between him and James.  _ Moonys still got it.  _

James shook off the comment and patted him on the shoulder. Remus stared at his hand like it was a nuclear object and he couldn’t move without getting shot. “I’m glad to see you here.” 

“I’m glad to see you manhandling my friend,” Lily interjected. James dispatched himself and laughed confusedly. 

“It’s not manhandling-” 

“Don’t you have other guests to attend to?” Sirius turned around to see the various people pouring into the yard and suddenly heard the voices echoing through the manor. The volume was suddenly on one hundred percent when, to Sirius, it was on mute just two seconds before. When he turned back around, Lily was escorting Remus away, towards somewhere unknown. 

~

Remus Lupin was the first in his year to start using weed. During the winter holidays, his older cousins and their sketchy friends thought it would be fun to show a thirteen-year-old how to use a bong. Three months later, by the time he turned fourteen, he was rolling joints in Gryffindor parties while James Potter stood stunned and mumbling  _ it’s always your closest friends that pressure you into hard drugs.  _ Sure, it might make him a stoner, but at least when he’s high he doesn’t have to worry about Sirius Black staring at him from across James Potter’s pool at thirty minutes to midnight with probably two hundred people around.

Merlin, what has his life come to? 

He rolled a joint and took a long puff while Lily stood by twirling hers, his head immediately becoming lighter and everything a little more lovely and tinted rose. 

Lily made a small gasp and grabbed Remus’ shoulder, turning him to face the deck in front of the pool. “Oh my gosh, Re, look-” 

Remus was staring at the Hufflepuff head boy who graduated last year, now a Quidditch player who he always thought was especially fit. Rich Mercia had thrown off his shirt for the awe of the fourth year girls who somehow snuck in. “Okay, everybody, watch out!” he yelled as he threw himself into the pool, releasing a splash that struck everyone around the perimeter. The water was freezing, an electric shock, and left Remus and Lily gasping and wide-eyed.

The crowd yelled and cheered, others throwing aside their drinks and clothes and following Rich’s lead. A blanket of noise covered them all as the sounds of drunk and wet teenagers mixed with the rock and roll music blasting through the stereos.

“That… was a fast change,” Remus observed. Out of nowhere, James was running towards them with pool noodles in his hands, throwing them in with cheers of laughter and applause. “And it keeps getting better.”

“Hey, guys!” He yelled as he met up with them. “You’re going in, yeah?” 

“Of course not,” Lily said, slightly disgusted. 

Remus took a second puff from his joint. “Sod off.” 

“C’mon, why not? It’s fun, everybody’s in!” James grabbed his wrist and pulled, causing Remus to lock his knees and pull away. 

“Again with the manhandling, Potter? We don’t want to go in,” said Lily. James looked like a hurt puppy but quickly reverted back to optimism. 

“Okay, then. Moony, can I have a minute? I promise no manhandling.” 

Remus winced and the old nickname and squeezed his joint a little tighter. “Why?” 

A wrinkle appeared on his forehead. “Just to catch up, yeah?” 

“I’ll come with, then-” Lily said.

“Uh, no. Sorry, Lily, you know I love you, but this needs to be one-on-one bro time, yeah?”

“Anything you can say to me you can say to Lily.” Remus crossed his arms. Weed makes him confident. 

James cocked his head. “I don’t know, mate-” 

“Then we’re not talking.” 

“Please-” 

“No. Besides, who else would blow up the pool toys without you? Come on, Lily, let’s go.” Remus turned and marched in the opposite direction, Lily laughing and following suit. 

“Oh my gosh, Re! I can’t believe you just did that!” Lily said as they ran back inside, slamming the glass door behind them and standing in the living room, protected from all the racket outside. 

“Oh my God, I feel great. I feel fantastic. I could slap him right now, oh my God.” Remus led Lily through the Potter manor, his feet guiding him through the home he’d spent so many days and nights. They walked with no destination except to blow off steam but with enough purpose to scare a train out of their way. 

“I didn’t know you could be so petty!” She cackled, the noise ricochetting through the rounded hall. “What did he do to get you so pressed anyway?” 

“Exist, that’s what he did!” 

“Oh my gosh, Remus!” Lily slapped him upside the head, and they both fell into the wall laughing. The combination of marijuana, pettiness, and a deep bass still pounding through the building made them giddy. “No, really! You never told me.” She slumped down to sit on the deep blue carpet and pulled on his pant leg so he’d sit. “Don’t keep secrets.” 

Remus sat next to her and crossed his legs, staring down the staircase. “It’s a long story.” 

“Yeah, and the plot of The Hobbit is a long story but you told me anyway today,” she giggled. 

“But that’s different.” 

“Is it though?” Lily suddenly quieted down. “I know it’s a big deal, but you refuse to talk about it.” She scooted closer and wrapped her arm around him. “I’m  _ here.”  _

Remus felt a blush creeping across his face as his mind scrambled for an explanation. “You’re high.” 

“So are you, dummy.” 

“Okay, okay.” He pulled his knees to his chest for an extra two seconds of prepare time. “I got fed up of how they were treating everyone all the time. Like, they would just hate on people from different houses and different years, and they would play pranks just to make other’s days harder. I couldn’t take it anymore and I lashed out.” The guilt of lying immediately hit him in the chest, but it was easier than the suffocation of telling the truth. 

“I never thought of them like that.” 

“You haven’t dormed with them for five years.” Remus put his head in his hands. “Oh dear God, I’m going to have to dorm with them again. I’ll have to sleep in a room with those three wankers for ten more months.” 

“I’m praying for you, Re. I get it.” Lily pulled him tighter, having an intimate moment before they were interrupted by five drunk Ravenclaws stumbling up the stairs. 

“Oh, shit!” One of them yelled. “Are you making out up here?” Lily and Remus just laughed. 

“Mate, do you have  _ eyes?”  _ Another cackled. 

_ “Sod off, Rachel!”  _ The first one replied. They turned to Remus and Lily and wave an empty bottle of Firewhiskey that they probably all drank. “We’re about to play spin the bottle, wanna join?” 

Remus raised an eyebrow at Lily and stood. “Of course.” After all, he was wearing eyeliner for a reason. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> join me on my tumblr: proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	7. speechless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU ALREADY FUCKING KNOW

Marlene McKinnon, a sixth year Ravenclaw, set the bottle in the center of the group of seven drunk and high underage teenagers. No lights were on except for those in the room below, which made the game they were about to play even more intimidating and arousing, most giggling before anyone had touched the empty glass bottle. 

"So." Marlene drew out the vowel and raised her eyebrow, the sound too quiet to reach beyond the circle. "Who will be going first tonight?"

Eyes darted across, people nudging their friends and some strategically looking down. Remus took a puff out of the joint passed to him, feeling colors grow softer as the smoke left his mouth before passing it along. He bit his tongue, absorbing the flavor before turning to Lily to his left. 

"Lily wants to go." Someone ooh-ed across the circle, but she just returned Remus' smile, raising her chin to him. 

"I do now?" 

He smiled. She was going to kick his ass for this. "Yeah, Lily is feeling quite adventurous today," he announced.

Lily chuckled and spun the bottle without further invitation. Five spins counter-clockwise, in which it moved slightly to the left. On the fifth-and-a-half rotation, it slowed to a crawl that passed Marlene, Remus, Thomas, and Rachel, until it reached- 

"Britany Wong." A girl four people away stuck out her hand for a formal shake, making herself known as the only sober one present. "I'm not gay, but anything goes here." 

"Anything goes at the party of the century," Marlene muttered, eliciting a laugh from the crowd. 

Lily leaned forward on her elbows waiting for Britany, who rolled her eyes to peck her on the lips. They were met with whoops from the crowd and a hug from Remus to Lily. "Okay, who's next? Are we going clockwise, or?" 

"Clockwise, clockwise, that's how we play," said Thomas, the first Ravenclaw boy who invited Remus and Lily to the game. "So Marlene, it's your turn." 

"About time!" She rubbed her hands together and spun the bottle quickly, making a sharp noise as it swirled across the hardwood floor as fast as Remus' heartbeat. All of them were so focused on the game that they didn't notice the two pairs of footsteps coming up the stairs. 

Peter Pettigrew, in all his 165-centimeter, chlorine smelling glory, popped his head above the banister to see the group and immediately went down another two steps without being seen. After The Horrible And Never Again To Be Mentioned Incident Of February 14th, 1972, Peter had grown a phobia of spin the bottle games. And bottles. And Ravenclaws. As the name implies, it is never again to be spoken. Sirius Black, however, was behind him and did not appreciate running into Peter's 165 centimeters, and his "What the fuck, Wormtail," was heard by the group. Remus, of course, identified it immediately and not even all the weed in his system could calm down the feeling he was getting. 

Sirius, the speed runner, came up the stairs first to see them sitting cross-legged like children waiting to be read to. 

"Sirius Black?" Marlene said, momentarily raising her eyes from the bottle that had just landed to Remus. (Remus definitely noticed.) "What a surprise! Care to join us?" Sirius upheld quite the reputation by the Ravenclaws as a necessary component of a good time; Most birds held him in higher esteem than the Gryffindors, while the rest saw him as a vile hermit who was sent to destroy their education. This led to quite a reaction at Ravenclaw-Gryffindor functions. 

Peter, visibly about to wet himself, made a series of noises before forming a coherent statement. (It should be noted that Marlene McKinnon was present at The Horrible And Never Again To Be Mentioned Incident Of February 14th, 1972 and played a very significant role.) "Me and Sirius were looking for some towels from the closet over here, right Sirius?" 

"Can you spare a second to-" Marlene waved her hand over the bottle- "spin the bottle?" It was at this moment Sirius noticed who, exactly, the bottle pointed to. Sirius suddenly appeared to have a chocolate frog stuck in his throat that was struggling to get out. 

"We really need those towels. Like, a lot of towels." Peter pantomimed carrying a towel. Remus realized at that moment Peter was made for the theatre, as he laughed a little too loudly and Lily had to pat him on the back to shut him up. 

"Do you need two people for that?" Lily asked. 

"Yes." 

"And you can't use a drying charm?" Marlene added, turning Peter red. 

"Well, uh, we tried, but I'm really bad at charms. And everyone's drunk, so… That doesn't work out too well, now, does it?" 

Marlene smirked, recalling The Incident, but Sirius said something before she could open her mouth to taunt. "Pete, I'm sure you can handle it on your own." He sat down with ease and Remus could smell his cologne across the circle as everyone made room. "I'll play a round." Peter took this as his opportunity to leave to find the towels, which he definitely did not know where they are. 

"Yay!" Squealed Marlene. "You can just spin the-" 

Thomas slapped her hand next to her. "Um, Marlene? You forgetting something?" Thomas pointed to Remus, who started to chew his lip. 

"Oh, oh, right. It was my turn." Marlene licked her lips and leaned over to grab his shirt. "Ready?" 

Remus flushed at the quickness of it all and found himself accidentally glancing at Sirius. Sirius was staring agape at him, mirroring his feelings, but his amazement made Remus feel...good, almost. Excited for what he was about to do. "Yeah, I'm-" 

Marlene pressed her lips onto his without waiting for him to finish, causing him to let out a muffled sound of alarm that caused the rest of them to laugh. She was a good kisser, using lots of tongue and pulling Remus closer so he had to grab onto her waist and kiss back. Remus was the first to pull away, greeted by so much cheering he forgot there were only seven people in the group. Marlene winked at him and pulled back, unabashedly looking towards Sirius. 

Sirius was staring at the floor, sucking in his cheeks so that his cheekbones popped like a starved prisoner's. He was staring at the floor but looked up to meet Marlene and summoned a nauseous smile absent of the Black charm. Remus pulled at his shirt collar and accidentally met Sirius' eyes. When has he ever looked like that before…? Remus couldn't place it. 

Lily cleared her throat loudly, staring pointedly at Sirius. (Was he in a spotlight or something? Everyone seemed to be staring at him today.) She seemed almost amused until she looked at Remus with the same expression. "I believe it's time someone else spins the bottle now." 

Remus shook his head to get out of this strange funk. "Someone pass me the joint…" 

"Sirius, since you can only be here so long, why don't you spin?" Marlene said. 

It took Sirius a moment to return to earth. "No thanks, I'll wait for my turn. Thomas, it's you." 

Thomas' round went by quickly, then Rachel's, until it was time for Sirius to give it a spin. Regaining his confidence, he did two warm-ups before releasing the bottle. This time, there was no laughter or noise: even Remus was waiting to see who Sirius Black had to kiss. Sirius Black, the cocky piece of shit, had managed to make the strongest spin yet, spinning eleven times before landing on- 

"Lily Evans!" 

Lily slapped the floor as if to curse the gods as Remus and the rest of them cheered. "Don't sound so happy, Black!" She jumped off the ground, in the largest shock of her life. 

Remus thought this was the funniest shit to ever exist. He was going to tell this story at Lily's wedding and he's going to laugh just as hard as he is now. He grabbed Lily's wrist despite her efforts to dismantle Sirius' perfectly symmetrical face with the sole of her boot alone. "Lily, oh my God, I'm so jealous of you, you get to kiss  _ Sirius Black!"  _

Lily pulled him up as he wheezed. "Do I need to kill you, too? How high are you right now, Remus?" 

"Oh, I'm  _ so high-"  _

"Sit down!" Lily crossed her arms and stared at Sirius, who was staring at Remus, who was staring at Lily. "Well?" She had to nudge Sirius with her boot a little too harshly to get his attention. 

"Hm?" 

"I don't know about you, Black, but I play fair, so we need to kiss." 

Sirius stood up and brushed himself off nonchalantly. "Of course, Evans, I've been looking forward to it all my life." 

"Aren't you gay, Sirius?" 

"Not now, Thomas!" Sirius grinned and went to caress Lily's face but she slapped it away. 

"Let's get this over with." Lily quickly pecked Sirius on the lips to great applause then whispered something to him that made blood creep up his neck. They both pointedly looked away from the group. 

Remus blinked.  _ Well, that was fast.  _ He looked around: everyone seemed to be laughing and moving on as someone else spun the bottle. Sirius wasn't looking at him anymore. That was good, he shouldn't be! 

Lily sat next to him, and Remus quickly turned to her. "Did you say anything to him?" 

She smiled. "No, why?" 

Remus ignored the question. "You… really kissed him, didn't you?" 

She seemed to be very amused by this interaction. "It was just a peck Re. Jealous?" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Don't worry, I'm just teasing. Are you feeling okay?" 

"I'm feeling fine. I'm feeling fantastic, actually…" His gaze turned to Sirius like a magnet. He was currently in the middle of putting his hair in a bun, pulling back all the strands from behind his neck. "Merlin, doesn't he have something better to do? Who invited him here, anyway?" He might have overheard because Sirius looked over- maybe by accident, maybe not- and Remus could see how he strategically pulled out certain strands to frame his face. It raised your eyes to look at his, but all Remus wanted to look at was his hands. 

Lily stood up slowly and held out her hand for Remus. "Re and I are going to get some food, we'll be back." 

He stood and followed her, stumbling after sitting on a hard floor for thirty minutes. "I'm fine, really-" 

"Well, I'm starving. I heard they ordered pizza."

Sirius stood up. "We did. We got pepperoni, cheese, and vegetarian. I'll come with you." 

"You really do not need to do that, Black," Lily stated. "We can find our way." 

Lily and Remus made their way down the stairs towards the living room, where people had gravitated to dance and drink after marinating themselves in the backyard pool, leaving Sirius to the mob.  Remus poured himself some fruit punch into a red solo cup and focused on drinking, instead of the hundreds of bodies around him. 

Lily picked up two paper plates. "What would you like, Re?" 

He finished his drink and poured himself some more. "Anything. I'm going to the bathroom real quick, I'll be right back." 

"Do you know where it is?"

"I'll be fine." 

~

After two weeks in Italy, British chain pizza wasn't cutting it for Lily Evans anymore. She wondered if this pepperoni slice actually tasted like wet cardboard or if her taste buds had changed to only tolerate fresh mozzarella over peppers and garlic. She was truly an Italian soul now. 

Lily pushed her way through the crowd and the thick rock music shaking the floor- she wondered if they'd gotten any noise complaints so far. Through a maze of crossfaded teenagers, she noticed a short hallway and followed it into the kitchen, somewhere she knew she wasn't supposed to be. 

The pulsing music immediately dulled as she shut the door behind her, insulating and sealing the room. She looked around, tentative to take more steps inside. At the last muggle house party she attended, someone had broken into the master bedroom and stole a bunch of things: makeup, laundry, an encyclopedia- anything a drunk person would take in a moment of addled adrenaline. If anything were to happen in this kitchen tonight, she was the prime suspect.

The room was shaped like a dining room with a long center island and a marble countertop. The curtains and other decorations were all warm colors and small candles were scattered across the room. A small, framed family picture adorned the space between two windows, large enough for someone to see Lily's whole body from outside. Mr. and Mrs. Potter stood on a front porch that was surrounded by trees, obviously not belonging to the Potter Manor. An older couple stood behind them with the same ears as Mr. Potter, next to a second couple holding three small children. James stood in the center between his parents and they were all waving to the camera. 

Someone had left a box of cereal on the counter. Lily picked it up and opened cabinets looking for a bowl and some milk. She felt a twinge of guilt in her stomach, but she was very high and very hungry and decided that, if she washed the dishes and put everything back, they wouldn't notice. 

Lily picked a blue bowl with swirling flowers, hoping it wasn't a prized family heirloom worth millions of dollars, and began to pour sugar cereal into it until someone grabbed her shoulder. 

She jumped, accidentally throwing the box of cereal onto the island as the pieces scattered. 

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry-"

"My bad, my bad!" Sirius picked up the cereal box with the same excitement, sweeping up the spilled cereal into his hand. "It's fine." He tossed the cereal into the trash can across the room and turned to face her. He swiped cereal crumbs off the counter to keep his hands busy. 

Lily regained her composure and crossed her arms. "Were you following me?"

"I need to talk to you." 

"Why?" 

He kept his gaze on the marble. "You know why."

She sighed. "You didn't answer the question, but okay. What do I need to talk to you about?" 

Sirius rolled his eyes. He seemed to desperately need to talk about this, but too stubborn to start the conversation. "About what you said upstairs."

Lily definitely knew what she said. "I said a lot of things tonight, you need to be more specific." 

He threw his arms up, at a loss. "I wasn't staring at Remus tonight. You just thought you saw me stare at him, but you're wrong." 

She smirked and leaned her back against the counter, getting comfortable for the conversation. "I have very good eyesight, Black, and I saw what I saw. You were gawking-" 

"I wasn't gawking-" 

"Gazing? Admiring?" Lily toyed with the words, watching Sirius begin to blush with each new adjective. Was this the first time she'd seen him blush? "Mooning, maybe?" 

"Jesus Christ, I'm not in love with the bloke." Sirius tugged on his hair. Lily was learning a lot about him today. 

"Look, I'll leave you to figure out your feelings for Remus, platonic or not." She shook her head, making to leave. "I'm not even supposed to be talking to you right now." 

"Why not?" Sirius asked, following her. 

"Because I'm a good friend, Black, and I don't talk to people my best friend has a vendetta against. A rightful vendetta." 

Sirius blinked and stopped dead. "Did he tell you what happened?" 

She turned around, pulling away despite never being touched. "As a matter of fact, he did. And you fawning over him all night won't change his mind-" 

Sirius grabbed her shoulder for a second time, harder than before so she couldn't pull away as fast. He was shocked- no, concerned. He gripped her like she was a toddler who would run away at any moment, but she knew he wasn't being protective of her at this moment. "He  _ told you?  _ He told you  _ everything?" _

Lily swallowed. She felt compelled to ask for an attorney. "Well, yes?" 

Sirius held onto her tighter, this time with both hands. His face had become unreadable but the way he was biting his lip told Lily everything she needed to know. "I swear to God, if you do anything to hurt Remus you won't see the day you turn twenty." 

"Sirius, what the  _ fuck?"  _ Lily pushed him off and bumped into the counter, knocking something to the ground but she couldn't break eye contact to pick it up. Sirius dropped his arms but remained where he stood, unapologetic. The party still went on outside, kids probably grinding on each other in purple light. Remus was out here, but Lily was in the Potter kitchen in a staring contest with Sirius Black that she wasn't going to lose. Gryffindor spirit, after all. 

Lily raised her arm to put a barrier between them. "I'm his best friend, I would never hurt him." 

"I am too!" Lily had never seen Sirius this tense. 

Lily paused and stared at him. Suddenly, she was finding it harder to believe Remus' story. Of course, it was rough around the edges to begin with… but by how much? So much that Sirius Black was threatening to kill her if she told? Her brain felt like it was being scrambled- she couldn't do this much high. All she knew was that something wasn't adding up about this story. 

And something wasn't adding up about Sirius. 

Lily swallowed and let her arm down. "Sirius, I… Is there something you're not telling me? Listen, all I know is that he went off because you three were being bullies, I swear. Is there…" She licked her lips, staring at the hardwood floor, perfectly clean and shining. "Is there something I don't know?" 

Sirius bit his lip and leaned his back against the counter. "That's all you know?"

"I promise." 

Sirius breathed, putting his face in his hands. "You're fine, it's okay. He told you the truth."

"I'm starting to think otherwise." 

"I thought you shouldn't be talking to me, Evans?" he said, exasperated. 

"Woah, okay, we did not go through all  _ that  _ for you to just shoo me out. I'm staying and I'm talking to you." Lily crossed her arms again and stood right next to Sirius, cornering him against the counter. She was close enough to smell the coconut oil he put in his hair. He played indifferent. 

"You really care about him, huh?" 

Sirius flushed immediately-  _ well, that was easy.  _ "Oh, sod off. This isn't a romantic comedy." 

Lily laughed. "Oh! I never mentioned romance-" 

He pushed himself away and made towards the door. "There you go again! This isn't your business." 

Lily ran in front of him and blocked the doorway, willingly shutting them in. "I'm making it mine now."

Sirius looked like he was about to blow, but Lily could make out a small smile anyway. "Okay, fine, okay! I care about him, I like him, happy? I have a crush on Remus John Lupin, tell the whole world!" 

Lily laughed, surprised, although she didn't have a plan for this far. Honestly, she didn't expect him to say yes so quickly. She didn't expect him to actually tell her. 

"Are you surprised?" he asked, almost flustered but in a very Sirius Black way. 

"...A little, yeah." 

"I can see. Stop laughing." 

Lily put her head in her hands, still giggling. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, this is too great." She breathed in, trying to compose herself, before looking up to Sirius again. "You really care about him, huh?" 

Sirius wasn't blushing anymore. He was confident in his answer and replied without hesitation, with full eye contact. "So much." 

Remus was probably looking for her somewhere. Lily had been in here for a good ten minutes now, at least. And she was still hungry. "Remus would be glad to hear that." 

Sirius scoffed. "I don't know about that." 

"Yes, but do we ever know anything for sure? Isn't everything we know about other people educated guesses or assumptions?" 

"Damn, Evans, don't get too philosophical on me." 

Lily smiled. "You've thrown a very interesting party, Black." 

~

Remus moved through the edges of the crowd, avoiding horny couples who couldn't find an empty bedroom (or were too drunk to do so) and entered the hall under the stairs. The bathroom would be the second door on the right, next to the door to the basement and across from the guest room. The first time he tried to go, there was already someone in there. (Well, more like two people. Party of the century, after all.) But Remus was restless and his high was wearing off (who let Ravenclaws roll the joint?) and he needed to move and he needed to be alone. 

He wandered outside, sneaking past everyone and out the front door and under the night sky and cool breeze. There was a half moon tonight surrounded by stars for company. He could find the Taurus constellation vaguely, but it also could have been a random cluster or stars, or even satellites. James was the Divination one. Remus was at peace. 

Until suddenly he heard footsteps. 

Remus jumped sharply, a bit of punch jumping out of the cup and hitting the grass. Sirius stepped back, hands up. 

"What are you doing," he deadpanned. 

"Hi, Remus-" 

"What. Are you doing." 

Sirius approached Remus again so they were about a foot apart instead of five. "I wanted to talk to you." Remus didn't reply. "Have you been getting my letters?" 

Remus bit the inside of his cheek. The answer was yes, of course, but he wasn't going to say that. He opted to be silent. 

"I get it if you don't want to talk to me-" 

"Right on the nose. I really don't want to talk to you." He felt his palms start to sweat and squeezed his cup harder, the punch level closing the distance. 

"I get it."  Sirius stayed where he was, staring at Remus in a way that made his face burn. 

Sirius Black, standing a foot away from him. When had that happened last? 

Remus got every single one of Sirius' letters. He read every single one. Most were just a sentence or two, but they were still letters. And here was the person who put the pen to paper, who wanted to write to him, who was standing one foot away from him. 

Sirius Black, in his 180 centimeter, gray eyed glory. With his thick black hair in a messy bun, red lips and too high cheekbones and too neat eyebrows. With his quick wit and immature humor and loyalty and reckless behavior. With all the times he made Remus laugh and all the times he held him when he cried. With all that, Remus still threw his drink at him. 

Remus John Lupin threw a cup of fruit punch at Sirius Orion Black's face. 

Sirius Orion Black is now gasping, wiping it away from his eyes, off his too long eyelashes, his shirt sticking to his chest. His arms are up in surrender.

Remus John Lupin still has his arm outstretched, drops of fruit punch still falling out. 

Sirius Orion Black is looking at Remus John Lupin, face still wet and skin still glowing, and,  _ God, throwing my drink didn't help at all.  _ Sirius is staring at Remus, shocked, floored, speechless-  _ hah, I rendered Sirius Black speechless…  _

Remus John Lupin is speechless. 

"I'll leave you alone…" Sirius whispers. Remus breaks. 

Sirius turns to leave and Remus finally puts his arm down and feels the blood rush back into it. He deserves to have fruit punch all over him right now. Instead, all he has is an empty red solo cup. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the hardest i've worked on any chapter yet!!!! oh boy!!! 
> 
> join me on my tumblr: proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	8. delusional

Remus Lupin pushed through the door of the Potter Manor for the second time that night like a firefighter rushing out of a burning building. He was pushing through clay while everything around him was moving so fast, blurring into a tornado as he drove himself through the crowd and to the bathroom. He pounded on the door once he got there, his ankle slightly twisted and a line of sweat dripping onto his neck. It didn't take long for the door to open- bang anything loud enough, you're sure to get results. 

The couple inside opened the door an inch, which Remus used to push open and announce the location of the two master bedrooms upstairs, don't get lost. He knew he was being overly rude, but he had the right to be in the state he was in. It's terrible, but it also isn't in his complete control. 

He splashed some water on his face, the makeup sliding down like the punch dripping off Sirius at this very moment. Remus gagged, the brightest stars swimming before his eyes. 

What has become of Remus John Lupin? 

He sat on the toilet, rubbing his eyes for comfort, as if this action would make all his feelings go away. Rubbing hard enough will kill the butterflies in his stomach and the heat wave in his chest. 

Remus John Lupin the monster, Remus John Lupin the homo, Remus John Lupin the  _ werewolf-  _ yeah, you really thought he wasn't going to say it throughout this whole story? Remus Lupin is a werewolf! A werewolf! A werewolf! A hideous, ravenous, monstrous, dangerous, vicious werewolf who should stay away from James Potter and Lily Evans and Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black. 

He needs to stay away from Sirius Black. After all Remus has done, it was the least he could do. Stay away even if it means his heart will break into a million pieces everyday and  _ oh dear God I'm turning into such a sap, someone just shoot me now and get it over and done.  _

~

James Potter should not be laughing. This is a serious moment that needs to be taken seriously. Even if Sirius Black is standing right in front of him, stained bright red. 

James squeezes his eyes shut, hoping it will calm down his excessive mirth. He knows it's time to be a good friend, but it's so hard when Sirius is standing right there looking like a berry farm after a flood. 

"Padfoot, mate," he begins, shaking from the giggles. "Let's get you cleaned up, yeah?"

Sirius doesn't answer, just sits down on James' bed as he picks out clothes from his wardrobe. 

"Okay, I'm sure all this will fit you, but you gotta walk around in your classic Sirius Black style, yeah? I don't know which shirt to give you, I don't want it to come back with more punch, yeah-?" He turned around and Sirius was looking down with his hand over his eyes. James winced- didn't need to be an expert to know what that meant. 

"Sorry mate, you okay? That was insensitive, I'm sorry, mate." James sat down next to Sirius and wrapped his arm around the other, who was unresponsive. Sometimes, during moments like this, Sirius could turn into a statue, stuck in one expression or emotion. That meant this party was going great, then… 

Sirius wiped his face quickly in an effort to hide it from his best mate, and looked up to him. "I've lost everything, James." 

James felt his eyes start to burn and smiled like he should. "No, mate, no you haven-" 

"Yes, I have. I 've lost everything." 

Peter, silent thus far, got up from the bean bag chair in the corner and sat on Sirius' other side, mirroring James. "This has gone way too far," he sighed. 

"Just give up. He doesn't want us anymore, are you blind?" 

"Yes he does, he's just hurt-" 

"Because of me-"

James slapped Sirius upside the head. "Let me finish, you wanker. He does care about you, he's just hurting right now." He rubbed circles into Sirius' back as the other started to relax and openly sob. Peter pulled away an inch but James pulled him back in. 

"Jeez, stop being a girl, Padfoot," Peter said. "Someone just needs to slap some sense into Remus. Lock you two in a closet or something."

James nodded and continued cuddling the increasingly reluctant Sirius, until suddenly he had a very terrible idea that Remus would slap him in the face for if present. He was experiencing a level of consciousness commonly referred to as Prongs Being A Dumbass. 

"Merlin's pants, Peter! You're right!" James jumped up and grabbed the boy by the collar with the grin of a madman. Peter, in a level of consciousness commonly referred to as Wormtail's Estranged Muggle Associations, thought he looked like Willy Wonka. (He never liked Willy Wonka- Augustus Gloop related to him on a level Peter didn't like to discuss.) 

"I am?" Peter stammered. 

"Yes! Grindlewald's arse, Peter, I could kiss you!" Then he did, on the cheek. James grabbed Peter by the wrists and pulled him up, momentarily throwing him in the air. 

Sirius jumped up in a quick instant of sanity. "Wait, are you going to actually do that? No, I'm leaving-" 

"Looking like that?" Peter said, referring to Sirius' shirt. 

"Okay, I'm going to change and then I'm going to stop you because  _ no one is locking me in a room with Remus John Lupin!"  _

"Said the person about to be locked in a room with Remus John Lupin," cackled James as he dragged Peter outside, who was rapidly apologising and giggling at the same time. 

Sirius raced outside and caught James by the bicep, twisting the skin into an Indian burn. 

"Hey-!" 

"You're going nowhere-" 

"Hey, Padfoot are you blush-" 

"I'm red with rage, Wormtail, I don't blush!" 

"Oh, come on!" James pulled himself away, laughing. "Let me fulfil my romantic-comedy dreams."

"Not with me," Sirius growled. 

"Please?" 

"No!" 

"Fine!" Peter threw up his hands in surrender. "Just- go change and let's head down to the party, alright? No more arguing, please." 

The juice on Sirius' chest was starting to chill. "Yeah. I'm picking out the clothes, though. You have terrible taste, Prongs."

"Yeah, yeah, go ahead." James and Peter smirked at each other. 

The party was only getting started. 

~

"Remus? Remus, are you in there?" 

Remus was in there. It didn't mean he had to do anything about it. 

"Remus, please open the door." 

No. 

"Remus, if you don't open the door I'm going to get Potter down here with the key and that would be excruciating for both of us. Do you want to sit in that small bathroom with James Potter and talk about your feelings?" 

It was actually a very lavish bathroom. There were decorative soaps and the towels were folded into swans. (Until Remus destroyed them. Sorry, he's fidgety.)

Lily opened her mouth to make another threat of love when Remus opened the door. She closed it again when she saw the mascara tracks down his face and the water splashed on the mirror. "Oh, Re, oh my goodness, Re. Can I come in?" Remus nodded and let her pass. 

Once Lily was inside, Remus pressed his whole body against the door. Lily dried his face with a soft vanilla scented hand towel. He might have appreciated it better if someone else wasn't on his mind. 

That's just too bad. 

Lily put down the towel and stared at him fondly. "What's going on, Re?" 

After a pause, he said, "I saw Sirius." 

Lily raised a perfectly colored eyebrow at him, the corners of her mouth ticking up. "Oh?" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

She quickly crumbled her expression, returning to a tender smile. "Nothing." 

"No, it means more than nothing. What are you thinking," he pushed, eager to change the subject. 

"Don't put this onto me," she laughed, tilting up her chin.  _ Shit.  _ "What happened with Sirius?" 

Remus crossed his arms, sheltering himself. He didn't want to talk about it: he didn't want to share that shame and guilt. It was a private matter. Sirius is a private matter. 

"He's messing with my head." 

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "How so?" 

"He's just... " He shrugged and began to flail his arms, making vague gestures that didn't translate to anything. "I… I  _ threwmydrinkathim."  _

"What was that? Re, I couldn't hear-" 

"I threw my drink at him, Lily! Oh my God, I threw a cup of fruit punch at Sirius Black- don't you dare laugh!" 

Lily threw her hand over her mouth, but it did little to hide her excitement. "I'm not laughing, I swear! Oh my goodness, Re, that's  _ so badass!"  _

Remus forcefully dropped his head into his hands, biting back tears. Immediately, Lily wrapped him in a hug, her arms going around him twice so he was surrounded by the scent of her flowery perfume and lemon laundry detergent. She squeezed him hard enough to force the tears out, tears he had been holding for way too long. He started to shake from the pressure and sobbed into her for the first time. He never cried like this in front of her, not even during his panic attacks. It seemed Lily was trying to push him into her, absorbing him, causing him to cry more. How pathetic. 

"You're safe, Remus," she cooed, rubbing circles into his back. "You're safe and loved-" 

Remus shook his head, furrowing himself into Lily's hair. 

"No? Remus-" 

"I can't be loved, Lily," he sobbed incomprehensibly. He sounded like a dinosaur. What the fuck was happening to him? 

"Yes you can, Remus, there's so much proof that you are-" 

He shook his head harder. "I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be." He repeated the mantra, shakier and shakier, until Lily pushed him away and started wiping at his face. Redundant, as he kept crying anyway and his face kept getting wet. 

"Remus, look at me honey. Look at me. Hey? Breathe with me." Lily was referring to the increasing speed and violence of Remus' breath. He kept seeing the brightest stars before his eyes offensively. He's seen enough of those today in too many forms, get out! "Remus, please, breathe with me. In, out, come on. You're so loved, okay? You are so extremely loved," she said like a religious preacher. 

Remus wiped his eyes with the heels of his hands. The heat wave in his chest was getting worse. "You don't get it, Lily." 

"I want to get it-" 

"No you don't," he snapped. "No you don't… You can't."

Lily looked like the next to cry. "You won't let me." 

He felt the tremors before the earthquake, his heart rate sputtering in warning. "You can't," he stammered, struggling to control his voice when every one of his nerves were telling him to scream. 

Lily took a deep breath. Remus noticed the grip she had on him. "Remus, this isn't easy for me to ask, but it's been bugging me for a while. Is there anything you're not telling me?" 

There was so much, but the earthquake was just beginning. The temperature was at a record high. Scientists say it's global warming, but Remus knows it's Lily Evan's questions that's at the heart of it. He answers her with a moan and a sob. 

"Remus, please talk to me. Please." 

He can't bear to look at her. The buildings are crumbling and landing on innocent civilians who couldn't find shelter soon enough. He can't blame them: it was sudden, a surprise killer. "I can't." 

Lily squeezes him tighter, though not tight enough to hurt him. He wishes she would. "I love you so much, Remus. And there's so many people who love you, too-" 

It was getting bad, now. No scientific scale could measure this earthquake: they'd have to create a whole new measurement system to account for this disaster. It was the first earthquake to happen in this three thousand degree heat, and it's all happening inside Remus John Lupin. What if he let someone in? They'd be crushed by everything inside, everything that words can't name. He feels the heat and vibrations seeping into his skull, shaking his thoughts and muddifying his brain cells. At his core, Remus Lupin is boiling goo.    
  


"Lily, shut up." 

"What-" 

"Just-  _ shut up!"  _ he screamed. Lily dropped her hands immediately in fear. She was scared. Remus scared her. Oh God. 

"Just shut up, Lily, God!  _ Please!  _ You can't understand, there's too much, you wouldn't be able to handle it-" 

"You're not giving me a chance!" She yelled desperately, matching his volume. 

Remus stomped his foot in an attempt to release the earthquake inside of him. "I can't! I can't, oh my God, I can't...." He resorted to sobbing again, but Lily didn't touch him this time. She just stared, because she was scared. Remus scared her. 

"I can't be loved. I'm a gay werewolf, Lily, who could love that?" 

Remus watched the statement reach Lily's ears and watched her brain try to process it, the gears turning and gaining speed. He saw her mouth open then drop as the sentence was mulled over, it's nuances and inflections being pulled apart and analyzed. Her green eyes skirted across the room as she noticed how past events matched up with this revelation. This was all very good and fun, but it wasn't what he was watching for. 

"What do you mean?" Lily asked like a small girl. 

Remus wanted to say it wasn't true. He wanted to take it back. But after all these years of confiding, he learned that once something is out of your mouth, you can't stuff it back in. (He tried. Believe him, he tried.) 

"I'm a werewolf, Lily. I'm sorry." 

Lily breathed. Remus couldn't tell what it meant. "That doesn't change anything, Remus." 

"It changes  _ everything,  _ Lily. You really think our friendship is going to be the same after this? You really think I can find someone to love me? God, Lily, I'm a bisexual werewolf! Someone up there really hates me!" He laughed harshly, the sound reverberating off the shining bathroom walls, bouncing off a small thump from some drunk teenagers outside. 

"Remus, stop being a dick and listen to me!" Lily went right up to Remus, less than a centimeter between them like a military sergeant. "I don't care that you're a werewolf, dumbass! You're still my best friend! You've been my best friend before I knew and you'll be my best friend long after, okay! So stop thinking about only yourself and listen to me, goodness!" Lily wiped her eyes, and Remus noticed for the first time that she was crying. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

Remus stood, stunned. He didn't know what to say. 

"Did you think I would hate you? I'm not going to lie, it's a shock… " _ There it is,  _ he thought. "But it makes a lot of sense now. Is that what caused you and Sirius to…?" 

He knew what Lily was referring to. Strangely, it didn't make him feel worse. "They told someone." 

Lily put her hand on his shoulder again. "Who?" Remus shook his head. "Who did they tell?" 

"Sirius told Snape where to find me when I transform. James stopped him before he saw, but… Lily, I could have killed him. He could have killed  _ me.  _ I'm a monster, Lily, there is no situation where we both walk away alive if Snape saw. I…" Remus started to shake, the aftershocks running through his body, and Lily hugged him. This time, Remus hugged back. 

"I can't believe…" Lily said after a few silent moments. "I can't believe they'd do that… You don't deserve that. You don't deserve this." Remus nodded, not saying anything. 

~

Peter Pettigrew is very excited and very nervous to announce that he will be narrating a part of this story for the very first time! Please note that the previously mentioned emotions are the only ones he knows how to express. This will be an excruciating- but nonetheless very fun- experience. 

Peter is a very blunt person and says the ideas and phrases that pop into his mind without a second-over to see if they're worth saying. If he did do that, he wouldn't have suggested locking Sirius and Remus in a closet to work out their feelings. But he did, and James Potter was right next to him, so now he's running around the Potter Manor looking for a certain Remus Lupin. 

James had decided to split up. (Peter didn't have a choice in the matter.) He was searching the second floor while Peter was stuck analyzing hundreds of faces at a time. After spending thirty minutes amidst the crowds and almost being puked on (for everything he doesn't have, he does have excellent reflexes), Peter decided to roam the halls and small rooms. Admittedly, he wasn't paying too much attention to who he was looking at, but he was also very drunk and very tired. 

He found himself walking down a long, barely lit hall that used real candles next to portraits. Peter felt like he was walking through a museum, or the Adam's family mansion, quietly humming the tune to himself. 

Peter was having a grand time with his one-man music festival until he heard someone yell from the door next to him. He hadn't been checking doors, but this one seemed like a good place to start. There was a familiar voice inside that slipped under the door, someone with an Irish lilt to their vowels and someone motherly yet angry at the same time… 

"Evans?" he gasped, applauding himself for the connection. He grabbed the doorknob with excitement, but as the voice kept speaking, Peter realised it wasn't very bright of him to barge in just then. He'd probably wouldn't live to tell the tale if he did. Instead, he pressed his ear to the door and listened. 

"I can't be loved," someone yelled inside. Wait, was that  _ Remus?  _ Dear Merlin, it was Remus! Of course, that bloody wanker was always so self-deprecating. Peter wiggled impossibly closer, cutting off some circulation to his ear. 

"I'm a gay werewolf, Lily, who could love that?" 

Yep, that was Remus in there, all right. The only gay werewolf in Hogwarts. 

Wait,  _ gay?  _

Moony was  _ gay? _

Peter hopped away from the door, holding onto his ear like it was on fire. He made a thump against the polished floors as he fell on his bottom, but ignored it to sprint on all fours away. 

He found James patrolling the second floor landing, collected but with a permanent smirk. In simple terms, he appeared elegant. Peter, on the other hand, was a sight to be seen with the 40% alcohol sweat pooling under his arms and a terrible fish out of water expression. 

Peter gripped James like he was a lake in the desert. "Prongs, Prongs, Prongs, Prongs,  _ Prongs oh my God Moony-"  _

"Get off of me, you slimey git!" James yelled, pushing him off. "I can't understand a word-" 

"Moony is gay!" 

James' eyes widened at the news, and Peter shook his head a mile a minute. "Yeah, that's what I said! Moony is gay and he was telling Evans in the bathroom!" 

"What!? He told Evans?" James was turning a violent shade of pink, his smirk turning into a trademark Marauder grin. 

"Yes, that bird! Moony is  _ gay!"  _

"Moony is gay!" James clapped. 

"Moonys gay! Moonys gay! Moonys gay! Moonys gay!" Peter and James clasped hands and jumped up and down on the landing, giggling and chanting like schoolgirls playing double dutch- thank God no birds were there to see. 

"We have to tell Sirius! He's dancing downstairs, I saw him!" James said between cackles. "Merlin's pants, this is the best news I've heard all year! Moony is  _ gay!"  _

James slid down the banister as Peter tottered behind him, skipping every other step. They were quite a sight- sprinting and pushing while giggling. Eventually they found Sirius, who was grinding on the Hufflepuff Head Boy. 

"Hey, Padfoot!" James screeched despite being two feet away from the person in question. He gripped Sirius by the wrist and dragged him away from his suitor who seemed surprisingly devastated. 

"Hey! I was dancing-" 

"You were having virgin sex-!" Peter interrupted until James yelled for their attention. 

"Marauders! Moony is  _ gay!"  _

Sirius attempted to mask his surprise and enjoyment with sarcasm, but it failed miserably. Kudos for trying, though. "Really, now?" 

"I overheard him talking to Evans," Peter supplied. 

"Moony is  _ gay!"  _

"I heard you," Sirius said. "I don't believe it." 

"You better believe it, mate, 'cause Moony is gay and so are you!" 

Sirius couldn't hide his happiness any longer. "Moony is gay?" 

"Moony. Is. Gay," clapped Peter. 

"Moonys gay!" James grabbed the marauders hands and began jumping again. "Moonys  _ gay!"  _

Sirius cackled and began to jump, too, encouraging Peter. "Motherfucker! Moonys gay!" 

"Moony is gay and Moony is gay and Moony is gay!" 

This time they were in public while engaging in the jumping circle. However, they were all slightly drunk, and everyone around them was three times as drunk as them. No one cared, so James picked up Sirius and spun him around, knocking into some other party-goers along the way. 

"Put me down, you wanker!" Sirius yelled. 

"Marauders, huddle! Huddle, guys!" James tossed Sirius down, leaving him to twirl dizzily into a wall. As they drunkenly assembled themselves, James cleared his throat. "Marauders," he began, "it is time for a master plan." 

"Such as?" Peter slurred. 

"Operation… Moonfoot." 

Peter broke down laughing, ducking out of the huddle, as Sirius stared at James dumbfounded. "Prongs, you gotta be shitting me. What the fuck is… that?" 

"What do you mean? What is Moonfoot?" 

"What the fuck is the cursed name?" Sirius said between laughter. 

"It's your ship name! Moony plus Padfoot equals Moonfoot! I'm a genius!" 

"No you are not! That's terrible, Prongs-!" 

"Got anything better, Padfoot?" 

Peter raised his hand. "Siremus," he wheezed. 

_ "Siremus?  _ Wormtail, that is an atrocity to the English language. It doesn't roll of the tongue half as easily as Moonfoot," James defended. 

"Okay, okay, what about Operation Wolfstar?" Sirius asked. 

"Padfoot, that's the worst idea yet. It has nothing to do with combining your names. At least Wormtail tried!" 

"Yeah, at least I tried!" 

Sirius crossed his arms. "Listen-!" 

James stomped his foot, calling for attention. "Operation Moonfoot, no more debate! What is our first step in our plan to get Moony and Padfoot together?" 

Sirius scoffed. "That's what this is? Prongs-" 

"Not in a romantic way, mate! Just for y'all to make up, yeah? Any ideas?" 

The Marauders all looked at each other, searching for ideas, but none could come up with anything. Peter shrugged. 

At the other side of the living room, someone was standing on top of a table with a microphone. "Okay, everybody! Calling for attention!" She said. It appeared to be a short blonde girl Peter vaguely identified as being a fifth year Gryffindor, below them. "Um, I'm going to sing a song! I'm going to sing Killer Queen, by, uh, Queen!" She giggled, her blonde curls bouncing under the purple disco lights. 

Sirius moaned. "Ah, don't butcher it!" 

James gasped. Sirius turned to him to defend his honor, but it was clear James wasn't astonished by the bird's song choice. 

"I got it." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be an angsty chapter how did it turn into this 
> 
> join me at my very ugly tumblr bc im too lazy to set up a real theme! proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	9. rom-coms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: depictions of violence (i dont think im that good of a writer to say "graphic" but... beware)

Sirius Black is confused. "What do you got, Prongs? A bad case of insanity?" 

James whipped around, his face mirroring that of a golden retriever. In moments like these, Sirius wonders if James should have been the dog of the group. "No!" he yells. "Padfoot, I got it! Dear Merlin, I'm so smart. I should be a doctor, yeah!" 

"Tell us," says Peter. 

The instrumental track begins to play as Sirius begins to put two and two together. "James, I don't sing." 

James giggles. How much has he drank tonight? "You do now! Peter, you said Remus and Lily were in the bathroom?" 

"Yeah?" 

James claps his hands. "Stay here!" Sirius groans. 

Might as well start warming up his voice. 

~ 

James Potter is a genius! Someone should get him a book deal! He needs to tell the story to the world of how he got Sirius Black and Remus Lupin to snog it out by forcing them to sing karaoke. 

That's how it works in rom-coms, right? 

James raced to the bathroom and pulled open the door without warning, causing Remus and Lily to drop their joints. 

"Lily Evans, you smoke weed?" 

"What do you want, Potter?" she snaps, hopping off the sink to pick up her joint. Apparently she's even angry when high. 

James grinned. "We're doing karaoke." 

"And?" asked Remus. 

James grins wider. "Well, Rem, this concerns you very much. We're playing your song." 

"What song?" he drawls, faking disinterest. 

James closes his eyes and begins to hum the tune, butchering it completely.  Both Remus and Lily recognized it immediately from being raised in muggle communities. Lily, enlightened, smiled widely, while Remus dropped his head.

"You want me to… sing?" 

"Yes! You do every time! Every Gryffindor party, you sing with Sirius, c'mon!" James grabbed Remus' wrist and pulled him off the sink. 

Remus dug his heels into the floor as Lily laughed behind them. Merlin, that was such a beautiful sound… wait, Remus was saying something. Sorry! "This isn't a Gryffindor party, James. I'm not singing with Sirius. Did you even consult with him or is this just another scheme of yours?" 

James winked, excited by Remus' slip in not calling him Potter for the first time tonight. A good start! "It's a scheme of  _ ours,  _ Remus!" 

"Watch the manhandling, Potter!" Lily called, enjoying the scene as if it were just a movie. Everything must feel like that when you're high, but James wouldn't know. As a good Christian lad, he was sent to Sunday school and was drilled  _ drugs are bad! Drugs will kill you and land you in jail!  _ Needless to say, this was James' first time being drunk. 

Remus wasn't struggling as much as James expected him to, so he tugged harder, the smaller boy falling into him. "Hey, what are you-!" 

James picked him up with his Quidditch strength and threw him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, ignoring all the kicking and pounding. "We're singing karaoke, Remus, whether you like it or not!" 

"James Potter, put him down now!" Lily screamed, shaking James' shoulders like he was an apple tree. 

"Lily, calm down, you'll make me drop him!" 

"That's what I'm trying to do!" 

Remus pushed himself up from James' pack. "He's going to drop me on my  _ head!  _ James, turn me around." James obliged. Remus stretched out his arms. "Lily, pull." James whipped back around again, accidentally slamming Remus against his back, eliciting a groan from both parties. 

"No one is going anywhere except to the party! How long have y'all been in the bathroom, anyway?" 

Lily and Remus were both quiet, trying to do the math. 

"Okay, that means too long! Lily, open the door!" 

"No." 

"Okay!" James announced, maintaining his overconfidence (that some may call arrogance).  "Then I will open the door!" 

Lily stood in front of the door. "If Remus doesn't want to do karaoke with you then he doesn't have to." 

"Fine. Remus, would you please at least watch me, Sirius, and Peter make the performance of the century, yeah?" 

"Can I walk there myself?" Remus moaned. James dropped him immediately, releasing a quick thump on the mat. Remus sighed. "I guess." 

"I guess or sure, I'll go?"

Remus turned to him, a look of bored annoyance. James knows how to solve both of those emotions. "I'll go." 

~

Remus Lupin can't believe he's back in this godforsaken party with James Potter next to him. Three very drunk third years (who invited third years?) were butchering December, 1963 and a graduate was trying (read: failing) to breakdance to it. (You can't breakdance to The Four Seasons? Also don't you have a job?) He wouldn't be there if he didn't know Lily would be by his side, his true best friend. 

The Potter Manor was truly a lawless land. 

James bumped his shoulder next to him. "Isn't this fun?" He yelled unnecessarily because, despite the loud music, he was right next to Remus and was naturally very loud already. It was like a mouse whispering. But James Potter was never known for being very aware of himself, was he? 

  
  


Remus nodded and wondered whether this was the night he would try being crossfaded for the first time. "Sure," he replied listlessly. 

James bumped into him again. "C'mon, have a little fun tonight. Please, mate?" 

Remus squinted, looking at James fully. Did James say please? "Okay…" 

"You are having fun, right?" 

Remus felt himself start to turn red. "Of course," he said. Not fully a lie, not fully a truth. 

James beamed. "Great!" 

Just then, the torture of listening to thirteen year olds sing ended and the crowd clapped a little too wildly. Thomas, a Ravenclaw Remus recognized from spin the bottle earlier, had taken it upon himself to run the karaoke. He had a bright pink microphone and clipboard, with what written down Remus could only guess. "Okay, party people!" Thomas whooped with an eager reply from the party people in question. "Next up on the list here is, drumroll please… Sirius Black-" 

Remus blinked and grounded himself as the manor started to shake, looking for the nearest doorways to stand under if the earthquake continued. But alas, there was no earthquake. That's just what it feels like when hundreds of preteen (and, let's face it, some teen) girls jump and squeal at the same time. He breathed, controlling himself, until Thomas said a second name and the screaming started up again. Of course, the Marauders always got lots of attention, but this was a different kind. This excitement was more confused, more out of surprise than glee. Lily was cackling next to him. 

"What did he say?" Remus asked her. 

Lily wiped a tear from her eye. "Potter, I'm going to kill you!" 

"Oi, I didn't do anything! Peter wrote the name on the ballot!" 

"Lily!" Remus growled. "What name did Thomas just announce?" 

Lily laughed some more, taking her time before answering Remus' question. "Sirius Black and Remus Lupin singing Super Trouper by ABBA." 

Sirius was being pushed onto the stage, a mic being thrown into his hand. He met Remus' eyes and gave him a look that meant  _ I didn't ask for this either.  _ As if on cue, Remus started to feel a similar push to the stage. 

"No. I'm not going." 

"Remus, oh my goodness, I am so jealous of you right now. You get to sing ABBA with Sirius Black!" 

"Oh,  _ fuck off!"  _ Someone Remus couldn't recognize had grabbed his hand and begun to pull. A sea of giggling girls were staring at him with anticipation. This was his worst nightmare.

Lily grabbed the back of Remus' shirt. "Potter, I can't believe you're making him do this!" She said after finally composing himself into her usual protective tone. James just smirked and stepped closer to her to say something Remus couldn't hear. In the meantime, he was too busy being washed over by a tide of teenage wizards urging him to sing. What is this,  _ The Twilight Zone?  _

Remus suddenly found himself at the foot of the stage and was surprised to find that it was a real stage that someone had transfigured. Here he was, thinking it was just a high table. Impressive magic, he must say. And there was Sirius, smiling at him with a microphone in hand. The blue disco light spinning across him gave him a fitting halo and did things to Remus' stomach. 

What's going on with him these days? 

He felt a sudden warmth rise to his face and tried to swallow this poorly timed blush, until he realised that it was actually a spotlight. (Who was sober enough to transfigure and install a spotlight? Or was it already there? What are the logistics of this situation?) Sirius smiled a little wider. Ah,  _ there's  _ the blush. 

Three pairs of hands thrust him up the steps as Thomas forced a mic into his hand and the music started to play. The familiar piano chords filled the room, energizing the audience. 

Side note: Remus loved ABBA. He's not afraid to say they're one of his favorite bands since they won Eurovision in 1974. 

He brought a record of their second album, Waterloo, over to Hogwarts after spring break in their third year. The Marauders weren't crazy about the group, but Remus liked them, so they gave it a try. 

Sirius liked ABBA a bit more than he'd like to admit, or he pretended to for Remus. Eventually, when ABBA gained more traction in the music industry and started to become an international sensation, they would play their music at Gryffindor parties. And once karaoke became a thing, they always had one song. 

It was their thing, for Remus and Sirius. They would sing this song everytime, either drunk out of their minds at parties or high on adrenaline in their dorms or just to annoy James and Peter in the halls. It was their song, for Sirius and Remus. For Remus and Sirius. Sirius and Remus, Remus and Sirius singing Super Trouper by ABBA. It was sweet. Sirius was sweet for putting up with it, learning the songs like that for Remus. Sirius is sweet. 

Someone awwed in the audience. Remus didn't want to know how red he was right then. 

Sirius adjusted the mic stand and placed his mic inside, leaning against it just so slightly. He smirked happily, obviously enjoying the attention. "Sing with me," he said for the entire party to hear. 

Remus' palms began to sweat. "No," he mumbled, away from the mic. 

"It's our song," Sirius teased.

"I don't care." 

"Your part is coming up." 

Remus shook his head. He usually took the first verse of the song. "No." 

"Alright, then." Sirius cleared his throat just on time with the music and began to sing. The girls began to cheer before he even opened his mouth, but Remus heard the words loud and clear anyway. It was as if he wrote them. 

_ "I was sick and tired of everything, When I called you last night from Fresno."  _

Against his will, Remus began to smile. He didn't really care, but bit his cheek anyway. 

Sirius started to sway to the music a little bit, the way they used to when singing alone together.  _ "All I do is eat and drink and sing, Wishing every show was my last show."  _

Remus bit his cheek harder. "You're singing it wrong," he said accidentally into the mic. The crowd laughed with a few awws sprinkled in, not helping his already red face. 

Sirius chuckled and raised an eyebrow, keeping his stage presence. 

"It's eat and  _ sleep _ and-" 

"How about you help me out, Agnetha?" 

Remus blinked, the crowd whooping. "I don't-" 

_ "Everything will be so different when I'm on the stage tonight!"  _ Sirius sang wholeheartedly, grabbing Remus by the wrist and pulling him to center stage. "Sing the chorus with me! Please?" 

The crowd began jumping and cheering, and Remus knew he couldn't say no. He stared dumbfounded at them, and his eyes eventually found James and Lily. 

James was, in short, ecstatic. He was bouncing, singing along, watching like he waited for this his whole life. He probably had, knowing him. Remus was surprised he hadn't made a poster or two (or five hundred, one for everyone in the crowd). 

Lily was laughing her ass off, of course, but was positive enough. She gave him two thumbs up of encouragement. 

Remus wanted to cry. He wanted to bite Sirius' hand off. He wanted to ki- 

Remus jerked his hand away, clutching his mike. God, how awkward was he? Sirius frowned, but was a good enough musician to come into the chorus on time, telling Remus he needed to  jump in. 

_ "Tonight the super trouper beams are gonna find me, Shining like the sun-"  _

The crowd chipped in with the bass line,  _ "Sup-p-a, troup-p-a!"  _ Remus laughed, the epitome of elegance against Sirius Orion Black, who stood high and danced appropriately for a surprisingly sober person at a makeshift karaoke bar. He had taken off his leather jacket- completely dry, Remus noticed- and held out his hand. Tentative, Remus took it, and was quickly and clumsily spun into his arms, causing the audience to laugh. 

Remus closed his eyes, fighting back the inevitable blush and laugh, as Sirius burst into full giggles. Who was recording this?  _ Someone  _ had to be recording this atrocity. 

Sirius swayed with Remus in his arms on the next line. It was at this moment Remus remembered this was their usual choreography. God, karaoke is much more embarrassing when you're not blackout drunk. 

_ "Smiling having fun, Feeling like a number one!"  _

Remus pulled away and turned to Sirius, ignoring the Always Face The Audience rule. "What the fuck?" 

Sirius blushed-  _ cute-  _ "Sorry?" 

"No, uh-" Remus looked around. They were falling behind. "Um-  _ beams are gonna blind me."  _

Sirius caught on.  _ "But I won't feel blue, Like I always do, 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you!"  _

Sirius and Remus locked eyes and began to smile at the line. It was just a stupid love song about musicians. Suddenly the scenario they were in felt less daunting. 

"This is like some cheesy romantic comedy," Remus said into the mike, pointedly staring at James in the audience. 

"It is, isn't it?" Sirius answered. "You'll take the next verse?" 

"What? No?" 

"Why not-" 

"Because I don't want to- Jesus Christ, I'm getting off-" 

The crowd booed and yelled- someone even threw a bottle of soda at him. Sirius- ever the gentleman- gripped his wrist and in an attempt to keep him from waltzing down the stage, but Remus pulled back.    
  
"I'm not singing!" he yelled. 

Sirius, retaliating, wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him up. Jesus Christ, what's with all the manhandling lately? He's taller than Sirius, he shouldn't be able to do this, for Merlin's sake! 

Sirius dragged him over to the microphone stand as Remus grabbed his wrists and threw them off. "Fine, I'll sing!" he announced, the audience cheering in approval. Is this the rockstar life? If so, he'd rather die. 

He gripped the stand and took a long breath before singing the second verse. 

_ "Facing twenty thousand of your friends, How can anyone be so lonely?  _

_ "Part of a success that never ends, Though I'm thinking about you only…"  _

Remus looked to his left to see Sirius doing a full contemporary dance, causing Remus to break his stage presence and belly laugh. 

"Very unprofessional, Remus," Sirius deadpanned, still attempting to do the worm to massive applause. 

Remus covered his face and used his other hand to pull up Sirius. "Get up, you wanker!" 

Sirius accepted his hand and came up singing the pre-chorus.  _ "There are moments where I think I'm going crazy…"  _

Remus nodded and echoed the line with extra emphasis.  _ "Think I'm going crazy...'"  _

Sirius smiled and spun him around, not letting go of his hand.  _ "But it's gonna be alright."  _

_ "You'll soon be changing everything."  _

Sirius thrust out his arms to the audience for the next line.  _ "Everything will be so different when I'm on the stage tonight!"  _ he belted with a small, forgivable crack, beaming towards Remus for approval. 

Remus shook his head, remembering the feeling of Sirius' hand in his, and began the chorus one more time as Sirius started to dance. 

"Dance with me," Sirius said as he sang. He moved his hips in a way that made Remus bite his cheek again. 

"No." 

Sirius danced closer. "Please?" 

Remus rolled his eyes and accepted Sirius' hand and followed his faux-salsa.  _ "Shining like the sun, Smiling having fun…"  _ Sirius spun Remus around a millionth time.  _ "Feeling like a number one!"  _

They sang and danced their way through the rest of the chorus, with the crowd loving it. Remus spotted Lily a few times and each one she was laughing at them in a friendly way, never taunting. James looked like he was about to pass out. Remus remembered how much he missed that smile. 

The bridge was coming up, and Remus was always the one who sang it. No matter where he was or who was watching, he always sang the bridge. But this time, it felt different. 

"Sing the bridge, Sirius," he asked. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "That's your thing." 

Remus sighed and shook his head. "Sing it with me, then…" 

Sirius smiled. "Take the lead." 

_ "So I'll be there when you arrive, The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive…"  _ Remus steadied his breath, focusing as to not stutter or crack on the lines.  _ "And when you take me in your arms and hold me tight, I know it's gonna mean so much tonight…"  _

Sirius sang the harmony. He always did. They stared straight out to different fixtures in the back and sang it like they always did before. Nothing had changed. They just went through the motions and that's all that happened. 

That's all. 

The crowd cheered and Remus and Sirius bowed like they always did. Lily and James had pushed their way to the front of the makeshift stage to be there when they walked down the steps like paparazzi. "Remus! Re, oh my goodness, that was hilarious!" Lily squealed when she saw him, hugging him around the waist before he was fully down yet. 

"Yeah, I saw you cackling," Remus replied. 

She slapped him playfully. "Shut up! You did great. You two have quite some chemistry." 

Remus felt a heat wave wash across his face, leaving him gasping. "No- I don't- That's the stupidest thing-" 

Lily slapped him again. "I was teasing. I… didn't think you'd react like that." 

James popped his head into the conversation while still hugging Sirius (how long had they been like that?). "Wow, Moony, are you okay? You look feverish," he said, smirking. 

"I- I'm fine!" Remus stammered. 

"If you say so-" 

"Yes, I do say so." 

"Okay, then, mate! Sirius, how are you feeling?" 

Sirius was smiling like a goofball, quite uncharacteristic of him. He was also staring at Remus. "Feeling good, James." 

"Glad to hear it, Padfoot." 

~

Sirius Black nodded at James, feeling giddy and ecstatic- something he hadn't felt in a long time, especially not with Remus. It was a good feeling. Unfamiliar but not strange. It was a warm feeling inside of him, and he's going to stop explaining it now before he gets carried away. 

He might already be carried away. 

Someone tapped him on his shoulder, and Sirius turned around, still smiling. He couldn't recognize the person in the dark but it didn't faze him. Many things can happen between strangers at parties like this: it's why James Potter doesn't fully know who his first kiss was. 

"Nice performance," the person said in a posh accent that weighed down the bottom of Sirius' stomach. 

"Thanks," Sirius said. 

"Can I talk to you, Sirius?... Outside?" The person asked. Sirius smile fell to the floor immediately, replaced by an empty face as he placed the voice. 

"How did you get here? Only Hogwarts students were invited." 

"Open doors, Sirius. I'm a plus one."

Sirius stepped towards the person, close enough to be one hundred percent sure that it was Regulus Black. "Who invited you? Why would you want to be here, mingling with 'different breeds-'" 

"Do you really want to cause a scene here, in front of all your friends?" Regulus retorted. 

Sirius breathed in through his nose, calming himself down, and led Regulus outside. He swung the door shut behind him, maintaining stubborn eye contact with Regulus. He crossed his arms. "What do you want?" 

"To talk-"

"There's nothing to talk about." 

"Maybe for you, there is not. But I have some things to say-" 

"Oh, the usual, I suppose-"

"Merlin, can I finish a sentence with you?" Regulus snapped, the sudden outburst leaving Sirius blinking. Regulus exhaled and continued. "I want to know what you're doing." 

Sirius smiled arrogantly, glad to know that he was the one in power here. "Why would you like to know?"

Regulus hesitated. "Mother has been asking." 

"That's new. Why does she care?" Regulus didn't respond, instead choosing to glare into Sirius. Sirius stepped forward. "Or are you lying?" 

"Why would I lie?" 

"I don't know, care to tell me?" 

They stood in that tableau, Sirius towering over Regulus and the other pretending to carry weight. Any longer, a bird would land on one of their shoulders. Maybe it would have been better that way, so the conversation would be forced to continue and this terrible minute could end. The suspension of it was killing both of them, the curiosity battling off against the utter hatred and guilt to keep them both standing there. They have gone on for far too long. 

Regulus finally broke the silence in a moment of bravery. Sirius would be proud, but that would mean admitting he was too much of a coward to speak. "Tell me what you have been up to." 

Sirius cocked his eyebrow, hiding the tornado in his stomach. "Why?" 

Regulus stomped his foot. He was never the one to keep his temper. "You're my brother!" 

Sirius scoffed: is  _ that  _ what this is about? "Really? I assumed I was blasted from the family tree already. Are you here to tell me I'm still a Black?" 

"I don't care what Mother says, where have you been?" If Sirius cared to look at him a second longer, he would have seen the tear fall down Regulus' cheek. Too bad pride and arrogance grabbed him around the throat and sent him to the kill. 

"I've been here, Regulus. With the blood traitors. Now go run along and tell mother that her disowned- but not disinherited- son is mingling and filth and scum-" 

"Please-" 

"So she can telephone the other pureblood families and ruin my name. No thanks, I can do that well enough myself-" 

"Sirius-" 

"I don't need your help. I don't need you in my life anymore-" 

"But what if I need you?" 

Sirius didn't skip a beat, instead gaining power in his argument. "You don't need me. You'll grow up to be a great pureblood wizard with your Durmstang education and high morals. You'll grow up untouched by filth like me and you'll be so high class- " 

"Merlin, just-  _ shut up,  _ will you!" Regulus finally snapped. Sirius, against his will, felt genuine hope in seeing his brother stand up for himself, but he had never imagined it would be against  _ him.  _ "Sirius, how do you think I got here?" 

"Snuck in like the snake you are?" 

"I got the time and address from a connection. I hid in the background until I saw you at the karaoke bar. I was here the whole time. Do you know why?" Sirius was dumbstruck at the wrong time, so Regulus kept going. "Because I needed to tell you that I- that I-" a second tear rolled down his face, the first one Sirius noticed. "I miss you." 

Sirius blinked, surprised at the confession. But Regulus wasn't done.    
  


"And I read your letters…" 

Sirius stumbled back liked he'd been punched in the chest, the pain ringing down his body. He felt like a cartoon character who ran off the cliff or ran into a church bell. He was seeing brightly colored stars and feeling dizzy from the anger: He had never been worse in his life.  _ This  _ was the reason his life was in shambles, why he couldn't look at James Potter in the eye for too long without the guilt of keeping a secret suffocating him. This  _ thirteen year old boy  _ made Sirius Black homeless, made him depressed and angry and guilty and a mess that no one knew about. 

No one had the right to ruin Sirius Black. 

He pushed Regulus hard enough that he flew an inch and landed with a choking crack in the grass on his back. "You did  _ what now you little shit?"  _

"I told mother-" Regulus sobbed. Sirius kicked him. "She would've-would've-" 

_ "Why did you tell?"  _ he exploded, getting down to punch Regulus in the face. 

"She would have tortured me! I needed to- to- survive! She was going to  _ kill me-"  _

With all the noise from the onlookers who flocked by the windows and door, and all the heat and adrenaline circling his blood stream, Sirius didn't notice that he had lost the ability to breath and to control his tears. He couldn't notice. "Don't lie to me! What did you tell her?" He slapped him again.  _ "What did you tell her?"  _

Ironically, Sirius didn't give Regulus a chance to answer. He pummeled the boy into the ground, attacking every inch of his body in every possible way. People were screaming but Sirius mistaken them to the voices in his head. Even if he didn't, he wouldn't have cared.  More humiliation for the victim. 

Someone yanked Sirius up to his feet from behind and sucker-punched him across the jaw. He stumbled, but didn't fall, and in the porch lights saw a tall figure he recognized as a Slytherin who was now a Death Eater pull out his wand. Sirius disarmed him with his own wand and stepped on the opponent's. 

"Fuck. Off.  _ Petrificus totalus, levicorpus."  _ Sirius sent the man's paralyzed body across the lawn and turned to the rest of the Slytherin gang with what could only be described as crazy eyes. The magic made his head spin and he wobbled on his feet. "Who's next?" 

"Sirius! Sirius, mate,  _ stop! Put the wand down, mate, Merlin's pants, please!"  _ Someone forced their way through the crowd frantically to right in front of Sirius' face, squeezing his shoulders. "Sirius, calm down!" 

Sirius pushed James' hands off of him. "Get off of-" James slapped him in the face, quite literally putting the sense back into him. "Sirius,  _ get it together!"  _

Looking around, Sirius noticed for the first time the hundreds of people all staring at him, watching him explode and have a break down. He was panting and crying, two things no one has ever seen him do. He closed his eyes. 

And he fainted from not drinking any water in the last twenty four hours. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i merged some chapters together bc it was annoying me how there were So Many
> 
> also i posted this on mobile so remind my not to do that again
> 
> yell at me on my (ugly) tumblr @proffessorrjlupin


	10. wake up!

James Potter is not accustomed to dehydration. All his life, he has been an avid water drinker. So, needless to say when Sirius Black passed out from dehydration, James couldn't recognize it and thought he had passed out from alcohol poisoning. 

James was very, very wrong.

Sirius only had one drink that night. To be fair, James didn't know that. He also didn't know what to do when your friend passes out from either dehydration or alcohol poisoning. He also had three drinks and was a terrible lightweight. 

"Someone call an ambulance!" James wailed, clutching Sirius' unconscious shoulders. "Dear Merlin, is he  _ dead?"  _ The party goers were gawking, not a single one having left the scene since it started. James couldn't help but wonder if Remus was somewhere in there. Where was he? 

Sirius moaned from under James, blinking as if blinded by the moonlight. 

"Sirius! Oh, thank Merlin, you're alive!" James scooped him up into a bear hug without getting up, forcing Sirius to contort himself. 

"G'off me, you wanker!" Sirius mumbled into him. "I'm fine!" '

"You almost died!" 

"James, there are  _ so many people watching-"  _

"I don't care about-" 

" _ James!"  _

_ "Fine!"  _ James screamed, surpassing Sirius in anger and volume. He stood and pulled Sirius up, steadying him when he began to totter. James was considering helping Regulus up until he heard someone moving through the crowd yelling, "Out of my way! Out of my way!" 

Lily Evans- holy Lord up high, it was  _ Lily Evans  _ approaching him with a bottle of tomato juice in hand and Peter following suit with three more. With a flick of her neck she swept all the hair from her face and stared into Sirius, asking without emotion, "When was the last time you drank something that wasn't alcohol?" 

Sirius reviewed it. The answer was a long time ago. Lily rolled her eyes and forced the juice into his hands. James couldn't help but notice how he was not a part of this conversation. "Drink this," she said. 

Sirius scrunched his nose. "Tomato juice? Evans, this shit tastes like-" 

"Sirius Black, you just passed out from dehydration in front of about three hundred people, maybe more. Drink the tomato juice." 

Sirius rolled his eyes and pinched his nose but drank the juice anyway, visibly gaining energy from it. As he drank, James turned to Lily. "Hi, Lily." 

She did not look at him. "Hi." 

James rocked on his heels. "So, how'd you know to give him that juice?" 

"It has electrolytes that he needs and it's hydrating." 

"Cool." 

Sirius finished the drink, gasping as he removed his lips. "God, that was awful." 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Worse." 

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Are you lying?" Sirius didn't answer. "I'll take that as a yes." 

"Dude, what happened? You went off on that guy!" Peter said incredulously before noticing the boy lying down a stone throw away. "Oh…" 

"Where's Remus?" James asked. 

"He's right-" Peter turned around, surprised to see Remus wasn't behind him. "He came with me to get the juice. Weird." 

James felt his insides twist. "He left?" 

"I guess so." 

He inhaled through his nose, focusing on the whistle it made. "Why would he do that?" he breathed. It was unlike Remus to drop a friend like that. James closed his eyes, growing aggravated at everything. "Sirius, what just happened?" 

"Regulus just-" 

"No, there was something before that." James rubbed his temples, his volume unconsciously rising. "Why did you freak out on him?" 

"I'm trying to tell you-" 

"No, you're not. Sirius, you're hiding something and look what happened? You lost it on your brother who's lying there  _ bleeding  _ right next to you-  _ because  _ of you, with no one to help him. What is happening to you, Sirius?" 

Lily stepped back, ready to flee. "I don't think I should be here-" 

"Lily-" 

"I'll clean Regulus up, take him home on the Knight bus. It'll take me half an hour, I'll be back." 

Peter raised his hand. "It'll be quicker with two," he added. He looked to eager to leave. 

James looked up at them, pausing his growing rage. "You'd do that?" 

"Of course." James stared at her, and Lily ducked her head, hurrying to help Regulus up and carry him inside. 

"Feel better," Peter said as he hurried off. 

When they were gone, Sirius sat down on the front steps, banging his juice bottle against his calf. 

"So much is going on…" he said, the wind carrying bits of the syllables away. 

"You're not telling me something, mate," James insisted. "What are you not telling me?" 

Sirius curled into himself, shivering from the midnight breeze. "You're being such a bitch right now-"

"Me? A bitch?" James' fingernails cut dashes into his palm, a sign he was about to lose it. "I'm not the one who beat the shit out of his own brother-" 

Sirius jumped up, grabbing the railing as his speed hazed his vision. "He started it-" 

"Then won't tell his best friend why!" James continued, shrieking. "Do you hear yourself? You sound like a toddler, mate! A spoiled brat! Just  _ tell  _ me, I can  _ help  _ you-" 

"You can't help-" 

"Is it Remus?" James yelled, surprising Sirius. He had struck a chord. Sirius sat down. "Because…" James crossed his arms. He sounded like his mother. "I can't believe he's not here right now. I can't believe he walked out! Padfoot, I see the way you look at him, do you think I'm blind? I know you love him, even if you don't." 

Sirius stared into the grass. His face was an emptiness that signified great pain behind it. "I do." 

"You know?" James asked, dropping his volume.

Sirius nodded as his eyes began to water. "Yeah." James sat and wrapped his arm around Sirius, letting him cry it out. "But it's not Remus." 

"What is it?" 

"Not fully, it isn't. But,  _ God,  _ I love him. I think I do, mate. I think I'm in love with him." Sirius shook his head. "Dear God, I'm in love with my ex-best friend who hates me." He started to sob. James didn't have an answer. It scared him. "I got kicked out, James." 

James bolted up. "What?" 

"Orion threw a fit when I came back from the orange fiasco." 

James blinked, restless energy already building up. "You've been homeless for that long? And you never told me?" 

"It was because of Regulus. He was reading my letters and reporting to Walburga, the motherfucking snitch," Sirius rushed. 

"You've been homeless for a  _ month?"  _

Sirius blanked. "I didn't want to tell you…" 

"Why didn't you come to me, mate? Padfoot, I would have accepted you immediately, yeah? You're a Potter in everything but name and living, and we can change one of those." 

Sirius blinked, looking at James for the first time. It was his turn to be incredulous. "What?" 

"Sirius, why don't you move in?" James said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Sirius began to cry again, hugging James tightly. James was crying too, both of them a drunken mess. 

After a few embarrassing minutes of brotherly bonding, James stood, wiped his face, and clapped his hands. "Drink your fucking juice, mate. Let's get you cleaned up yeah? We're going to see Moony." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean you're getting cleaned up and we're talking to Moony. Now." 

~ 

Remus Lupin is sitting on a lawn chair by the Potter Manor's pool with two full bottles of tomato juice next to him and one half empty bottle in his hand. Don't get him wrong, the juice is disgusting, but after what just happened he needs something healthy in him and to be alone by the water. He could hear it lapping smoothly. For the first time that night, he was calm. But, of course, James Potter has a way of ruining everything. 

James barged in through the back door, waving his arms like an extremely angry game show host super excited to show you what's behind door number three. "Well, look who it is! Remus John Lupin, drinking my tomato juice!" 

Remus turned around, caught red handed. "What do you want, James?" 

James stood right in front of him, hands on his hips. There was no space between him and the chair Remus was in. "Where were you just now?" 

"I was right here," Remus said, suddenly defensive. 

"Really, right here? Instead of helping your friend who just passed out right in front of you-" 

Remus shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about-" 

"Yes you do, mate. Why didn't you show up?" 

"He's not my friend, James-" James grabbed Remus by the arm and pulled him up, knocking the juice out of his hand, and slapped him across the face. 

"Yes he fucking is, and you better start acting like it!" 

For lack of better words, Remus Lupin was shocked. James had never hit him before, and by the look in James' eyes Remus knew he wasn't joking around. He pulled away his arm and stepped back, towards the pool.  "Why is he my friend, James? What has he done?" 

James followed him. "Because he cares about you, mate, we all do, can't you see? We've been sending you letters, we invited you to the party, we've been trying to hang out with you all night, and you just keep shoving us off! Like we're dirt, like we're trash! Well, I'm not a piece of trash, Remus Lupin, and neither is Sirius. He's hurting right now-" 

"Oh, did Regulus land a good punch?" 

James made to slap him again, but Remus caught his arm and kneed him in the stomach. He made a sound like a dying whale, but kept talking anyway. "Mate, can't you fucking listen?" 

"I have nothing to listen to-" 

"Merlin's bollocks, mate!" James kicked back, causing Remus to stumble but not fall. "How many times do we have to apologise until you open your eyes and realise we're your best mates! We've been your best mates forever, mate, and we're not going to fucking stop because of a stupid, immature mistake!" James, in a fit of irrational rage, pushed Remus without thinking and sent him stumbling into the deep end of the pool. Remus, with his quick reflexes, had just enough time to grab onto James and pull him in with him. 

God was having a bad day. 

Both of them were underwater, still wrestling each other as air bubbles spluttered around them. It's hard to wrestle underwater in clothes, but they managed it. Remus, being the expert swimmer, launched himself to the surface quickly. "I could have been found out, James, I could have died!" he said, careful not to be too loud. 

James popped up. "Well, you're still here, yeah? And so are we," he panted. "Remus, you have to listen to me." Remus was already swimming away. James attempted to doggie-paddle, but he barely managed to tread water. "Remus, Sirius was kicked out." 

Remus snapped around, halfway across the pool. "What?" 

James clutched the pool wall. "Regulus told his parents that Sirius was sneaking out to muggle communities. That's why they were fighting. He was homeless for a month, and he just told me now." 

Remus propelled himself to James in one swift motion. "James, what are you saying?" 

"Sirius has been homeless for a month and didn't tell us. You have to come up to him, Remus. We can't keep going on like this, yeah? At least I can't." 

Remus bit his cheek. "He kept it a secret?" 

"Yeah…" 

He sighed. "That piece of shit." 

~

Sirius Black was in a hidden guest bedroom in the Potter Manor. There was a small bathroom on the side where he splashed water on his face and combed his hair with his fingers. There was a queen sized bed with a heaven's white comforter and too many pillows. 

Sirius didn't know what he was feeling. 

He perched on the bed and but his chin in his hand. He wasn't going to cry, that was done. But it was a calming gesture, one that allowed him to think. Was he at peace? He couldn't be at peace, not after everything that happened and everything he learned. 

He really was in love with Remus John Lupin, wasn't he? 

Fuck. 

There was a thundering behind the door, shaking the knick-knacks on the dresser. James was probably coming up with thousands of bottles of tomato juice. The stomping got louder and closer, forcing Sirius to stand out of curiosity. He wasn't fully upright when Remus John Lupin, soaking wet, threw open the door, slamming it on its hinges. He never saw Remus like this before. His curls crowning his forehead, like a poodle caught in the rain. Sirius watched as his chest rose and sunk much faster than was healthy. Remus' eyes were wide, and the droplets growing on his lashes only emphasised his amber rings. 

Remus Lupin was a mess. He was also really, really fucking hot. 

Remus took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "What… the fuck?" he breathed, eyes still closed. 

Sirius swallowed. "What?" 

"I said… What the  _ fuck,  _ Black?" 

"I don't know what you mean-" 

Remus slammed the dresser, knocking down a small figurine that shattered against the floor. "How could you?" He screamed. Sirius only heard Remus scream one other time before, back in June. He doesn't think he needs to go over that. "How could you just- just waltz around-" he began to pace across the room, "keeping a secret like that- putting yourself in  _ danger  _ like that? That's so- so dangerous, so  _ stupid,  _ you're so  _ stupid- _ " Remus began to tug on his hair, his neck turning red. "You could have- oh, I don't know what could have happened. What were you  _ thinking?"  _ He turned to Sirius for the first time in his monologue. His eyes looked huge, his body shaking. Was he crying? Was Remus crying for him? For the first time, Sirius felt guilty. 

Sirius focused on the pool of water starting to grow under Remus and opened his mouth to speak, but Remus raised his hand sharply, silencing him. 

"No, I'm still talking. I have  _ a lot  _ to say about this. James told me everything. Were you never going to tell anybody, Sirius? Were you going to go about your life the same way because, oh, I'm Sirius Black, no one can touch me! Oh, you motherfucking-  _ figlio di puttana! Che palle,  _ were you going to kill him? Were you going to kill your own brother tonight?" Sirius swallowed. Remus put his hands to his forehead before tossing them in the air again, going back to overdramatic Italian motions. "I can't believe you! Were you sleeping in the streets? You could die that way! You could have  _ died!  _ You're such a dumbass, did you know that? I hate you so much, Jesus Christ! I hate you, you  _ stronzino,  _ motherfucker- you're terrible, did you know that?  _ Vaffanculo,  _ are you laughing?" 

Sirius smiled at Remus, not trying to hold it back. "I can't understand you, Remus. You look like a bird." 

Remus looked like he was about to catch on fire. "Excuse me?" 

"You're flapping around, like this-" Sirius made the same motions Remus was making, his smile growing into a grin. "And your accent is getting stronger- God, you're hilarious-" 

"You're really doing this right now?" 

Sirius started cracking up. "And you're soaking wet, too! Look at you, don't tell me this isn't funny-" 

"It isn't!" 

"Please, Remus-" 

Remus stomped his foot, shutting up Sirius. "No! Sirius-" he breathed, calming himself down. Was… oh. Remus  _ was _ crying. "I- We could have lost you, okay? And you didn't ask for help, so I'm angry, okay? Is that so hard to understand? And just for the record, you can't go beating up people you make you angry. Even if they get you disowned. That's not right, okay?" He wiped his eyes with the palm of his hand- which was redundant, of course, because he was already soaking wet. 

Just then, it settled for Sirius that maybe he still had a chance with Remus. Maybe he wasn't angry at him anymore. It was clear to him now, by the way Remus glared at him and how he was hiding his tears and screaming while soaking wet. Wait- 

"Why are you wet?" Sirius asked. 

Remus paused, taken aback. "That's the question you have right now?" 

"It's a good question."

Remus sighed. "James pushed me in the pool." 

Sirius dropped his jaw. "What the fuck!? Damn, Remus, why?" 

Remus stared at the floor, fiddling with his hands. "Well, uh… I'm… This is hard for me to say, I guess. But, I'm sorry for being such a… such an actual dick, you know-?" Sirius wouldn't let him finish, instead wrapping him in the hardest bear hug he possibly could. 

"I'm sorry," Sirius said into his shoulder. 

"No, I'm sorr-" 

"I know you are." They stood hugging, standing completely still in the empty air. After he felt Remus' chill seeping into him, Sirius said, "You should change, but I don't know if there's clothes in here." 

Remus broke the hug reluctantly, unsticking himself from Sirius and blushing slightly. "I can just steal something from Prongs', Lord knows he deserves it." He moved across the room to the door, his shoes squeaking on the way. He pulled the door, but it refused to move. He tried again with more force, but the door only rattled. Sirius pushed him out of the way to try for himself. After shaking the door for a disturbingly long time, he turned to Remus, whose eyes were closed. 

"Remus." 

"Sirius?" 

"I didn't do this." 

Remus' eyes were still closed, a peacefulness that could break any second. "Sirius." 

"Yeah?" 

"We're locked in, aren't we?" 

Sirius tried the door one more time to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. "Yes." 

"Sirius." Sirius watched Remus, unanswering. "We're locked in a room together… And I'm soaking wet." 

"Yes we are." 

"And I presume James Potter put us in this situation." Remus bit his cheek again, a tic of his that never went away. 

"Are you going to open your eyes?" Sirius asked.

Remus sighed and opened them. Sirius could see the amber ring around his irises start to grow with the moon patterns- the full moon must be coming up. He swallowed. Remus started opening drawers, looking for spare clothes. Sirius didn't know whether to be furious or overjoyed at the circumstances. The air was thick. Someone should open a window. Or was that just Sirius? (Or, more likely, was it Remus? Wait no-) 

Sirius shook his head just as Remus turned around with a hoodie and pajama pants in hand. Remus raised his eyebrow at the gesture. His hair was starting to dry and frizz. Damn, he really was a trainwreck. "I'm going to change in the bathroom," he said. Sirius nodded. Why couldn't he speak? The sound of the door shutting echoed through the room, pushing him back. 

Sirius Black was locked in a room with Remus Lupin, and only James Potter knows how long. 

~ 

Remus Lupin keeps finding himself in bathrooms tonight. Someone should start a support group for that. 

The bathroom smelled overwhelmingly of lavender. The wallpaper was yellow with flowers and the shower curtain had birds on it. Who decorated this fucking bathroom? Remus was disgusted. Remus doesn't usually care so much about interior design, but this is outrageous. 

Remus Lupin keeps finding himself procrastinating tonight. Someone should slap him in the face for that. 

He needed to change. His shirt was getting itchy and rough from the chlorine and his hair was sticking up like a porcupine (hello, Jewfro!). And Sirius Black was right outside the door, looking perfect as ever. Remus shivered. The Gryffindor lion was staring at him from the hoodie he should be wearing right now. The lion knows what's up. 

The elephant in the room was breathing down Remus' neck. Did he… did he have feelings for Sirius Black? 

He rolled the thought over in his mind. Were the butterflies, the nausea, the smiles, the anxiety, the worrying, the hurt, the images and thoughts and nostalgia and laughing in each others beds eating candy and telling stories the others don't get to hear… Was all that romantic? Could it be? Remus sat on the toilet seat, ignoring how his jeans squeaked and dripped. 

No, it couldn't. He couldn't have feelings for his best friend, if they're even still that. Everything between him and Sirius is platonic. It always has been and always will be! 

Then why was Remus hiding in the bathroom for the second time that night? 

He quickly changed, avoiding his reflection in the mirror. But he still couldn't leave. He felt like he was in an airplane, and if he opened that door all the air would be sucked into the vacuum and he'll fall into the Atlantic ocean. He couldn't risk it. Why was he still shivering? 

Sirius knocked on the door.  _ Motherfucker!  _ "You okay in there, Remus?" 

Remus swung around in no particular direction except  _ away _ . Could he do this? 

He'd have to. 

Remus opened the door, fully changed, to see Sirius less than a foot away from him. They both stepped back instinctively. 

"We might be here for a while, knowing Prongs. He'll wait until we snog or something," Sirius laughed. Remus nodded without moving from his spot.  _ Did he really just say that? _ This was  _ definitely _ going to be an awkward few hours. Maybe he should just fake alcohol poisoning right now and get it out of the way. That could work. 

Remus swallowed. "Sirius, we're still friends, right?" 

He smiled, probably at how red Remus was. "Of course we are." 

"Good." They were still friends. Just two bros locked in a bedroom together indefinitely. That's all that has happened, is happening, and will happen. He doesn't care if they're locked in this terribly decorated guest bedroom for the rest of the night; He's well equipped for this kind of situation. 

Sirius seems calm. He's sitting on the bed like he lived there. He always had that way about him, an eternal comfort in him wherever he went. Remus sat down next to him, staring at a painting on the wall. Sirius flopped down on his back to stare at the ceiling, the same way he did in their dorms. "How's your summer going, Remus?" he asked.

Remus laid down next to him. They had been in this situation thousands of times, laying down in cramped beds and asking about each other's holidays, even though they were together for most of it. It was sweetly familiar; Remus expected James to jump in between them at any moment. He was glad James wasn't here. 

Woah, weird thought. 

Sirius waved his hand in front of Remus' face. "Hey, Moony."

Remus blinked. "Oh, sorry, sorry-" 

Sirius laughed- long time since he heard that sound- and turned his head to face Remus. "You were with Lily this summer?"

"Yeah, for most of it." 

"And what was that like?"

Remus turned away from the ceiling to face Sirius. His eyes were still gray. Good to know. "It was fun. We went to Rome."

"Rome?" Sirius propped himself on his elbow, faking incredulous. "You never took me to Rome." 

Remus matched his stance. He could see Sirius' eyes clearly from here. "You never asked." 

"Did Lily ask?" 

Remus didn't try to fight the rising smile. "Yes, in fact, she did." 

"What did you do with her?" 

"Am I being interrogated?" 

Sirius flopped back down on his back. "Okay, don't tell me." 

Remus wanted to push him off the bed, as he would have done a few months ago, but caught his hand before. "You're being dramatic." 

Sirius pouted. "I am never dramatic." 

Remus rolled his eyes, not responding. He stared at the same painting on the wall, a green landscape with trees and lake.

"Remus?" 

He didn't turn away from the painting. "Hm?" 

"You did really good at karaoke tonight." Sirius' hair was pooling around his head, forming waves and ripples in the comforter. Not like a halo exactly, more like an ocean forming on top of his head. 

Remus blinked. "You… were thinking about that?" 

Sirius smiled. "Yeah. It was our best yet." 

He scoffed. "It was not." 

"Was too." 

Remus shook his head and laid back down. Something about this night wasn't the same as the others. Was it all the time spent apart? Of course something had changed, he just couldn't pin it down… 

He stood. Mainly to wake up his arm that was falling asleep, but also to get out of that awkward hell. He tried the door again: still locked! "There has to be a way out of here." 

Sirius sat up. "How?" 

Remus began to pace. "Do you have your wand?" 

"No." 

"Why not?"

"Why don't you?" 

"Mine is soaking wet, you wanker- 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, calm down, Moony. Are you okay?" 

Remus tried to breathe. Why was he so anxious. "I'm fine, Sirius." 

"Moony, you're anxious. I can tell." 

He waved Sirius off. "I just need some air." 

"Open the window." 

"Open the- oh. Oh my God-" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im posting this on my fourth hour of netflix binge can i get a holla
> 
> yell at me on the hell site proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	11. a change of plans

Lily Evans could have gone her whole life without riding the Knight Bus. She should have done that. But sometimes you have to escort shit-faced pureblood boys back to their mansions in the middle of magical nowhere. 

After fifteen minutes of the most hyper-realistic rollercoaster ride of her life, the Knight Bus exploded in front of 12 Grimmauld Place, a building with wide eyes and golden runes outlining each sharp edge, burning like thousands of radioactive fireflies. The castle's curtains- yes, at this point it could only be described as a castle- were shut closed by ugly, cracked hands, showing disgust at this abomination of a vehicle in the driveway. (Would the inhabitants know what a driveway is? Seeming as the castle didn't have the slightest incorporation of muggle architecture, Lily could assume: no.) 

At the stop, Regulus gripped the pole and stood shakily up without Lily or Peter's help. Lily stood and put her hand on his waist to help him, but he slapped it off with the same aversion as whoever was inside. "I don't need your help," he mumbled, in desperate need of some help. 

"It looks like you do," Peter said. 

"No, I don't." 

"Mate, I don't think you can even see with that black eye-" 

Regulus took his first step (stumble) without the pole, trying to keep the last remains of his dignity. "I can see just fine. I don't need a mudblood's help with anything." 

There was a pause. Regulus looked at Lily. Lily looked at Regulus. Peter alternated between the two people, scared that one of them was going to blow up. Lily eventually broke the tension by laughing, setting her eyes directly on Regulus. Seeing the red bursting up her neck, Peter bit his lip and stared at him, aghast. If only Regulus went to Hogwarts- he would have known what to not say around a certain Lily Evans. 

"You don't need a mudblood's help?" She asked kindly, like a kindergarten teacher. "Sirius must have pummeled the common sense out of you, if there was ever some to begin with. Poor thing. I guess you could go on inside with your black eye and minor concussion without throwing up like the two times you almost did on this ride, you arrogant, pathetic little rich boy. At least your brother could throw a punch." Lily smiled, gesturing to the door with a sweet tilt of her head. 

Peter had his hand on his mouth, expecting Lily's hair to turn into snakes to complete the myth. Regulus bit his bloody lip and turned forward, staring through the door with the determination of a snake. At this point, the bus had been stalled for about two minutes. A house elf was peering through a tightly shut curtain. Regulus took five slow steps like a drunk toddler, before leaning on the hand rail a little too much to exit the bus. The doors snapped shut behind him as they drove off, leaving the mansion in relative peace again. Lily could swear that he saw Regulus retch through the window. 

"Evans, that was absolutely  _ brutal _ , that was wicked!" Peter gasped. "I can't believe you just did that! I could never, I have to tell James-" 

Lily made back to her seat as if nothing had happened. "Oh, now you're starting to sound like him." 

Peter joined her in a booth, Lily staring out the window like she was searching for someone. He swallowed, ready to break the tension. "Oh, I guess I'm sorry about what Regulus said-" 

"You guess?" She kept staring, her voice monotone. 

"Oh, fuck, I mean-" 

Lily smiled, her demeanor easing. "I'm just messing with you, Peter. It's not your fault, it happens all the time." 

"I'm sorry 'bout that." 

"Don't be. This party is just... not what I expected it to be." 

"But it's still a good party, right?" 

Lily went back to all that happened that night. None of them she could describe as 'good.' "It's definitely very surprising…" 

"Yeah, totally. You should have seen Prongs' face when he started planning Operation Moonfoot tonight, most unexpected thing to happen all year-" 

Lily perked at the phrase, immediately sensing something wrong. She must have been pretty intimidating in that moment, as Peter shut up immediately like a small child wacked over the head. 

"What is Operation Moonfoot?" Peter took such a long time to respond that Lily was sure he wasn't going to without more prompting. She adjusted herself so her full body was facing him and her knees pushed against his. Her posture, frighteningly straight, compared to McGonagall's before she dolled out fifty points from Gryffindor. "Peter, what is Operation Moonfoot?" 

Peter refused to look her in the eyes. "I- I thought James would have told you…" 

Usually, she'd be more cool in a situation involving Marauder pranks like this one, but the way Peter was acting, she suspected this was more than transfiguring all of Professor Slughorn's cauldrons into tiny plastic cups. "Well, he did not. I would like to know what it is." 

"It's not that big of a deal, Lily, honest." 

"If it's not that big of a deal, then tell me." 

Peter was biting his lip white. Lily determined he should never pursue a career in law enforcement. Bending to the pressure, he sighed. "Well, _ ProngsistryingtogetMoonyandPadfoottogether!  _ See, it's not that big of a deal." 

Lily blinked. It's all she could do in that moment of confusion. "Peter, I did not understand a word that came out of your mouth." 

Peter turned so there was only an inch between their noses. "James is trying to set up Remus and Sirius. Like, on a date. Like, boyfriends. Kissing and all that other stuff couples do." 

"Spare me the details." Lily put her hand on her head, exasperated. Is this what mothers feel? She feels awfully like a mother now. Or is this just the punishment of the Original Sin, when Eve ate the apple and was cursed to forever live with stupid men like James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew? 

Peter rushed to explain, bouncing in his seat like a toddler needing to pee. Most things Peter did resembled that of a toddler's (going back to the Original Sin). "I mean, Padfoot has been crushing on Moony for, like,  _ ever _ at this point, it's pretty annoying actually. But he really doesn't pine like Prongs for you, it's more like silent admiration until Moony's out of the room and he acts like he's hungover but in, like, a good way." 

"Peter, this is all lovely, but I need to know what this bloody operation is. What is your plan?" 

"Well, I don't know if Prongs actually did it or not, but he wanted to lock them up in a room together-" 

Lily facepalmed. "Oh my goodness-" 

Peter threw up his hands, shaking his head like an innocent convict. "It might not have happened yet! But we're trying to get them to snog by the end of the night."

"Jesus Christ- why?" 

"Lily, you can't be  _ blind-  _ Padfoot tells me I'm the most oblivious bloke there is, but even I could see there's some chemistry there."

Lily couldn't begin to fathom what went through this bloke's head every day. "So let me get this straight- you and James are planning to lock Sirius and Remus in a room together until… until they  _ snog?"  _

"When you say it like that it sounds like a bad thing…" 

Lily hoped that whatever God was watching knew that she was using every ounce of restraint in this moment. "It was a bad idea to start, Peter." 

Just at that moment, with earthquake level tremors, the Knight Bus popped in front of the Potter Manor. With the red and purple lights pumping out of the windows and loud EDM, it was significantly friendlier than the last mansion they encountered. Lily jumped up. Peter gulped. This wasn't going to end well. 

~ 

Sirius Black is cool. He is suave. He is nonchalant. Except when it comes to Remus Lupin. 

Especially when it comes to being locked in a room with Remus Lupin, who can't seem to get out fast enough. 

At least there's a window in this room. 

"Do we have a ladder?" 

Remus Lupin was leaning out the window, almost dangerously. He looked like he could dive at any second, and do so with the ease of a bird. Because that's just who Remus Lupin was. He was beautiful. 

Sirius had come to terms with Remus' beauty a while ago; When you live with a bloke like Remus, it's either that or go insane. But after this time apart, his Don't Gape/Keep Your Pining Under Control skills were rusty. He felt like he was going to go into cardiac arrest and he couldn't tell anybody. It's torture- it's cruel and unusual punishment. If Remus runs his hands through his hair to get the water out one more time, Sirius is going to pass out.

Remus ran his hands through his hair. Someone cruel was watching from above. "No." 

Sirius cleared his throat. "Are there trees?" 

"...No." 

"Then what are we going to do?" 

Remus leaned out further, testing the forces of gravity and Sirius' self-restraint. "I don't know." 

Sirius might just actually be in love with Remus Lupin. And he has to say something about it soon. There isn't an  _ or else, _ nothing traumatic or world-ending would happen if he just stayed silent like he had all those years. But Sirius knows that this feeling is getting too big for him. He knows it when Remus cries- rare, but when it happens, when his eyes squeeze shut and red blotches rise and his shoulders shake like that, Sirius feels it. He feels the pain. Maybe their souls are connected and he's the only one who knows. Sometimes he feels like Remus is all he has tying him down, keeping him alive. It's when he smiles, or when he laughs really hard that he snorts, that's when Sirius feels like he's close to the earth. He's human. Because of Remus and his dumb smiles and his really weird laugh-  _ God, no one else inhales when they laugh like that. How is that humanly possible?  _ It's possible because Remus does it. And Remus is beautiful. The scar that races across the bridge of his nose, dodging freckles like a shooting star, is the most beautiful thing Sirius has ever seen. Sirius is a sap and that might just be okay, but he doesn't want to be a sap alone anymore. 

That is, if Remus feels the same way. If he could feel the same way. 

Sirius knows when Remus hates someone. He could really, toxically hate someone, especially closer to the full moon. But the person would never know; Remus would be polite- burningly sarcastic, yes, but not enough expose his real emotions. So if Remus still hated him, if there was still a part of him that hated Sirius like he did two months ago… 

Would Sirius ever know? 

He would like to say he knew Remus enough to know if he hated him. But the way Remus was acting was new. Could he have changed that much over the summer? Enough that, after two months, Sirius couldn't determine if he enjoyed his presence or not? 

Oh, all of this is bullshit! 

"Oh," Remus said, breaking Sirius' internal monologue (not that it wasn't needed). "Oh!" Remus leaned so far that only his toes were on the floor, the rest was out the window. "Hey!" He called, the happiest he seemed that night. 

Sirius got off the bed to look where Remus was looking. "What's up?" 

"The Knight Bus just arrived and dropped two people off- hey!  _ Hey, over here!"  _

Sirius pushed his way next to Remus and saw the two people for himself, who were staring back up from the front lawn. It was hard to decipher appearance from this height, but one was definitely angrier than the other. 

"Remus?" The angrier one called. 

"Lily?" 

_ "Oh my goodness! What the  _ hell!  _ Are you  _ locked  _ in there!"  _

Sirius was surprised that she had known about their situation so shortly after arriving back. "Uh, yeah?" 

_ "Merlin!"  _ Lily marched up through the door, stomping so hard Remus and Sirius could sense it from above. Remus' upper body was still completely outside the manor, however, allowing him to squint down at the second person. 

_ "Hey!"  _

"Hi!" 

"Peter! Oh God, Peter, I need you to do us a favor-" 

Peter's small form tensed. They didn't need to be on ground level to know he was already bouncing with anxiety. "You're locked up in there, aren't you?" 

"Well, yeah, I think we made that clear," Sirius called. 

"Peter, we need you to go around back to the shed and get the ladder for us!" 

Sirius blinked. "How do you know Prongs has a ladder in the shed?" 

Remus looked at him, the moonlight giving him a halo. "We found it in our second year, remember?  _ Hey, Peter!"  _ Sirius jumped at the sudden leap in volume. "Just get the ladder, okay? We need to climb out of here!" 

"I don't know if I can-" 

"Why not?" Sirius interjected. 

"Fine, fine, I'll get it! I'm getting it!" 

"Thank you!" Remus turned to Sirius, still smiling. It was so picturesque- Sirius wanted to paint it, the view of the stars behind the smiling boy should be shown in museums. "I knew we could get out of here." 

"Hey, Moony, do you... " Sirius straightened himself, summoning his Black charm. "Do you want to go back down to the party after this?" 

Remus blushed immediately, almost uncharacteristically. "What do you mean?" 

"...What do you think I mean?" 

"Like, together?" 

Sirius stared at the other boy.  _ Well, that's a new form of rejection.  _ "I mean, we go back down to the party, we dance, we talk. It's a party. You've been to a party before, haven't you?" 

Remus breathed. "Actually, I was kind of thinking of calling it a night after this." 

"What? Why?" 

"Well, let's see. It's one in the morning, enough has happened in the past three hours to encompass a whole week, I haven't eaten since this morning-" 

Something clicked. Something beautiful, wonderful clicked. "Do you want to grab something to eat?" 

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Like… dinner? Sirius, what is open at this hour?" 

"I was thinking more like breakfast. And the diner in town is open twenty four-seven. When was the last time we ate together? We should… catch up." Sirius cringed at himself. What was there to catch up on?  _ Hi, Remus, I've spent the last few weeks pining after you and going through alot of trauma. How are you? _

Remus shook his head, but it didn't hide the smile. "Catch up… Okay. I'm not done with… we're not done talking." He looked at Sirius directly, pain in his eyes. "I can't believe you just didn't tell anyone." 

Sirius raised his hand. "Let's talk about this over some pancakes. I can't handle your mom voice without some carbs." 

  
  


~ 

How is Lily Evans still star-strikingly beautiful after a night like this? How could her hair still be flowy and voluminous and her makeup still intact after going through this adventure? If James Potter wasn't so foolishly in love with her, he would be jealous! Oh, no he wouldn't. Lily is too kind to be envious of. Everyone wants to be her friend, and they're all right. Lily Evans is just that great. 

She doesn't think the same of James. 

"James Potter, I struggle to understand what goes through your flea-sized brain everyday. What on  _ earth _ makes you think you can do that?" She shouted as she launched through the kitchen doors to find him making cereal. 

James was too busy staring at the way her jeans curved over her hips to make an intelligent comment. He resorted to monosyllables. "What?" 

She stepped closer. "Did you just lock Remus and Sirius in a room together?" 

Any rational person would not have smirked at that moment. James is not one of those people. "Yeah, I did." 

Lily breathed through her nose, trying her hardest to remain calm. "And did you do that to make them get together?" 

"Yes, I did." 

Lily breathed again. She sure was getting a lot of oxygen tonight. "Why?" 

James smiled. "Because they're in love with each other." 

Lily blinked. Definitely not the reaction he was expecting, but he'll take it. "Really?" She asked in disbelief. 

"Mate, Sirius is my closest friend. I know love when I see it, yeah?" 

"I knew Sirius liked him…" 

Now it was James' turn to be surprised. "What? How?" 

"He told me earlier." 

"What! Why?" 

Lily waved him off. "Too long to explain, just listen. I don't think you should have locked them in a room together, that's for starters." 

"When were they going to talk to each other, then? Remus wasn't gonna go up to him, I had to take it into my own hands!" 

Lily put her hands on her hips. She was starting to look like his mother. "Take it into your own hands!?" 

James' palms began to sweat. "Okay, maybe that was the wrong choice of words, yeah? What I'm saying is, Sirius really cares about Remus, yeah? He's had a crush on him since fourth year." 

"Fourth year…" Lily's lips had parted slightly in surprise, just enough to emphasise her pink lip gloss. It was a beautiful shade, really brought out the natural color of her lips. James never thought he could be jealous of lip gloss… Oh, she's talking. "Listen, James. I know you want to see your friends happy, but I don't know if them dating is necessarily the best answer." 

"Lily, were you watching them tonight, on karaoke? Don't tell me you didn't see something there, yeah? They were obviously happy, even if Remus was trying real hard to hide it. And Sirius is absolutely obsessed with the bloke, yeah? And I think Remus needs a little push in the right direction, you know? Maybe he needs to… acknowledge his feelings a bit." 

"And he'll acknowledge his feelings by… being locked in a room with Sirius Black for an indefinite amount of time?" 

"Yes!" 

Lily stepped back, taking time to absorb all the information. It truly was a lot, and she seemed much less angry about it than James thought she'd be. "You surely are a character, Potter." 

"Thanks!" 

"It wasn't a compliment, but okay." She crossed her arms. "You need to unlock them first. But let me talk to Remus." 

"What are you going to tell him?" 

"I'm not going to tell him anything, mind you. Just ask him some questions." 

James leaned forward on his heels, practically bouncing. "Do you think he likes him back!?" 

"Oh, calm down, you mutt! I'm just saying, Remus has a tendency to ignore his feelings." 

"That's what I've been saying! He's just too self-deprecating for his own good, yeah?" 

Lily's face relaxed, not as disgusted or annoyed as she had been acting just hours before around him. "...Yes." 

"So you'll talk to him, yeah?" 

"Only if you let them out first." 

James pushed aside his hardly eaten bowl of cereal- snacks can wait!- and opened the kitchen door for her, gentleman style. "Upstairs guest bedroom to the right." 

"Oh, this will be fun." 

~ 

Remus Lupin loves Peter Pettigrew. He doesn't say that enough. It took some convincing and fifteen dreadful minutes, but he found the ladder and after another five minutes of helicopter guiding, set it up by the bedroom window. If only Victorian England had ladders like this, then Shakespeare would have had alot less to work with. 

As he landed on the soft grass thirty feet below, Remus turned to Peter and hugged him. Was this the first time he hugged Peter in two months? That's terrible. He hugged him more to make up for it. 

"Mate, let up, are you okay?" Peter said, voice slightly higher from lack of oxygen. 

Remus released him just as Sirius jumped next to them, hair windswept and smile as cocky as ever. 

"Fuck, am I glad to be outside," Sirius said. 

"You were locked up for about forty minutes," Remus replied. 

"Worst forty minutes of my life. I think I have stress-induced claustrophobia now." 

Maybe it was the fresh air, or maybe it was the feeling of guilt and anger being lifted off his shoulders, but Remus laughed. It was a dumb joke, even offensive in some contexts, but he laughed anyway. 

"So, are you guys okay now?" Peter asked. Remus looked at Sirius, who had stuffed his hands in his pockets and was staring at Peter. 

"Straight to the point, huh?" 

"What? I would like to know-" 

"Yes," Remus interjected, mainly to protect Peter from combusting. "We're okay now." Remus didn't catch the bright smile on Sirius' face, and the way he dug his chin into his chest. 

"Oh, cool! Damn, that took forever." 

"Yes, it did…" Remus turned to the other boy, who was looking down the street towards town. 

"Wormtail, can you give us a minute?" 

"Why?" 

"Because we need a minute." 

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, yeah, I'll, um, I'll go inside, I guess." Peter hustled back inside, leaving Remus and Sirius in the front lawn, party wild and rambunctious behind them. It was almost unsettling being there, like time moved differently in that patch of grass they were standing on. It moved slower there, careful not to touch anything, careful to let the two boys be. 

"So." Sirius broke the silence. "I have my bike. The diner will be a five-minute drive." Remus agreed and followed him to where it was magically tied to a tree. 

"You still have that bike," Remus noticed. 

"Yeah, I left her here for a while. She's doing good." Sirius swung his legs over the seat and turned on the engine. For context, Sirius' bike, dubbed Minnie, went by she/her pronouns. "How's yours? The pedal pusher?" 

"Still falling apart. That bike is going to kill me one day." Remus made to get behind Sirius on the little space but froze before he could swing his leg. He was about to sit behind Sirius on a bike. That would be really close… When was the last time they had ridden together like that? With Remus' arms around his waist and their bodies close together like it was the only thing that mattered? 

Shit. This is not good. He shouldn't be thinking like this. He jumped behind Sirius too fast, so that the bike bounced under the sudden pressure. "Drive," he said, like they were in an action film and the manic millionaire was racing through the streets ahead of them. 

Sirius revved up the bike. "You're hungry?" 

"Oh, just go." 

Sirius just went. He rode fast enough that Remus was forced to hold on tighter and press his body into the other's. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine they were in his bed together on a windy day and the window couldn't be closed. 

Good thing he wasn't going to close his eyes and imagine that! 

Why did Remus agree to go on this trip? He didn't even want pancakes right then. But Sirius just had that charm that couldn't be denied, so here he was ditching a party to go to a diner like the reckless teenager he was.

Oh,  _ fuck,  _ Lily! He had just totally left Lily behind! What kind of friend was he? 

"I left Lily." The words were stolen by the wind too quickly for Sirius to understand. Before he could, the diner's bright florescent lights shone into view. Large red letters spelling  _ DECLAN'S DINER  _ burned into the night sky like capitalist stars above small rectangular eyes with windows burning yellow light. It looked like the kind of diner to have been passed down through generations for so long that the original Declan was dead for five years. 

Remus remembered the place; James' dad took them there when they first visited, spring break of their first year. They had a muggle jukebox, but he doubted they'd let him play anything at one am. 

They walked into the diner together and were seated at a booth, where they sat across from each other and a window right by them. From there, Remus could see the parking lot, the beginning of a street of muggle shops, and the occasional passing car. 

Remus didn't know what to say. There was so  _ much  _ to say, and so much of it vague and more of an emotion he wanted to share than a structured sentence. Looking at Sirius now, in his leather jacket and inky hair, it was a struggle to imagine this person living on the street, or somewhere else. 

"Where did you stay?" He mumbled. 

Sirius looked up from his menu- it was open at the breakfast section. "What did you say?" 

Remus stirred the straw in his glass of water. God, he wished he had a joint right now. It would make this so much easier. "Where did you stay when you got...." He couldn't say it. How could anyone say it? How could Sirius Black,  _ the  _ Sirius Black, the suave, punk, beautiful Sirius Black be… 

"Disowned?" Sirius said it loudly. He put power behind the two syllables. A passing waitress had to turn her head out of surprise. "I hung out with James and Peter during the day, planned the party." 

Remus stirred his drink so the ice clinked against the glass like waves on rocks. "And during the nights?" 

"Wherever I could." 

Remus stopped. "Why didn't you stay with him?" 

Sirius picked up the menu. "Can't steal from the guy." 

Remus wanted to scream. "We're not discussing the ethics of sleeping over at a friend's for a night, we're talking about you being homeless-" 

"I wasn't  _ homeless-"  _

"Oh? Then what were you? God, you're so stupid, you fucking dumbass…" Remus put his head in his hands. He felt like a father. Is this what fathers of teenagers feel like? God help them. 

"Remus, it isn't-" 

"Don't tell me this isn't that big of a deal." Remus breathed, trying to control his rising voice that was already beginning to draw attention. "You could have asked for help." 

For once, Sirius didn't have a comeback. 

Remus looked at the menu for the first time. He really shouldn't be hungry, but he was ravenous. And the pancakes did look good here. 

"Once," Sirius said, closing the menu and setting it aside, easing into his seat. "James, Peter, and I tried to find you at home." 

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Really?" 

He began to smirk. "Yeah, at the dead of night, too."

"You're full of genius ideas, Padfoot." 

"Please keep your amazement to a minimum. Anyway, we all went outside your house, and we saw the window to your bedroom open. We didn't want to start yelling at you because, duh, dead of night. So we found that basket of oranges by your front steps-" 

Remus slapped his hand on the table. "You did not." 

"What did I say about the comments-" 

"Did you throw oranges through my bedroom window?" 

Sirius' smirk turned into a full grin. "Technically, it was Prongs-"

"Like I believe that for a second-" 

"Okay, regardless of who threw what, our first orange got no response. So we sent a second orange." 

Remus couldn't help but laugh. He had gotten the full, hateful story from his cousin when he got home, but Sirius told it… differently. In his own way. In a way that Remus never could look away from. It was the same kind of story they'd share in their beds like at night during holiday, just themselves. That was a long time ago, and, honestly, Remus missed it. He tried to cover his face, pretend to be mad, but Sirius was wearing that shit-eating grin that was contagious. 

"And then suddenly the orange bounces back to us-" 

"Oh my  _ God-"  _

"And there's this person sticking their head out your window, cursing at us, we can't understand a word they're saying, it's midnight, and that person had quite an arm." 

"Did she throw it at your head?" Sirius' nod told enough, and Remus dropped his head in his arms. 

"I was hit in the head, yes, but I immediately recovered with my superhuman strength-" 

"Oh, shut up, shut up, I know you got a minor concussion from that thing. Diana plays muggle baseball over the summers." Remus snorted through his laughter, the way he does when he's laughing a little too hard, and Sirius put his chin in his hand. 

"I missed you," he said." 

"You're an idiot," Remus replied. 

"I really did miss you, though." 

Remus hoped he wasn't blushing. Please, God, don't be blushing. "I missed you too, dumbass." 

Sirius laughed. "Thanks. I wanted to tell you something." 

Neither of them were laughing anymore. Remus tried to keep the smile on his face. "What?" 

Sirius put his hands in his lap- an uncommon gesture, one that meant complete seriousness and vulnerability. "I wanted to say this for a while now, and now I think is the best time." Sirius was red, but was still sporting that charming smile. 

Why was Sirius blushing like that? What was that supposed to mean? Remus bit the inside of his cheek again. He was starting to put teeth marks in there from how often he was doing it tonight. 

"I wanted to tell you that I'm in love with you, Remus." 

Remus blinked. He blinked again. "You're…  _ what?"  _

Sirius kept eye contact. "I'm in love with you. Would you go on a date with me?" 

Forget a stone, there was a bottomless void in Remus' stomach, sucking every atom in his body through a vacuum to nothingness. There was no Remus anymore. Remus is gone. Leave a message at the beep. 

"Remus?" 

He looked at him. Really looked, taking in every pore. This was Sirius Black, sitting in front of him. His best mate. 

Remus smiled. Then he started to chuckle, then full on laugh again. 

"Sirius," he paused to breathe. "You're my best friend. You aren't in love with me." 

Sirius looked like he was just hit with another orange. "What?" 

"I know you. You aren't in love with me. It's impossible." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall! sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, but thank you to those who waited lmao! 
> 
> yell at me on my tumblr for which i will REFUSE to supply a theme. deal with it. (send me some prompts too!) proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


	12. trust

Sirius Black is staring. "What do you mean?" 

Remus Lupin is stirring his drink again. "You know what I said." 

The waitress walked over to their table with a yellow notepad. She looked like she was running on three cups of coffee that no one told her was decaf. "What would you like to order?" 

Remus handed her the menu without looking and ordered. Sirius Black was still staring. 

"Sirius." It should be mentioned that Sirius Black was staring at Remus Lupin. 

"Oh, um." What did he want again? "Just a water." 

The waitress scribbled everything down and walked away, indifferent to the trauma occurring a few feet away from her. If she knew just how badly Sirius messed everything up this time. 

"I'm not mad," Remus said. "I'm just… confused." 

"You're acting like I told you I was moving to Edinburgh." 

"Sirius-" 

"I do. I do love you." 

The words seemed to finally be reaching Remus. He looked down at the place mats as his face turned steadily red. Sirius could hear his heart beat and knew he messed up. 

"That's a little… strong," Remus finally said. "But thanks." 

Sirius' head was going to explode. Maybe it already had, and this is just the hallucinations. Maybe he's actually in the hospital right now for alcohol poisoning. He'd rather have alcohol poisoning than go through this.  _ "Thanks?"  _

Remus stood up, bumping his knees into the table. "I have to go-" 

Sirius followed him. "No, you don't-" 

"Yes, I do." Remus got out of the booth and walked towards the door. "I'm going home." 

"Let me walk you-"

"I'll be fine." The door closed with a chime as Remus walked through the dark parking lot, only the florescent lights above to guide him, quickly being lost in the shadows. He couldn't get out fast enough. 

Where had Sirius gone wrong? 

~

It's two in the morning and James Potter is tired. He's so tired he thinks he's hallucinating, which is why he grabs on to Lily Evans when they open to the door to the empty guest bedroom. Not because she smells like lemon cheesecake from his favorite restaurant that he only goes to on his birthday. Not at all. 

Lily Evans looks so serene right now. She looks like she doesn't belong at this party, like she shouldn't be holding a red solo cup of fruit punch James forced her to drink while looking for two (maybe drunk) friends. For once, she doesn't look like she's going to lose it in his presence. 

"James," she finally says after staring into the empty guest bedroom. 

"I don't know what happened, they were right here, I honestly-" 

"James," she says again, in the same peaceful tone. "Look at the window." The window was wide open, the breeze moving the curtains like a ghost. 

"Oh." 

"Oh." 

"I… don't know where they would have gone." 

"I didn't expect you too." Lily walked inside to the window. "Holy shit…" She looked over at James who had followed her and was right by her shoulder. "Did you have a ladder in here?" 

"A ladder? No, of course not!" 

Lily gestured to the ladder that led all the way down to the front lawn. It spoke for itself. "Where do you think they could have gotten this?" 

James looked out the window. "Oh, Merlin!" He threw himself to look at Lily, then back out the window. "This is the ladder from my shed, mate! How'd they even get this, the bastards?" 

Lily laughed. Lily Evans  _ laughed  _ at something James Potter said! Score! "It's impressive, I must say. Maybe Peter got it for them." 

"Peter- dear Merlin, of course it was Peter. Wouldn't put it past the bloke." He turned around to lean very casually against the window sill, not at all forced and perfectly charming. "So, Lily, what were you going to talk to Remus about?" 

Lily took a sip of the fruit punch. "None of your business." 

"Aw, don't be like that." 

"I think I will be like that, actually." She licked the juice off her lips, smirking. "But let me just say, when I do talk to him, I'm not going to force him towards Sirius." 

"I'm not asking you to organize a Love Island for them, but don't you think there's a spark somewhere?" 

"I think that what Remus feels is what Remus feels and that I shouldn't be meddling in that." Lily finished the rest of her drink, still maintaining eye contact. "Let me just say," she started twirling her hair nonchalantly, purposely looking away in a manner that made him squirm. James wondered if it was really as soft as it looks. "When we played spin the bottle earlier tonight, Remus was acting a little strange when Sirius had to spin. So, no, I don't think there's not a spark there. 

James jumped up, dropping his cool facade that always slipped around Lily. "So you do think Remus likes him back?"

"I think Remus has very little emotional intelligence." 

James could have kissed her. He could have kissed her if she was wearing a house-elf costume, but thats beside the point. "That's what I've been saying, mate! Once, when we were in third year-" 

Lily raised her hand, stopping his monologue about the very hilarious time Remus accidentally made Roisin McCarthy cry on Valentine's Day. She made her way to the door in three strides to listen to who was running up the stairs. 

Remus looked… awful. Emotionally exhausted, to be more specific. Remus looked like he had just discovered a new emotion, and James desperately wanted to know what it was. "Mate! Dear Merlin-" 

Lily grabbed him by the shoulders. "Remus John Lupin, where the hell have you been-" 

"Did you get the ladder?" James interjected with excitement. 

Remus' face was tinted pink. "Holy fuck, guys, let me breathe, I just ran two miles." 

Lily looked like the could cry from frustration. "Why were you running two miles, for goodness sake?" 

His eyes skirted around, looking for somewhere to hide. "I need to tell you something, Lily." 

"Were you with Sirius?" James asked. 

He paused. "Yes." 

"Oh, Merlin!" 

Remus turned to Lily, keeping his eyes in one place. "I'm sorry I left you, but I really need to tell you something right now." 

"Do you want to come in here?" Lily walked with him over to the bed and sat down. "James, go get us some water." 

"Lily, I'm fine-" 

"You just ran two miles and you look like your brain is on fire. You need water." In moments like these, James could imagine Lily as the mother of his eight children. Leading the future Potter army. Or maybe the Evans army? The Potter-Evans army? "James?" Oh, yeah, water. James rushed downstairs to the kitchen and filled two cups with tap water in fifty seconds, coming back to see Remus with his head in his hands staring at the floor. James handed him the glass and set the second on the bedside table for Lily. He'd make a great husband. 

"When you're ready," Lily said. 

"I don't know where to start…" 

"Start with how you got that ladder, mate," James said. 

"Or how about you start with how you locked Sirius and me in here?" 

"Touche…" 

Remus took a deep breath. "I don't really think it's that big of a deal…" 

"It's clearly bothering you," Lily said. 

"I might be overreacting…" 

"Just tell us what happened-" James said

"Oh my God fine." Remus took a sip of his water. "Sirius and I went to the diner in town and… he told me he loved me." 

"He told you  _ what now _ ?" She and James said in unison, in two completely different tones. Lily mumbled a prayer.  

"I don't believe him…" Remus muttered. 

"Um, I think you should!" 

"James!" Lily interjected.

"We went to the diner after we got out, and we were just going to get pancakes, and then he just comes out and says hey, I love you, will you go out with me?" Remus rushed, refusing to look at James and Lily's increasingly amused expressions. 

"Wait, slow down," Lily said, motioning for everyone to quiet down. "Remus, he said 'I love you, will you go out with me?'" 

Remus looked up for the first time in the conversation. "I know! That's ridiculous!" 

"Who says that?" 

"Exactly! I don't believe him." 

James jumped up from his spot on the bed to stand in front of Remus directly. "Hold on a minute, mate, he told you he loved him! What did you say?" Remus didn't respond. "Remus John Lupin,  _ what did you say?"  _

"Well, first I said 'what,'" Remus said to the floor. 

James crossed his arms. "And then what did you say?" Remus mumbled something. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you?" 

"I laughed at him." 

Lily sighed. "I hate men." 

James was incredulous. "So Sirius just bared his soul to you, and you  _ laughed?"  _

"He didn't  _ bear his soul- _ " 

"I think a love confession is the definition of baring your soul!"

"Am I… dreaming?" Lily said like a ghost. 

"But that's the thing!" Remus stood to match James. James was still three inches taller than him, so it didn't do much. "He can't love me! He's my best friend, it doesn't make sense!" 

"Do you hear yourself?" Lily and James said at the same time, now all of them standing. 

"Wow, Lily, we're so in sync-" James began before Lily cut him off. 

"Remus Lupin, I am sick and tired of hearing you go on about yourself like this!" she cried, concern and frustration making her voice wobbly.

"Okay, for the first time in my life this isn't coming from a place of self-deprecation!" Remus protested, hands in the air like he has caught in police headlights. "I just ran two miles and that gave me a lot of time to think so here is my list of reasons: Number one-" 

James started to laugh. "Moony this is the wildest shit-" 

"Sirius Black is projecting his insecurities onto me." 

"Wow!" Lily said. "So you're a psychologist now?" 

Remus started waving his hands in gestures that probably meant quite a lot in southern Italy. "He just got kicked out, he almost lost his best friend, he's been going through a lot, and now- here I am! And there he is, lonely as fuck! And, boom, we're both single! Number two: He has a concussion. He just got in a fight with his brother and he has a history of head injuries. He's delusional. Number three-" 

Lily grabbed his arm that was doing a variation of The Nutcracker three times the speed. "That's enough." 

"I have four more reasons-" 

"And we don't need to hear them. I know that the way Sirius stated his feelings was…" her left eye ticked, "brave. It was emotionally irresponsible and very, very stupid, but also brave. Has it ever occurred in your seven reasons that Sirius liked you before tonight? Before this summer, even?"

"Becuase he did," James added. "Since fourth year. It was so annoying, mate." 

Remus scoffed. "That's impossible." 

"No, it isn't. Is it so hard to believe that someone may like you romantically, Remus?" Lily asked. 

Remus shook his head. "No, he can't…" 

"Yes, he can! Moony, get it together. Did you realize on your mile run- which isn't even that much, by the way- that you like him too?" 

Remus' eyes widened. "I do?" 

"Potter!" 

James pushed Lily aside- very politely and with her consent, of course- and put his hands on his shoulders. "Moony. What are we going to do with you?" 

"You could let me go-" 

James chuckled. "Oh, no, you're not getting away that easy. Honestly, mate, do you view Sirius solely as a friend, nothing more at all?" 

"Yep," Remus stated. 

"Nothing at all? Not even when you were singing tonight? Or when he touched you on stage-?" 

"Raised platform-" 

"I'm speaking. How about when you found out about how he got disowned? You didn't feel anything more than platonic love for him? Or maybe when you two would share beds in the dorm-" 

Remus turned bright red. Lily looked very confused. "You better shut your mouth," he hissed. James only grinned louder. 

"That was all platonic? Or maybe during spin the bottle tonight? You were fine watching him kiss other birds, because you're only friends, right?" This was the brightest James had ever seen him blush. He looked like he could crumble from lack of blood flow to his legs. He wasn't responding. "Right, Remus?" 

"I want a lawyer…" he mumbled. 

James' face was about to break from laughing and smiling so much. "I think that's a yes! Someone likes Sirius Black! Someone likes Sirius Black  _ real bad!"  _ He shook Remus, who was still bright red and being manhandled. "Someone has a  _ crush!"  _

"Like you're one to talk!" Remus yelled, beginning to crack. 

"Like  _ you're  _ one to talk! I knew you were in love with him since the start, I did-" 

Remus pulled his hands off his shoulders, making a strangling sound from frustration. "Oh my God, it's not love! Lily, it's not love, right?" Lily only shrugged her shoulders while sipping her water from a peaceful end of the bed, where the was watching the entire spectacle. James pushed Remus onto the bed and started tickling his ribs. 

"Admit you do! Admit you're in love with him!" 

"A little louder, James, I don't think they heard you in Australia," Lily commented. 

_ "Fuck you-!"  _

James dug in harder, causing Remus to gasp. "Admit it!" 

"Okay, enough." Lily pried James off of Remus, who was glad at the chance to breathe and return to a normal complexion. "Remus, you need to tell Sirius how you feel." 

"Why would I do that?" he panted. 

James jumped in. "So you two can get married on a beachside when the sun is setting and you can invite the entire Gryffindor house and everyone living in Italy because Merlin knows how big your family is-"

"Now you're just projecting…" James scribbled his fingers across Remus' stomach to shut him up, causing him to do just the opposite. 

"Don't sass me, mate. Tell him you're in love with him! What can go wrong, yeah?" 

"Seven things-" 

"You don't need to go down the list-" Lily added. "For the first and probably last time, I agree with Potter." 

"Thank you!" 

"Not exactly a compliment but okay. You need to let yourself be happy. Speaking of that… where is Sirius?" 

Remus bit his cheek. "I left him at the diner. I don't think he left." 

James clapped his hands, lighting a mischievous glint in his eye. "Then we're off to the diner, yeah?" 

Remus sat up. "Wait- we're all going?" 

"Yes, because if we didn't, you'd chicken out," Lily said, getting up and stretching. 

"That's not true-" 

"Yes it is," they both said in unison. James and Lily were becoming a unit now. He could sense it. It made his heart warm. 

"Off we go, then." James grabbed Remus' arm and off they went. 

~

Forget butterflies, there were wasps in Remus Lupin's stomach right now. 

Standing right outside the diner, Remus was reminded of how bright neon lights can be. There had to be a federal law against how bright this sign above him is. The red and blue light spilled into the parking lot, splashing purple on the concrete. 

James rushed up to the door, forgetting him and Lily behind. He swung it open and turned back, an obnoxious grin on his face. He had probably been dreaming about this day, maybe even planned the whole party for this to happen. The thought made a wasp stick itself directly in Remus' side. He had walked right into this. 

"So, I maybe forgot to tell you guys something…" he said, eyes fixed on the flickering N on the sign, so it periodically read  _ DECLAN'S DIRE.  _ Fitting name for what was about to happen inside. 

"Yeah, mate?"James asked, leaning against the door. 

"Well, after Sirius… confessed-" Remus was about to throw up. Sirius  _ confessed  _ to him. Sirius Black doesn't fucking  _ confess.  _ "I… I fucking thanked him."

Lily flipped her head to him. Remus never thought he'd get an individual Glare from her, but here it is now. "You did  _ what?"  _

The blood rushed up to his face so fast it made him dizzy. "I didn't- what else was I supposed to say?" 

"Literally anything else!" 

James was cackling five feet away. "Oh, mate, didn't know you were that terrible! Good luck tonight!" 

"James!" Lily crossed her arms and bit back an eye roll. She wasn't looking very sympathetic at that moment. "Remus, you need to go in there and tell him how you feel, okay? Just let it all out." 

Remus wondered how to tell her that was exactly what he couldn't do. Lily put her hand gently on his back, walking him towards the diner. With every step, he was amazed that he didn't fall into anaphylactic shock. 

"We'll wait for you," she said. James gave him two very big thumbs up as they passed inside the restaurant. The waitress' left eye twitched as she looked at them from the counter across the room. Remus hoped Sirius wasn't in here, that he left or went back to the party. But Remus knew he had nowhere else to go. Not even Sirius could be that reckless and head out into town somewhere, slightly hungover and wandless, right? 

Sirius was in the diner. The wave of relief made Remus' wasps fly up his throat so he couldn't speak. Now would be a great time for anaphylactic shock. Anytime, really. Sirius didn't notice him, staring out the window instead. If he had gotten any food, it was cleared from the table. All that was on it was a white coffee mug with steam rolling off the top. Remus wanted to paint the scene, momentarily forgetting that he doesn't know how to paint. He could have watched Sirius like that forever, never telling him anything, just watching like this in a diner twenty minutes to two in the morning. 

James pushed him forward, reminding Remus that the last time he painted was when he was six and with fingerpaints. (His mother still has the picture- it was supposed to be a bird. What it is now is up for interpretation.) Remus is no longer six. He is sixteen and James Potter is telling him that the love of his life is right in front of him! 

Remus is sixteen and walking over to Sirius Black, who breaks his reverie and notices him. Remus is close enough to notice that his mug is very much full and untouched, without even the usual disgusting amount of milk and sugar he puts into it. It is in this moment he realizes that the coffee was probably for him.

The wasps have ripped apart Remus' vocal cords. Sirius just stares at him. They just stare at each other. That's all they do. Remus can feel James' eyes on the back of his neck, forcing him to do something. James is being very inconsiderate about the wasp situation. 

"Hi," Remus says, James' mind control finally boring into him. His arms feel heavy. They're dragging him down. He stuffs them in his hoodie pockets. 

"Hi," Sirius responds. Remus notices that they're making eye contact now. They have been making eye contact this entire time, but he only notices now that Sirius has eyes. They're pretty eyes. They're a light gray like the feathers on owls, and they pop against his darker skin. James must have been right: Remus knows that Sirius is very, very, very pretty. (But he is not right about the love part and never will be. Remus needs to make this clear: he is  _ not  _ in love with Sirius Black. He just has eyes.) 

Remus feels Lily's eyes join in with staring at the back of his neck. He can almost see her arms being crossed in anticipation right now. "Can we talk? Outside, maybe?" 

"What?" Sirius asks. Still with the eye contact. 

It occurs to Remus that he has been speaking very, very quietly. "I said, can we talk outside? Just for a moment? Please?" Sirius nods and his heart swells. He doesn't need to turn around to know that James is clapping for him. 

They walk out into the parking lot, entering the sea of purple. They stand under a lamp post that doesn't work very while. It's just enough light to see Sirius in, how his hair is sliding down his shoulders, absorbing the purple around them. Sirius looks good in purple. 

"I won't take it back," Sirius says, same Gryffindor dedication. "But if you don't feel the same way…" Something breaks in his face- a small crack, but it can't hide the glow that's spilling out. "Then I'm fine with just being friends." 

"I know," Remus says. Remus knows he doesn't feel the same way and he knows James Potter is wrong about his feelings. He knows what he's feeling. He just can't seem to speak when he's looking at Sirius in this purple light. 

One of the first things Remus ever learned about Sirius is that he doesn't break eye contact. Ever. Being raised in a royal pureblood household taught him that eye contact is respect, and to respect everyone around him. He might not be a Black anymore, but he can still look Remus in the eyes. And when he looks Remus in the eyes, he can't look away. It's the equivalent of grabbing his wrist, his face, forcing him to stay. Sirius Black doesn't need to move to touch Remus. 

"I wanted to say that I want to be your friend," he begins. "I want you in my life again. I want to go back to the way it was." 

"Me too," he says quietly. "Did I fuck it up?" 

Remus smiles. How can Sirius make him smile in moments where he definitely should not be smiling? (Shut up, Prongs!) "No, you didn't." 

"That's good to know." 

They're looking at each other again. They seem to be doing that a lot lately. 

Everything Lily and James told him to say washes out of his mind like sand sculptures by smooth waves. All he can do is look. And there's a lot to look at. 

Remus doesn't think it can ever go back to the way it once was. To the way everything once was. If Lily Evans taught him anything, it was that now is the best time to change something. To change everything. 

"Fuck it," Remus says, not moving. Still looking, still smiling. 

"Fuck… what?" Sirius says tentatively. He begins to smile too. 

Remus Lupin- yes, this Remus Lupin, the one you've been reading about for twelve chapters- grabbed Sirius Black's face in both hands- both bloody hands- and kissed him. 

The wasps in his stomach turned into James Potter's in his head whooping in Quidditch gear with signs that read  _ MOONSFOOT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!  _

Sirius tastes like lemons and his skin feels like silk. Remus doesn't mind the color purple anymore. Remus doesn't mind that Sirius' hands are on his shoulders. Remus doesn't mind that he's in a diner parking lot at two am because everything is purple and yellow when kissing Sirius Black. 

And he pulls away. 

Remus thinks he could kiss Sirius forever but he pulls away after twenty whole seconds because Remus Lupin is still Remus Lupin and he thanks people who tell him they love him. Remus wants to kiss Sirius again but right now they're back to looking at each other- it always comes back to looking at each other, doesn't it? 

And Remus starts to laugh again. Small laughter that bubbles up into dropping his head onto Sirius' shoulder, leaving him shaking and covering his face. 

"You're laughing a lot tonight," Sirius comments. 

"Shut up, you absolute fucking idiot." 

Sirius wraps his arms around him. "You love me." 

"I want you to die in a fucking fire." Remus wants to kiss him again. Remus wants to kiss him again and again and again because Sirius Black tastes like lemons and he's purple and he's a fucking lunatic that he wants ten feet away from him at all times. 

"Watch your language, Moons-" 

And they're kissing again. 

Remus Lupin never thought he'd describe himself as giddy. 

(He's fucking giddy.) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me on the hell site proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com
> 
> thanks for keeping up with my terrible posting schedule yall ex dee


	13. excited

Lily Evans tried to meditate once by listening to a podcast by a Buddhist woman with a soothing voice and waves crashing in the background. The voice told her to listen to the white noise around her, feel the floor underneath her, smell the air around her, and just accept it. Not try to change it, not try to understand it, just accept it and let it go. 

Lily could not stick with meditation very long. 

From a booth in the diner with cushions that stuck to her thighs like jello, Lily watched Remus and Sirius stand in a parking lot for four minutes and not do anything. For four minutes she sat with her chin in her hand, eyes focused on two figures in the dark, waiting for something to happen. 

Until something happened. 

The two figures shifted. They were closer, becoming one. Lily blinked six times but it didn't change. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it was happening. She watched them, every inch of them, watched the light bounce off of them and how their shadows grew or shrunk with every move, and she did everything but let it go. 

"Holy  _ shit!  _ Is that- no, they can't, they can't-" 

"Oh they  _ fucking  _ are!" James Potter had jumped up from his seat in the booth, smile so wide and amazed you would think he just saw God themself. Lily thought he might scream for joy. "I can't believe it, Lily, look!" 

"I see!" His excitement was contagious. She adjusted her position to push herself closer to the mirror, like a child on a drive-through tour at the zoo. She didn't know whether to be aggravated that they were doing something as foolish as this, or elated that Remus had some balls after all. 

"They're doing it! Dear Merlin- those are my best friends! Those are my best friends!" A waitress began to march up to them, eyes on fire, but James was too elated to be scolded at by management. "My best friends are kissing out there," he told her, still beaming. "Look!" 

Lily was still staring out the window. She watched one of the figures pull away- that had to be Remus. She couldn't pull herself away. James was right behind her being practically dragged out but she just sat there. 

The figure that walked away took another step back, and then another. He was retreating. Why was Remus retreating? The other figure- Sirius, who was harder to make out in this light- followed. Lily found herself entranced. James had to violently shake her by the shoulder to get her out of the reverie. 

"Where are they going?" Lily shook her head. 

"Sir," the waitress behind them yelled. "I need both of you to leave-" 

"Merlin, we're heading out!" James said, exasperated but with that same smile. Lily unstuck herself from the booth with a painful snap and slid out as the waitress followed them. 

"If you come back I'm calling the police!" The waitress hissed as James was halfway out the door, bolting to his friends. "Do you understand me?" 

Lily turned around. "And what will you tell them?" she said, before following James and attempting to run through the dark parking lot in heels. 

The cool air hit her like a bucket of water at high noon in July. James was already by the two boys, talking to them and waving his arms like he was guiding an airplane. She didn't need to be close to hear their conversation. 

"So when's the wedding? Can I be the best man?" he asked, thrilled. 

"There is no wedding! No one is getting married!" That was definitely Remus. "Prongs-" 

"I'm just teasing, Moony, relax-" 

"Lily?" Sirius noticed her as she approached. He was the only one not frantically yelling. "Why are you here?" 

"Glad to see me, Black?" She knew he was remembering their moment in the kitchen. He swallowed nervously but kept his smile under her gaze. 

"Glad as always, Evans." 

"Good." 

"So we just got kicked out of that diner, probably banned for life," James said, oddly proud. "So I say you all head over to my place where Moony and Padfoot can get two separate beds because even I say it's too early in the relationship for-" 

_ "Jesus fucking Christ,  _ have you ever had a rational thought in your life?" Remus exclaimed, causing the rest of them to laugh. It was fun watching him get flustered, especially in a situation like this. 

Lily realized the ache in her knees when James mentioned bed, and immediately remembered that she promised her mum she'd be home by one- and even that was a stretch. She turned to James. "It's been a great night, James, and thank you for the offer, but my mum is going to kill me-" 

"You're not flooing home, are you?" James asked. "Lils, you aren't sober and it's three in the morning, yeah? You're not flooing. Neither are you, Moony. Everyone is staying at my place, no arguments." 

Sirius raised his hand politely. "Excuse me, mom, but, if I remember correctly, isn't there a rager currently taking place at your home?" 

James' face slowly dropped with realization. "...Huh. There is. We have to fix that, yeah?" 

"And how will we be doing that?" James just shrugged. Lily couldn't find a way to be annoyed. 

~

Remus Lupin's head is spinning. Is this what drug withdrawal is like? Is this why addicts keep crawling back to alcohol because staying away from it feels like your hands are melting and you can't see straight? That must be it. 

Remus isn't looking at Sirius. He can't bear it, but he needs him by his side. The four of them are walking back to the party and Sirius is on his left and that's the way it needs to be or Remus will fall into a pothole that leaves to a special place in the crater of the earth made just for him. But if he looks at Sirius- if he tries to touch him, or his lips taste him again- he might just burn up on the spot. 

If Remus dies before he makes it home, tell his mom it was because of Sirius Black and his lemon chapstick. 

Sirius and James are talking. Remus isn't listening. Lily is asleep standing up. It's almost like nothing had happened, like they were still fifth years and they were walking home from a fun dinner. Why had nothing changed? 

They arrived at the Potter Manor to see that it had considerably emptied, but the music still at full blast. People were passed out on the furniture while others were making out or drinking in a corner. It was the sight of the party's dying breath. 

James, the brave soul he was, turned off the stereos and magnified his voice with a simple spell so everyone in the house could hear it. "Yo, party people, y'all need to  _ head on out!"  _ The message was repeated until Lily could finish waking everyone up and dragging the drunks out the door as Sirius called the Knight Bus. During this time, they found Peter passed out in the bathtub with a bird they didn't recognize- probably a homeschooler who found herself an invite. They decided to tease him about it in the morning after finding him a bed.

Once everyone was out and the lights were restored to the color they were supposed to shine the group was faced with the aftermath of the craziest party of the century. 

"It looks like a tornado threw up on your place, mate," Sirius remarked. 

"I'm too tired to whoop your ass right now, Padfoot. Be grateful, yeah?" James began picking up the solo cups that littered the living room. "Shit, this is a mess… Y'all can just find a bedroom and make yourself comfortable. I can lend you some clothes if you need." They all thanked him quietly, not having enough energy to do anything but find a bed immediately and sleep in it. Remus was already wearing some of James' clothes and they were quite comfortable, so he headed towards the same guest bedroom he had escaped that night from. He didn't make it up the stairs before Sirius noticed and caught up with him. 

"Wait," he said, jogging slightly to meet him. It said a lot after all the energy they spent night. "Trying to get rid of me so fast?"

Remus bit down the heat that was rising up his face. He was too tired for this. He usually liked to face the consequences of his drunk actions the morning after, with a debilitating hangover and seven gallons of water by his side. 

"You never accepted my offer," Sirius said, leaning against the banister. Remus asked himself why this was the bloke he decided to kiss this night. Fuck, he never even told Sirius he liked blokes. Why didn't he do that! In retrospect, it was a very irresponsible thing to do: kiss the bloke who thinks you're straight. But you are who you run with, aren't you? 

He spun the possible words in his head, trying to pick the right ones without his eyes giving away just how much thought was going into this. "You're very bold, you know. Asking for a date after a love confession like that." 

"I can say the same about you." Sirius was smirking, coming back with a remark without hesitation. Still holding the eye contact. Still looking. 

Remus couldn't keep up. Conversations with Sirius didn't allow for breathers, and he was already disadvantaged.  "Let me think about it, Pads. I don't like to rush into things." 

"You're very contradicting." 

"I've been called a tease." 

Sirius laughed- the wholehearted laugh he loved (not that he loved anything about Sirius Black). "I can see why." 

Remus made it to the top of the steps before looking back. How is Sirius able to still look put together after a night like this? "Remember what Prongs said: separate beds." 

"Don't worry, I'm a man of chivalry." Sirius grabbed Remus' hand and kissed it. It was a gesture done a million times before by both of them, silly and melodramatic. It didn't change how it made Remus blush. "Until tomorrow." 

"Until tomorrow…" 

Sirius went back downstairs to sleep in James' pull out like he always did, but not before giving Remus an exaggerate wave like the Queen. 

Remus still doesn't know what he'll do tomorrow. 

~ 

James Potter is a morning person, even after consuming the record amount of one glass of alcoholic punch and overreacting when getting tipsy for the first time. He wondered if he should fake a hangover, but then realized how pathetic that thought alone was and tossed it aside. 

Lily was the first person to wake up and meet him in the kitchen. She had slept in his parent's bedroom in one of his band shirts that fell over her like water. With her messed up hair and smudged eyeliner, she would have made a great groupie for The Ramones. 

"Good morning," he said immidiately upon seeing her enter the kitchen. She sat on the seat closest to the door, rubbing her temples. 

"I can see sound," she mumbled. 

James noted that hangovers involved seeing noises. That would come in handy for future reference. "Would you like some cereal?" 

"I don't think I can swallow anything right now." 

"You need something in your body. You can drink water, yeah?" 

"Yeah…" James got up and filled her a glass of cold water from the tap. He used one of the cups with flowers painted on them that his mother reserved for special occasions. Lily Evans was in his house wearing his shirt- this was definitely a special occasion. 

She took the glass and gulped it down like a dying man. "Fuck, I'm so thirsty…" Her voice was hoarse, a voice James never thought he'd hear from her (not that he necessarily minded). She observed the glass, spinning it around in her hand. "Nice glass." 

He blushed. "Thank you. We got it at a flea market last spring. Came with a whole set, too." 

She cocked an eyebrow. "You mean to tell me you have a whole array of dishes and cutlery with these roses and lilies on them?" 

Was she making fun of him? "They're very nice dishes." 

She set the glass down on the table, smiling to herself. "Thank you, James. You're not such a dick as I thought you were." 

He brightened, almost dropping her glass as he went to refill it. "Really?" 

"Don't get me wrong, you're still a prick… Just not as much of a prick than you let on." 

"Is that you telling me I have a sparkling personality?" 

"I take it all back. You're terrible and I want a restraining order." 

James smiled. "That's my Lily." 

Sirius was the next to wake up after an hour. He found them in the living room watching a wizarding game show about ancient trivia. 

"Good morning, Padfoot!" Sirius responded with a grunt that could only signify  _ my mind is deteriorating due to lack of water.  _ James let him sit down in his seat as he got him a glass. 

It took another forty minutes for Remus to wake up at one-thirty in the afternoon. He was greeted with applause from the three of them and requests to make food. 

"Why am I the one who has to cook? I don't live here," he asked, the first words leaving his mouth that day. 

"Because you make the best pancakes and you're Italian," Lily said, lying down and having her hair braided by Sirius.

"Pancakes aren't even an Italian thing. Italians don't even eat breakfast usually, they just have a biscuit and some coffee in the morning and off they go-" 

"Moons, you're the second least hungover out of all of us, and the least hungover person here couldn't cook to save his life," Sirius defended. He turned his head around to see him and did the worst puppy eyes he could. It never worked, but Remus was tired and hungry and  _ stupidly in love!  _

"Fine." 

"Yay!" All three of them said. 

"You all sound dead." 

"Dead with hunger," Lily replied. She was really starting to blend in with the group now. 

"We'll have to give you a Marauder name, Lily," Sirius said. "I call for Doe." 

"Goodness, no, I'd rather die than be inaugurated as a Marauder. I have responsibilities to uphold." 

After eating pancakes in an offhand pillow fort that collapsed around the edges, James noticed something: Sirius was on the left side of this fort, lower body completely outside the bounds and separated by a simple sheet that fell from the chair a foot away. Between him was James, Lily, and Peter, who had arrived just thirty minutes before. On the opposite end was Remus, plate still in hand and legs neatly crossed to remain in the fort, upper body draped across him and Peter. 

Sirius and Remus were on opposite ends of this fort. That made James think. 

"I'm thinking," he announced. 

"Congratulations," Sirius responded. 

James adjusted himself so he was staring at him, accidentally elbowing Remus in the process. "It's funny you mention that, Sirius, because what I'm thinking about actually concerns you." 

"Really? Now I'm worried." 

"Stop being a sarcastic little shit and talk to me outside the fort-" 

"Woah, woah, woah!" Peter said, throwing his arms out to stop any motion. "You guys are going to destroy the castle if you keep acting like this!" 

Sirius shushed him with his finger. "Not to worry, Wormtail, I am a master of grace and agility. It is Prongs we must worry about." With that, he slid out of the fort, leaving not even a dent behind. James took some more time, having to army crawl of the fort and reassemble bits of the ceiling as his "outrageously freakish legs," as described by Remus, pushed over the occasional chair. He popped up victoriously to find Sirius outside, arms crossed and unimpressed. 

"What's up?" he asked. 

"I demand answers!" James stage-whispered. "You're not going to leave your best friend in the dark about this!" 

"About what?" Sirius said, repressing a chuckle. 

"About the Queen of England's coming out party. About last night, you dolt!" 

"The Queen of England came out last night? Why didn't you tell me, Prongs? Now I have to rush and get her a gift-" 

"If you guys are going to talk about this, can you at least do it so we don't have to hear every word you're saying?" Remus asked from inside the fort. James didn't need to see his face to know it was bright red. 

"I love you, Moons-" 

"Fuck off, Pads." 

James interrupted Sirius' elaborate air kiss to grab his wrist and pull him down the hall to the bathroom. This must be what his mother felt like when he had to drag him away from store windows as a toddler, except that Sirius was much, much heavier than a toddler. When they arrived in the bathroom, James pushed him into the wall and put his hands on his hips. "Well, someone had an eventful night, didn't they?" 

"Well, yeah, the Queen of England came out."

"You fucking dolt, mate, be sensible with me. What happened with Remus?" Despite all his efforts, James' face broke out into a mad, mischevious grin on the last word, transforming to a bird at a slumber party. At least Sirius was starting to break, too. 

"You saw what happened-" 

"Who started it? Was it you? What were you thinking-" 

"No, mate, it was him-" 

James slapped him on the shoulder. "No fucking way! Merlin, he did? Good job!" He pulled Sirius into a hug, almost cutting off his breathing until James remembered another thing to say and let him down. "Wait- then why aren't you guys talking?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I haven't seen y'all talk to each other face to face since before last night. And you guys weren't sitting together in the fort, or talking on the walk back-" 

"We don't have to be on top of each other all the time, Prongs-" 

"Then why are y'all acting like it never happened? Embrace your love-"

"I'm trying, okay?" Sirius pushed James off his body, suddenly defensive. "I don't know... Remus seems to be pulling away. Merlin, I don't know what's going on with him. I was thinking about asking him out today-" he caught James' eye and bit his lip. "Yes, for the second time… I was going to do it, but now I'm not so sure…" 

James pondered it, pressing his fingers together against his lips. "Should I talk to him?" 

"You'll just be making it worse." 

"I'm sure he's not angry with you, okay? Moony is just not aware of his emotions sometimes." 

Sirius scoffed. "Tell me about it." 

James grabbed him by both of his shoulders in the good pep talk stance. "Sirius Black, you are my best friend. Remus Lupin is also my best friend. And you two want to be more than best friends." With a glint in his eye, he tightened his grip. "I can make that happen." 

They went back to the pillow fort to find it being dissembled- not a big deal, as it was only two sheets and some chairs. "What's going on here?" 

Remus shrugged apologetically as he folded a sheet. "I'm sorry guys, but it's three in the afternoon and I promised my mom I'd be home and sober more than fifteen hours ago. When I get home I'll be sentenced to three years shackled to my bed." He tossed the sheet, now in a neat square, onto the bed. "Let's not make it four." 

James wanted to scream. Granted, he wanted to scream often, but this was not going to be a good scream. "You're leaving?" 

Lily walked up to him and handed him the other sheet, equally folded. "I'm on the same boat. It's been a time, James. I'll see you in September." 

James turned to Sirius and could see all the possibilities running through his head. "Can I talk to you first, Remus?" 

Remus looked at him for an awkward second before ducking his head and grabbing his clothes that he probably grabbed while they were out. "I really need to go-" 

"I'll be fast." James had never seen Sirius plead. 

"I have to change." Remus rushed off to the bathroom, leaving a trail of smoke behind. 

Sirius put his head in his hands. "Jesus fucking Christ-" 

"It's not over!" 

"You saw the way he ran!" James turned to Lily for consolation, but all she offered was a shrug. 

"I don't know what's up with him, either. But I don't think he totally doesn't want to be with you, Sirius." 

"Then what does he want?" 

Sirius' sentence was punctuated by the sound of footsteps running towards him, followed by Remus himself. "I know I'm going to be grounded forever," he said, blushing from before he even began speaking. "But as soon as I'm free, you and I-" Remus pointed at Sirius, directly at his chest. Sirius looked like he might faint. "You and I are going on a… oh, fuck-" he waved his hand in the air, breaking eye contact for the first time. 

"Date?" James, Lily, and Peter filled in. 

"Yes, that's it." Remus didn't look back up from his shoes, instead smacking himself in the forehead. "Yes, that thing. That's what you and I are going to do. I don't know when or what we're going to do but-" 

"I'll meet you at your place, eight o'clock next Saturday." Sirius was smirking. Only his beaming eyes could give his excitement.  

Remus pushed his chest away. "You better not, Black." 

"Don't act like you won't sneak out-" 

"I'm going home." He looked between the four of them, walking backward toward the Floo. "I'll write," he said, before tossing a handful of Floo powder from the bowl on the coffee table and vanishing in the green fire. 

The silence was deafening. James could still hear Remus' words in his head. It was the kind of silence in theatres, after the end of the first act, when an actor just gave the performance of a lifetime and the audience was still processing it. 

"I guess you know what he wants now…" Peter commented. 

Sirius ran his hands through his hair slowly, pulling through every knot. His smirk fully broke like glass, letting the cracks of his euphoria shine through as he fought for composure. "Should I get him flowers?" He breathed after what felt like an hour. 

James finally exhaled and started giggling. "Get him roses." 

"Aren't you coming on a little too strong? Save the flowers for the second date," Peter added, joining in on the fun. 

"Is it coming on strong if you've known each other for five years already? I say the flowers." 

"You're all ridiculous," Lily said. 

"You've chosen a terrible group to fall into, Evans," Sirius said, causing her to cross her arms and head upstairs for her things. 

"Oh, just be quiet already and start on your vows." 

James was beaming. "No need to worry about that, Lils, Padfoot began working on his in fourth year!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell @ me on the hell site proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com
> 
> hope u liked this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 ex dee


	14. epilogue

Chapter 14

epilogue

The world does not deserve Remus Lupin. The universe is not worthy of his kindness, his wit, his amazing sense of humor, his hair that curls like waves in the Pacific, his too big sweaters that smell like chocolate, his freckles that splatter across his face like paint being flicked off a brush, the way his voice breaks when Sirius Black says he looks good tonight. And that is why Sirius Black is standing in front of the Lupin home at eleven in the evening on this Friday night, telling Remus, who’s just wearing pajama bottoms and a hoodie, that he looks very good tonight. 

“That’s not relevant.” 

“I think it is.” 

“You think many irrational things, like that it’s okay to show up to my house after I explicitly told you not to.” 

“But I also think your eyes look pretty in this light.” 

Remus punches him in the shoulder, pretending to be angry. Sirius sees right through it: no angry person could be smiling this much. “You need to leave. My family will kill me if they see me with you.” 

Sirius laughs. “Is your family awake right now? Let me take you somewhere, I promise you’ll be back before curfew.” 

“And where will you not be taking me?” 

“To the beach that’s only a ten-minute walk away, where we can eat the chocolate I brought and we can officially have our first date.” 

Remus stuffs his hands in his pockets, slowly relaxing. “I thought I was the one taking you on the date?” 

“Say what you want, I’m happy either way.” 

Remus suppresses a laugh, scared of waking somebody or letting Sirius know just how flustered he is right now. “Romantic.” 

“Dork.” 

“Good comeback.” 

“I learn from the best.” 

Sirius grabbed Remus’ wrist, pulling him out into the street. It was cold and the air was losing it’s familiar scent of sea salt and oranges as summer came to a close. But somehow, as Remus wrapped his arms around his waist on the motorbike, Remus still smelt the same: chocolate and honey. 

“You’re going to wake the whole town with this,” Remus said. 

“Not if you don’t scream on the way there.” 

Remus chuckled against him, his body subtly shaking against Sirius’. After seven years of Catholic education, Sirius can proudly say the experience was holy. “When have I ever screamed while riding your motorbike?”  

“Four times.” 

“Not true.” 

Sirius slowly turned on the engine, casting a quick silencing charm. “We’ll settle this on the beach.” 

The beach relied on being serene. It was as if a single word could have interrupted the flowing of the tides. But the water was allowed to splash against the rocks and the white foam was allowed to reflect the moonlight. Remus held Sirius’ hand as he led him down the sandy path, as if inviting him to meet his parents. They’ve been here before, but never alone, and never so late. Sirius unfolded the picnic blanket dangerously close to the waterline, daring the waves to come up to them. It was hard to decide whether that would ruin or perfect the night. 

“Now I feel bad,” Remus said as Sirius brought out a container of strawberries. “I didn’t bring anything for this.” 

“You brought yourself, that’s enough.” Remus ducked his head, eliciting a laugh from Sirius. 

“Can you say two sentences without flirting? Please?” 

“It’s hard when you’re around-” 

Sirius could see his blush in the dark. “Jesus Christ-” 

“Just sit already.” Sirius tugged on his hand until Remus dropped himself next to him, both boys facing the horizon. 

“We’re too close to the water.” 

“You worry too much.” 

“I’m sorry if I don’t want to go home damp.” Remus grabbed a strawberry and bit into it, covering his mouth when the juice rolled down his chin. Sirius did the same, searching for boats or for Africa. Africa was in this direction, wasn’t it? Remus told him once that an African kingdom called the Moors settled in Sicily for a while because there was only a two-hour boat ride from there to the tip of the continent. This wasn’t Sicily, but the world was still out there, just out of reach, only two hours away, and Remus Lupin was right next to him, eating a strawberry. 

“Hey, Pads?” 

“Moons?” 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” 

Sirius thought about it for a second. He never thought about it too hard- he knew he had the family fortune to fall back on when he came of age. “I don’t know that much. I like music. And potions, I’m good at potions.” 

“You could be a healer.” 

“I could also brew alcohol.” 

Remus laughed- more than the chuckle from before. “You’d be a great brewer.” 

“The world is at my fingertips, Moons. And what about you?” 

Remus sighed, dropping his head against his shoulder. “I want to be happy.” 

Sirius smiled, holding back a laugh when he realized Remus wasn’t joking. “Romantic.” 

“Dork.” 

“Good comeback.” 

“Kiss me.” 

“Okay.” 

~

James Potter used to joke that the Marauders were formed by default. He still does, it’s a good joke, but now he must add on. The truth is: the Marauders were formed by default and a collective impulse to do things they shouldn’t. James does not feel the need to elaborate on the last part, other for the fact that Lily Evans has proven herself qualified on that note. Along with the fact that said Lily Evans chose to spend her free time at the party with James (and mostly with James, thank you very much),  he knew it was time. 

“I’m not joining a cult.” 

“It’s not a cult!” 

“You’re not proving your point with all the incense, Peter. Can we even have incense on the train?” Peter looked disappointed, opting to fix up the alignment of the Chocolate Frog cards instead of joining the conversation. 

“Look, you made Peter sad,” Sirius said, taking great pleasure in watching the ceremony. 

“Lils, I assure you the Marauders are not a cult. The incense is ceremonial,” James explained. The smoke was starting to turn the air of the train compartment a light pink, exactly how it was the first time they did it. “We’re just giving you a Marauder name, yeah? You said you were okay with it.” 

Lily crossed her arms, a bit cramped from being the fifth person in a train compartment meant for four and no incense. “When you said, ‘We’re giving you a Marauder name on the way to school,’ I thought you meant we would be brainstorming a silly animal-based nickname for me. I did not imagine we would be lighting incense with Chocolate Frog cards an hour before we become sixth years and have to focus on our non-cult future.” 

“You need to understand the history of the cult, Evans,” Sirius explained. He was sitting with Remus, seemingly unbothered by the sensory overload of the room. “You see, there’s a deep symbolism behind everything we do. The incense represents our burning passion for anarchy. The Chocolate Cards represent all the government officials we will overthrow in the revolution. And the names represent the new, supreme beings we will fully transform into once we claim our birthrights as rulers of the magical world.” 

“Thank you, Sirius.” 

“Welcome to the cult, Evans.” 

James slammed his fist against the foldable table like a gavel, wincing after he realized that his hand was not, in fact, meant to be slammed like a gavel. “First order of business for the Marauders, which is not a cult! The naming of Lily Evans.” 

Remus raised his hand. “As a member of the Marauders for five years, I would like to clarify that we are, in fact, a cult.” 

“I second,” Sirius said. Typical. 

“No side comments, please! Do we have any recommendations for Lily Evans’ new persona.” Peter raised his hand. “Yes, Wormtail?” 

“I think it should be a pun.” 

“Insightful,” Remus remarked. 

“I think I should have a say in what my ‘Marauder name’ is,” Lily stated. 

“And what would you like to say?” Said James. 

“Well, what do we base these names on, anyway? Is it some elaborate inside joke based on a prank you guys did when you were fourteen?” The boys shared a nervous glance with each other, the incense suddenly turning cold. Even Remus and Sirius, who mainly made a handful of sarcastic comments throughout the course of the ceremony, seemed anxious. “What?” 

Peter was bouncing his leg. “Do we tell her?” 

“Of course we do, Wormtail,” Sirius said, making direct eye contact with Lily. “It’s based off our animagus forms.” 

Lily blinked, processing the sentence. James face-palmed, trying to wonder why this, out of all ways, was how she got the news. He was halfway through the second possibility of outcomes when she started to laugh. 

Sirius cocked his eyebrow, never having broken eye contact. “What are you laughing at, Evans?” 

“Is that the inside joke? That’s a good one.” 

“No, Lily, they’re actually animagus,” Remus supplied. Her face broke into confusion, and James wanted to tug on his hair. (He didn’t because his hair is to precious to be slaughtered in such a way. He instead chose to bite his lip really, really hard.) 

“Yeah, Lils. I’m a stag, which makes sense because, you know,” he made antlers on his head with his hands, “Prongs. And Wormtail is a rat and Padfoot is a dog. You should get why Moony is Moony, wouldn’t you?” 

Lily stopped laughing, staring at James now instead. (He was not to mad about that.) “I… am not that surprised. Of course you’re animagus and of course you made ridiculous nicknames to match.” 

“You’re not upset?” Peter asked. 

“I’m more amazed by it, actually.” 

James thought his head was going to explode. Lily Evans was  _ amazed,  _ and by  _ him!  _ All this time, James spent his time in a constant state of awe by this girl, and it turns out the feeling was mutual! Does someone hear wedding bells! 

“Don’t get too big of a head, Potter. You’re all still dumb mutts, and I refuse to turn into an animagus for a cult.” 

“What if I told you that the cult offers discounts at partnering restaurants?” Remus added. 

“But if you were an animagus, what would you be?” James asked, grabbing her shoulder for attention. 

“I took a magazine quiz once in  _ With Weekly,  _ actually,” she said. “It said a deer, although I don’t know if the cult agrees with  _ Witch, Weekly.”  _

“A  _ deer?” _ Sirius said. 

“Oh, we’ll never hear the end of this,” Remus added. James was starting to regret setting them up. 

“A deer, you say?” James explained. He got so excited he almost pushed over an incense stick. “That’s bloody brilliant! We’ll call you Doe, then, a female deer, it’s perfect!” 

“I thought I was getting a say in this-” 

“It’s the perfect name, Lils!” 

Remus laughed. “You can be a drop of golden sun, Prongs.” 

“You can’t bring me down with your muggle references, Moony! We’ve found our Doe!” 

Lily threw up her hands in mock celebration. “Yay?”

“Run, Lily, you still have time!” Sirius said. “You can make it out while you’re young!” 

“I think it became too late when I entered that party,” Lily sighed, shaking her head. “Goodbye youth, hello cult life.” 

~

It takes two hundred hours to form a best friend, but Remus Lupin wonders if that applies to boyfriends. 

How many hours does it take to form a romantic relationship? 

It’s only been two weeks and there’s only been one date, and most things feel the same as before. Their jokes are still the same, and they still sit together at meals and in classes sometimes. Maybe they hug more between classes and hold hands under the table every now and then. 

It all feels so familiar. It doesn’t feel like an epilogue. It feels nothing like being on the Titanic, or being in Dumbledore’s office, or like the movies with Marilyn Monroe. It feels more like an old stuffed animal you’ve had since you were a baby that you found in the attic on a rainy day. It was always there, always with you. 

Remus is scared to say it, but there is so much to go. So many more kisses and quidditch games and finals and fights. That first kiss didn’t wrap anything up. That wasn’t an epilogue. That was a very short beginning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit. shit it's done oh Fuck. 
> 
> that was a ride, my friends. thank you to everyone who kept up with this story since the beginning (which is an Outrageous amount of time y'all deserve a nobel prize). shoutout to everyone who dropped a kudos or a comment, y'all are really cool B) 
> 
> i gotta say this was... super hard to write. but its my first fic and im kinda proud of it :) 
> 
> hope y'all stick around for my future fics and drop by my tumblr proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com 
> 
> hey look mom i made it!

**Author's Note:**

> wow thank you for reading my first fic! i hope to upload at least once every two weeks consistently. come join me on my tumblr! proffessorrjlupin.tumblr.com


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